He nods heavily, scrubbing roughly at his face with both hands.He wanders to the railing, braces against it, and hangs his head, deep breathing to compose himself.
"Alright," he mutters, more to himself than out loud."You can do this, Noel."
With another harsh breath, he straightens, scrapes the hat off his head, runs his hand through his hair, and replaces the hat.The action has the feel of a man armoring himself for battle, somehow.
There is no front door.Living out here where we do, a good ten minutes outside town—which I know doesn't sound like much, but things get real wild real fast, and homes are few and far between, making it feel more isolated than it is—we never get visitors, so why bother with an entrance we knew we'd never use?The porch goes right into the main open living space, and the garage opens into the walkout basement beneath it.
Noel enters through the sliding glass door, stepping carefully over the threshold, ducking under the frame.The rented hospital bed occupies the center of the living room, where the sectional and coffee table once were; the sectional has been separated into its component pieces and pushed to the sides of the room.A heart monitor blips quietly and steadily, and an IV drip-drip-drips.
Taylor is a thin shape beneath a flat sheet, and her favorite patchwork quilt is an heirloom passed down through several generations.Her chest barely rises and falls.
Noel approaches the bed hesitantly, shuffling his giant feet with his massive shoulders hunched.He looks, in this moment, like nothing so much as a gargantuan, overgrown child."Mom?"It's barely a whisper."Jesus Christ.Mom."The second repetition is a quiet, intense hiss."Mama?"
That wrecks me—he hasn't called her "Mama" since he was seven.I remember the moment vividly, because it was so damned funny and cute.He marched his skinny ass up to her apropos of nothing, planted his little fists on his little hips, and announced that he wasn't gonna call her Mama anymore because that's for little kids and he wasn't a little kid anymore.He stuck to it, too, god bless him.It was Mom or Ma thereafter.
Hearing him whisper “Mama” so softly, so brokenly…I can't stop the tears from escaping.
"Noel?"Her voice is barely audible."My baby boy.You came."
"Of course I did, Ma."I can feel him injecting strength he doesn't feel into his voice."Of course I'm here."
"You shouldn't have retired, No-No."With great effort, Taylor extricates her hand from beneath the covers and reaches for him, gently patting the back of his hand.
Noel lets out a slow, shaky breath."My wrist is done, Ma.It's the same wrist I broke junior year at the state finals.I coulda kept playing on my knee for another few seasons, but the wrist?"He shakes his head."No.The moment I saw the X-ray and how fucking shattered it was?I knew my career was over."
"As long as you didn't do it for me," Taylor says; again, classic Taylor.
Noel chokes."You think I'd…what?Stay in fucking Seattle and keep playing while you're sick?Of course I'll be here, Ma.There's nowhere else on the planet I'd rather be than here with you."
Taylor sniffles."My sweet boy.How I've missed you."
"Missed you too, Mom.You're gonna get better, okay?We're gonna fight this.You're a survivor."
Taylor's laugh is weak but sharp."Oh, dear.Noel, sweetheart."She lets out a shuddery breath as she reaches for his jaw—he lifts her hand to his face and holds it there."There's no fighting this one, kiddo."
"Mom, c'mon.You—"
"Noel."It's a sharp bark full of Mom authority."Listen to me, honey.Since when have Ievergiven up on anything?Remember when you had that science project we couldn't get to work, and I stayed up literally all night because I refused to give up?"
Noel sniffs a laugh."I did get an A-plus on it because of you."
"Your father was upset with me over that.He felt you should have done the project yourself, pass or fail."
"Kids' school projects oughta be done by the kids, not the damn parents," I grouse, rehashing a now decades-old disagreement between us.
"Hush, dear, I'm talking to our son," Taylor says to me, giving me a wink and a playful smirk, a gut-wrenching glimpse of her usual self.She turns her attention to our son again."My point, Noel, is that if there was anything to be gained by fighting this, you have to know I would."
Noel's head bobs in agreement."Yeah, I know.I just…"
She regards him sadly."I'd give anything for more time with you, my darling boy.Anything.And I'm…I'm sorry, I'm not strong enough.Go through chemo or radiation and be even more miserable than I am now, and only get a few days or weeks more?I just can't put myself through that.Maybe it's selfish of me, but I'd just…if I've only got a little more time left, I want to spend it at home with my boys, not puking my guts out in a cancer ward."
Noel's shoulders shake."Fuck, Ma.Goddammit."
“I know.I'm sorry."
He collapses forward onto her, and she gamely does her best to wrap her thin arms around bear-like shoulders."This is all wrong.It's all wrong."
"I can't say it's my favorite thing in the world, myself," she says.She pats him on the back, and her tone turns artificially chipper."Now.Enough maudlin nonsense.Tell me the latest news from your life.Been on any hot dates with supermodels lately?"
