"Yeah," he whispers.“Things with Taylor…" a pause."I can be brutally blunt?"
"Yes, Noah.You can say anything to me.I promise I'll understand.Maybe not in the sense of having experienced it or anything like it, but…I'll understand."
"I have a lifetime of memories with her.Good, bad, ugly, sexy, scary, sad, happy, weird, funny, tragic.Our sex life was…healthy.Intense.We had fun.We had regular sex.Good, often great sex."A long pause, a shaky exhale."But my most recent memories of her are…hard.Painful—really, really painful.I want to remember the good stuff, Morgan.I want to remember…" he shakes his head."And now, with you, I'm having fun.I feel like myself again, and I haven't felt totally like myself in a long time.Not since Taylor died.I haven't wanted…I haven't felt…sexual.Only recently have I even really seen women as…god, I don't know how to put it.I have eyes, y'know?Like, even as a blissfully happy married man, Isawwomen—I noticed beautiful women.But it was never sexual.It was more akin to seeing a beautiful sunrise or something.You see and appreciate the beauty of it, but there's no sense of…I dunno.Ownership?That's not the right word.There was nodesire.I never saw a sexy woman walk by and thought, ‘God, I'd really like to do X, Y, and Z,' y'know?Only recently—since getting to know you, to be honest—have I even started thinking about women in that sense.And it's confusing because I haven't felt that way since I was barely more than a kid."
"I understand that more than you know.I didn't choose abstinence as a way of life, Noah.It just kind of happened.I was too hurt, at first, by how Kevin treated me, and I was too busy taking care of Mallory and building a life for us.And at some point, I just sort of…turned off, I guess.That part of me just…shut down.I tried a couple times.I went on dates, and I even kissed a guy.But it was…I just couldn't…I didn'tfeelanything, mentally, emotionally,orphysically.Until I met you."
He nods."And now, with you, I feel alive again."He’s whispering so softly I have to lean closer to hear."Alive and…attractive, and…I feel desire again.I feel need.I feel…a lot of things.And when you said you hadn't felt anything that sexy in your whole life, my first thought was ‘Me neither.’”
My heart twists in sympathetic understanding.“Oh, Noah."
"It's… on one hand, I want to say it's not true.She was…what we had was…” A shake of his head."Some things I can't share, even with you."
"I get that and I respect it."
"But then also, with you I…I feel…" another head shake.“A fucking lot, and very intense."
I put my cheek to his back, press my front up against his spine, wrap my arms around his waist."Noah, please, never feel like you have to hide or suppress or ignore what you feel, especially when it comes to Taylor.Saying her name won't hurt me.Talking about how much you loved her won't hurt me.I won't be upset or threatened to hear how happy you were with her, or how hot and healthy your sexual relationship with her was.You don't have to shield that stuff from me.I'mgladyou had a wonderful marriage, and I'm so, so sorry you lost her the way you did."I kiss his shoulder blade."But I also feel very grateful that I get to share these experiences with you.You make me feel more alive than I ever have.But it's not a competition.You don't have to feel that way.It'sdifferent, Noah.It doesn’t have to be better or worse."
"You're very wise, you know that?"
"Guess maybe I've earned a little bit of wisdom, after all the shit I've been through."
For a while, then, we stay like that—he braced against the glass, me hugging him from behind.
I let my hands explore his torso.Roam the hardness of his pecs, the hard plane of his abs, the angles of his hips, the rugged breadth of his shoulders.As my hands roam, the ragged edge of his breathing slows, softens.He breathes deeply, now.
"Feels good," he murmurs.
"Yeah?"I trail my nails down his chest and belly, then slip my fingertips under the waistband of his underwear."Can I make you feel good, Noah?"
He swallows audibly."I…"
"It's okay to want things for yourself, Noah.It's okay to feel things.It's okay to want to feel good."I nip his earlobe.Whisper breathily."It's okay to let me give you pleasure, Noah.Like you did for me."
"Only if you…only if you want to."
"I do.I want to.I want to touch you.I want to make you feel good.As good as you made me feel."
He nods."I want…."he shudders."I want that.Please."
