She nods.“Yeah, exactly.Especially the part about the promise."
"You made no such promise.Did you?"
"No!"
"It's an insidious thing, that unspoken expectation.So then I imagine eventually he just sort of wore you down, basically."
She nods."I was curious, too.I suppose it's important that I'm honest about it.I started out not…not exactly…like…eager,but not against it.Curious, and hopeful that maybe he'd stop badgering me about it.I feel stupid now.I should've—"
"Stop right there, Mallory.I wish to god I could say that what you experienced was rare, but it's not.It's honestly more normal than not, which is a goddamn tragedy and an indictment of our entire society, but that's a story for another day.Ihatethat you went through that, and Ireallyhate that you didn't feel safe coming to me about it.But I get it."
"You…you do?"Her eyes are wet—a rarity, as Mallory isn't a crier, or an outwardly emotional person in general.
"Of course I do, sweetie.Ofcourse.How do you approach that with your mom?'Oh, hey Mom, my boyfriend is pressuring me to sleep with him, but I'm not sure I want to.What do I do?’” I sigh, shrug.“Yes, I wish you had.But I get why you didn't."
"We were at his house, in his basement.His parents were gone somewhere, I don't know where.We started making out, and things…happened.Clothes came off.I was okay with that.I was okay with him touching me, and I did touch him."She looks at me quickly and then away.
"Mal, it'sokay.You don't have to be embarrassed.Not for being curious.Not for wanting to explore and experiment.Not for not telling me everything.Not for being attracted to him.Not even for enjoying it up until you didn't.Not for wanting to stop for what may seem like 'no reason.'"I use air quotes on that last phrase.
"Ididenjoy it…up to a point."She blushes again."The point where I stopped enjoying it and started feeling scared or nervous or whatever was…"
"Just say it bluntly.You won't shock me, honey.You want to have a real, adult conversation?This is it.”
"When it got to the point of…of putting it inside me, that's when I stopped being so sure it's what I wanted."
"Absolutely normal."
"Were you scared your first time?"
"Fuck yes!"I exclaim."Petrified.My friend told me how bad it hurt, her first time.Turns out her boyfriend was unusually well-endowed and didn't know how to accommodate for that because it was his first time, too."
"Ew, mom.God."
“Just reality, babe.Thereissuch a thing as too big, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.It's just that what's too big is subjective."
"How do you accommodate for having too big of a dick?"
I arch an eyebrow at her."Is that really what you want to talk about with me right now, Mal?"I shrug.“Because wecango there, if that's actually the case."
Her eyes widen.“Yeah, no.Because then I’d have to think aboutwhyyou know that."
"Exactly.So let's not, huh?Maybe another day."
"Yeah, I'm good with that."She sobers again rapidly."He…we…" she trails off, shaking her head, breathing hard."Sorry, I…”
"Take your time.Don't be sorry—you have nothing to be sorryfor, honey."
"I just haven’t told anyone this."
"No one?Not even your girlfriends?"
Her head shakes."No.They wouldn't understand.They all have boyfriends and have sex all the time.They don't see what the big deal is."
"I'm so sorry you've carried this alone all this time, Mal."
"He put it in, and it did hurt.Not like agony, but it wasn't fun.And…he…he…I…Brooklyn told me that it would start feeling good after a minute or two, but it didn't, and I realized I was just…I wasn't ready, and I wanted to stop, so I said ‘Stop’ and he was like ‘No, you want this.You said you wanted this, c'mon baby, you know it feels good, you know you like it,’ a lot of shit like that.”
My blood is boiling.To call my rage incandescent is to say the sun is a little hot and the ocean a little big."Mal," I whisper."My god, honey."
