"Do…" It feels like swallowing knives. "Do you really have to ask?"
"Yes. It's time to put all the cards on the table, Boss."
"Yes. You have earned my trust a hundred times over, Sophia."
She takes my hands in hers, squeezing so hard it hurts. "Then trust me when I say that if you let Brys walk out of your life, you will be the biggest fool this world has ever seen." Her grip tightens until I think she means to break my fingers. "You will never,evermeet someone who could deal with the events of the last few days the way she has." She allows a hint of mirth to glitter in her dark gaze. "I know something happened betweenyou two, Jakob. And if I know you, you made it one thing in order to avoid letting it become something else."
“Say what you mean, Inez—" I shake my head. "Sorry, Sophia."
"They're both me, I'm realizing. I can't just go back to using my birth name and think all the things Inez has been and done are just in the past, any more than I could use the name Inez and think all the things Sophia did were in the past. It'sallin the past. The name you use is irrelevant. Jakob, Caleb, they're both you. And maybeneitherof them is you, just like I'm both and neither Inez and Sophia. I'm just…me. I'm a killer. I've done terrible things. But I am a good person, too. I am a good friend. I am a lover—and I love my man well. I know what he needs, and I try to give it to him. I let him give me his love, and that's hard to do, sometimes. Especially when you've been and done and seen and suffered the things I have."
I shake my head. "Soph, I…"
She grins. "Soph. That's the first time you've ever used a nickname for me. I like it."
I close my eyes and try to sort through the chaos of thoughts and feelings tornadoing inside me. "I don't know how to…"
"Of course not," she fills in, when I trail off. "I didn't. Fuck, I still don't. I still shut him out sometimes. Just the other day, I was having a bad day. I don't know why. I just…I woke up thinking about the past. I was having flashbacks of the wedding. The massacre. I couldn't get out of it. Instead of going to Ren with it, I locked myself in the bathroom and sat in the tub for four hours, thinking he'd be better off without me, because how could he love a monster like me?"
"What…" I clear my throat. "What did he do?"
"Took the knob off the door and climbed into the cold bathwater with me, fully clothed, and forced me to tell him what was wrong."
"Forced how?"
She smirks at me. "Some details are private, Jakob."
Of all things, I blush. "Oh. I see."
"Letting him in is the most terrifying thing I have ever done, Jakob. It is less frightening to face a dozen armed men, naked." She lifts an eyebrow. "Which is a claim I can make based on fact, as I have done exactly that."
"I know."
"No, you don't, I haven't told you that story."
"Well, now I'm curious."
A roll of her eyes. "The short version is that when I was my father's second in command, he was trying to work out a deal with another cartel. The negotiations weren't going well—they wanted concessions we weren't willing to give, and my father didn't take that well. So on his command, I stripped naked and walked into their compound, right through the front gate. I think they thought my father was offering me to them. Which, to be honest, wasn't that crazy of an idea, on their part. He would have, if he thought it was necessary. They surrounded me, took pictures, started talking about all the things they wanted to do to me…and then my father's men stormed the compound while they were distracted and killed every man, woman, child, and animal. And I helped." A pause. "I was seventeen."
"Jesus," I breathe. "Insanity."
"Yes, it was." She shakes her head. "You're getting sidetracked from my point. Which is that I had to make a conscious choice to trust Lorenzo with myself. And I know this may be TMI, but it was much, much easier to trust him with my body than my heart. I'm sure you can relate."
"All too well."
"But…" she looks away, searching for the right words. "It's different, now, Jakob. Between us. Sexually. After committingto him and trusting him with my heart, truly and fully, I…it's…we're…" she shook her head. "It's different."
"How so?" I hesitate. "If you care to answer, that is."
She looks away, thinking. “God, I…I don’t know how to answer that." She turns her eyes to mine, and her gaze is frank and open—I see softness, tenderness, love, a sweetness I would never in a million years have thought to see in the eyes of Sophia Bruna Santos de Silva; it is not directed at me, it is not for me or about me, and I feel privileged to witness it. "It is deeper. More meaningful. It isn't about an exchange of fluids or pleasure. It is…it is the most intimate expression of vulnerability there is. Which is why it is so terrifying, the first time."
"But not the second?"
"Oh, no. It is still scary, but…Now I know the wonder of it. In time, it will not be scary at all. Only wonderful. The fear is…it's imprinted on me. It will be the work of a lifetime to undo all that instilled in me such fear of everything. But Ren deserves it, and so do I. What we have is worth the fearandworth the work of unlearning the fear."
"But what if…" I close my eyes, try to find the courage to ask the thing I fear the most. "What if she won't accept me? What if she can't—what if I'm not…" I snarl. "Fuck!" I snicker. "Thatiscathartic. Fuck!"
"Get it out, Jakob. Ask the question you fear most."
