"Alaina didn't blacklist anyone either, to my knowledge."
She grins.“You can tell me, Mom.It's okay.I won't be mad."
"I may have vented about what he did to Alex Frey," I say."But whatever he may or may not have done after that has nothing to do with me."
She snickers."Got it.And why have you never gone out with Alex?He's fine as hell and super nice."
“Because I've got the wrong plumbing, babe."
Her eyes widen."What?For real?Alex Frey isgay?"
"Why is that surprising?He's the best-dressed man in Tomlin Falls.He wore a pink short-suit to Gina Hawkmore's wedding."
"I wasn't at that wedding, remember?I went snowboarding instead because you said it would just be a bunch of drunk adults."
I laugh."And I was right.That was the sloppiest wedding I've ever been to.Gina and Tommy were both falling-down drunk by the end of the night.They missed their flight to their honeymoon, as I recall."
Mal shakes her head, shrugging."Cool, but I still had no idea that he was gay.This is making me question my gay-dar, which I've always thought was pretty spot-on."
"He's not hiding it, but he's not, like, publiclyout, if you know what I mean."
She shakes her head.“Whatever.So, Charlie Cousins."
I hold up my hands."Mal, enough.What it comes down to is that I wasn't ready for what Charlie wanted.We both moved on.It's not a whole story."
The story, such as it is, is that we started making out in his car, which was fine.He smelled good, his car was clean, he had decent breath, and it was nice.He asked if he could kiss me, which I appreciated.But then, once things started to…err, progress, he went right for the boob:honk-honk.
Yeah…no.
I freaked out.Partly because the way he touched my boob was just weird.It was a literal honk.Not a caress, not even a squeeze, which would have been tolerable; too soon, but tolerable.No, this was a honk.Like a clown's nose.If my boob had had a squeaker in it, it'd have sounded like a dog’s chew toy.But I also freaked out because I just wasn't ready for that.Kissing, yes.It's a nice reentry into the world of physicality, which I've been out of since before Mallory was born.Well before, in fact, since Kevin and I hadn't had regular sex since well before his accident, and me getting pregnant was the accidental result of a liter of Barefoot Chardonnay and rom-com-induced nostalgia.Which I regretted, juicily, the next morning.
And for the next nine months.
I’d still regret it to this day, if not for the fact that Mal is the best thing about my life—the best thing aboutme.
Mal is quiet for a moment, then gives me a side-eyed look."Is it me you don't want to talk about this with, or anyone?"
I tip my head to one side."Both, to be honest."I reach across the island and cover her hands with mine."It's not because I don't trust you or value your input and opinion, Mal, do you understand that?"
"Sort of, I guess.Feels alittlepersonal, though."
"It's not, I promise, but I can see why you'd feel that way."I think for a moment before continuing."I grew up with a mother who treated me more like a roommate than a daughter, especially once I hit puberty and was less of a child and more of a young adult.I had no rules, Mal.I'm sure thatsoundsfun, but it's not.I'd often do things just to see if she'd care.Came home drunk as a skunk all the time…nothing.Brought a boy over and hung out with him in my room with the door closed…nothing.We even made very loud pretend sex noises when I knew she was just out on the couch."
"Why fake sex noises?"Mal asks.
"Oh, well, because he was a friend, not a boyfriend.The whole point was to see what she'd do.I could do literally anything I wanted.I stayed at my friend Jen’s house for a week once without so much as a word to my mother.You know what she said when I walked in?‘We're out of milk.’”
Mallory boggled at me."You crashed at a friend's for aweekwithout telling, asking, or checking in?And all she had to say was, 'We're out of milk?'How old were you at the time?"
"Fourteen?Fifteen?"I think back."I remember Jen and I rode our bikes to the corner store for slushies pretty much every day that week, and that bike was stolen from school a few days before my fifteenth birthday, so I was fourteen."
Mal shakes her head."Mom, that'swild.But what's your point?Like, how is that relevant to my question?"
I smile."The relevance is that I've always tried very hard to make sure I'm not like that.I'm your mom.It's my job, my entire purpose in life, to protect you and keep you safe, to provide for you, to set you up for a successful and happy life.Sometimes that means making hard choices, sacrificing, and, unfortunately, it also means making decisions that I know you won't like, understand, or agree with.That's parenting.I’ve always focused on being your mom, not your friend.But you're an adult now, more or less, which means I have to start letting you make your own choices and mistakes."
Mal shakes her head, holding up her hands."Mom, I don't need all this parenting lecture stuff.I get it.But you're not answering my question—is itmeyou don't want to talk about your love life with, oreveryone?"
"It's both, babe.That's the short answer.I don't want to talk about my non-existent love life with anyone because there's nothing to talk about.I don't want to talk about it because there's no point.I've tried love, sweetheart.Many times, and it's bitten me in the ass every time.That's the truth.And yes, part of me doesn't want to talk to you about it because we need boundaries.I'm not your BFF, I'm your mom.I want us to have open communication and be friends and all that, but at the end of the day, you're my daughter, not my buddy.There are some things we just aren't going to talk about.Just like there are things you're not gonna come to me about."I fix her with a hard look."Like what really happened that night between you and Heath."
