"Back tomyfather," Mal prompts.
"Well, you need more context.Like I said, Mom had terrible taste in men.When I reached high school and got my own job, she didn't have to work as hard, and that's when she started dating, and they were uniformly awful.Drunks, assholes, and losers, for the most part.They never lasted long because she had no tolerance for bullshit, but just couldn't seem to pick a decent guy to save her life.I dunno.I guess I just internalized that—those types of guys.My first boyfriend was very much in the same vein as mom's boyfriends.Big, dumb, and not great looking, but not ugly either.Mikey wasn't abadguy, honestly.He was just never going to leave that town, and I wanted more."I hesitate."I got pregnant when I was eighteen.Two months before graduation."
Mal's head spins around so fast it's a miracle she didn't give herself whiplash."What?"
"His parents insisted we get married, and honestly, it wouldn't have been the worst thing.He had a decent job lined up after graduation, working for the road commission."I swallow hard."I, uh…I was five months pregnant, and we were smack in the middle of wedding planning when I miscarried."
Mal's look of shock explodes in sympathy."Ohhh…Mom.God.I’m so sorry."
I smile at her and pat her knee under the blanket."Long, long time ago, honey.It was the hardest thing I could imagine, at the time.Mikey too.He shut down, and I got angry.Not at him, just…life.When I got pregnant, I was on track to win pretty much all the comps.The Olympics were in sight.And then I got pregnant.I found my way to accepting my new lot in life, that my dreams of getting out of Cold Creek and seeing the world were gone.And then I lose the baby?Yeah, I was angry and our relationship didn't survive it."
"That young, I guess that makes sense."
I laugh."That young?I was older than you are, Mal."
"I know!That's what I mean.I can't even imagine."
“Good, I'm glad you can't.That's when I left Cold Creek.My friend from high school had moved to Nome after graduation, and when her roommate moved out unexpectedly, I moved in with her.Got a job at an office and found a coach.Got back into skating."
"And then?"
I shrug."A series of things is what then.I dated a fisherman named Kyle.God, I was madly in love with him.He wasgorgeous, Mal.Tall, with these big, sexy shoulders.Black hair that was always in his eyes, startling blue eyes."
Mal shifts uncomfortably."You never talk about guys like that."
“Well, we’ve never had a conversation like this," I say."I'm still a woman, Mal.I'm just your mom, first."
She frowns.thinks."Mom first, woman second?"
I nod.“Yeah.I don't think you decide that; it’s just…it’s what being a mom is, a single mom especially.It becomes who you are.Everything else comes second."
"I think you can start being a woman first, now, Mom."
I smile at her, rest my head on her shoulder."Easier said than done, but I appreciate the thought."
"So…what happened to Kyle?"
I swallow hard again."An accident.Those deep-sea trawlers are dangerous.Leg got caught in a line, yanked him overboard, and he drowned before anyone could help."
"My god,Mom."
"Yeah, that sucked."
She looks at me with wide eyes.“That sucked?You were madly in love with him, he dies in a tragic accident, and…that sucked?"
I shrug."I was a mess for a long time, if that's what you want to hear.Threw myself into skating more than ever because it was the only way I knew how to cope."I inhale, hold it, let it out."Then there was Slade."
Mal snickers."Slade?His name was actuallySlade?"
I bark a laugh."Oh, that's not even the best part."I pause for effect."The best part is that his last name was, I shit you not, Slaughter.I saw the birth certificate."
Mal blinks at me and then bursts into laughter."You dated a guy namedSlade Slaughter?"
"Yup."
"Was he a GI Joe?"
"Worse.”I pause for effect.“He was a roughneck."
