"I'm sure it does. But I've struggled with relationships. I naturally take charge in most, if not all, situations. Which means the men I end up dating are…how do I put this kindly? The type of men who are okay with that. My most recent ex, Charles, is a wonderful man. But our relationship didn’t work…for a lot of reasons, really, but at least in part because I wanted somethingfrom him he wasn't geared to give. And that's the repeating pattern."
"Why do you need to be in a relationship?" he asks. "You can find what you need to fill that part of you without being in a committed, monogamous relationship. I would suggest perhaps it may be the only waytoget what you need."
"Unfortunately, I am too complicated for that. I don't have the time, if nothing else. When I need sexual release, I seduce one of my temps. It's convenient, and has a built-in shelf-life. But that's…it's just sex. It’s just plain old scratching-an-itch fucking. What I fantasize about is much, much deeper than that. It requires trust—emotionaltrust, emotional vulnerability." I glance at him. 'Which makes it so fucking weird to me that I went there with you without batting an eye. I don't know what to do with that, and it's not even really about the sex."
Jakob doesn't answer for a long time. "I understand more than you can know, Brys."
"Do you?"
He nods. "Yes. I do."
I wait, but he doesn't seem inclined to elaborate. "And? How?"
He sighs, chews on the inside of his cheek. "Brys, I…"
"Oh, I see. I can unload my baggage on you, but yours is too heavy."
"It isn't that."
"Oh no?"
His look is thoughtful, confused. "Perhaps it is, at that." He pauses for a long beat. "When you have lived a life in which you have zero control overanyaspect of your existence, including sexually…" he swallows hard. "It does something to you. My need for control goes beyond sex. Far, far beyond."
I hear pain in his voice. I see it on him before his features shut down again, the expressionless granite mask once more in place.
"Jakob," I whisper. "What happened to you?"
"That is a tale I have only told once. I do not know that I have the wherewithal to tell it again. Certainly not in this context."
“What context is that?"
“Being hunted? Running for my life? Having an innocent woman's life in my hands?"
"Oh, that context. I suppose that's fair." I look at him, but his face gives nothing away, nor do his eyes; he scratches his jaw with his right hand and then rests his hand on the console, and for the life of me, I can't seem to stop myself from folding my hand into his. "You don't have to tell me anything."
He glances at me, relief softening the granite mask. "Please do not take my reticence to discuss that personally. It's…it's not something I care to dwell on or bring up."
"No explanation necessary. We all carry our trauma differently." I hesitate. "Let's just agree that the control business is a whole separate thing that only applies to… that. To sex."
He nods. "Very well." A glance at me. "Thank you for understanding."
I get the sense that the amount he's told me about himself, little as it is, is likely far more than he's ever told anyone, with the one exception he mentioned.
Isabel?
Curiosity burns inside me, but I have trauma in my past I don't care to have unearthed, and questions only beget questions.
Best to stick to staying alive, first and foremost, to getting back to my life, perhaps find time to enjoy some more…activities…with Jakob.
I hedge even in my own mind, apparently.
What I mean is, I want more. I want Jakob. I want to feel him inside me. I want to taste him. I want to lay down my control at his feet and blindly trust him to make me feel good.
Put plainly, I just want to hide away with him and spend a week straight exploring this weird thing we have. Maybe it'll get it out of my system, and I can finally have a normal relationship.
Or maybe I’ll end up craving something only Jakob can give.
And where will that leave me? He's very obviously not a man you hang onto. There is something indelibly primal about him. Untamable. Wild and hard and mysterious and frightening.
