How are there mosquitoes in March?There's still snow in spots under the tree cover.
My mind is going over everything I have to do once I get to Tamlin Falls.Tamlin?No, that's not right.Tompson?Tompkins?TomTom?Ugh, no, definitely not that.Whatever.Tom-something Falls.
Go over the menu, find a band—and figure what kind of band I need, first—go over the guest list and nail down final numbers…silverware, napkins, glasses, chairs, tables, design and procure centerpieces; I'll need a local numbers person since Nathaniel stayed to help Eliza.What else?So, so many things, each of which takes weeks…and I have days.
My mental checklist is my superpower.It's this thing that lives inside my brain, a living, breathing organism that divvies the world up into manageable, bite-sized tasks and shuffles it all into a checklist.Those checklists run my life.I have a mental checklist for taking a shower, for doing my taxes, for eating a meal…having sex.Not really, but it wouldn’t surprise me if I found a sex checklist in my head at some point—I’m precisely that neurotic.
What I'm not doing is paying very close attention to my surroundings.I'm sure some part of my brain is paying attention—and who hasn't tuned out and driven on autopilot?If your hand isn't up, you're a liar.
A brown something the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex ambles lazily across a clearing to my left, heading for the road.Is that a cow?A horse?No, it’s too big for either.
And then I realize the creature, which is absolutely and mind-bogglingly enormous, has no intention of waiting until I pass to cross the road.
Its mile-high legs carry it smackdab to the middle of the highway, where it takes up nearly the entirety of both lanes.
I'm in an F350 with a six-inch lift, and this fucking thing isstillpeering down at me.I brake to a halt six feet or so away from the monstrous creature, which I now realize is a moose.
And I feel like maybe I should go back to Fairbanks and blow the kid who convinced me to take this truck instead of the clown car I was about to pick.
That's a joke; I wouldn't do such a thing.
Eliza might, but I have higher standards; that's also a joke.
For a moment, the moose just stares at me.The moment continues.
I honk the horn, and the god-sized deer wiggles its ears at me.
I honk again.It shakes its giant head at me, ears wiggling and flapping.
Um.
I roll down my window."GO!GET OUT OF THE WAY, DEER!"I pull my head back in."Moose, whatever."
Nope.It—he?She?It doesn’t have antlers, but then, I don’t know the first thing about deer and antlers.Do girl moose have antlers like some girl cows have horns?Do they have them all the time?Whatever.The thing lets out a low rumbling sound and shakes its head at me again.More ear wiggling.
I put the truck into park, open the door, and drop the four hundred and sixty-seven feet down to the ground.For real, I need a six-foot-goddamned-ladder to get into the stupid thing.
"Hey!"I shout, waving my hands from beside the hood."Shoo!Go back into the forest, please."
Urrrgh!It grunts at me.
"Yes, really.You have to move, big fella."I duck down to check out the tackle situation."Oh, yeah—yep, that's a boy," I say."Wow, buddy.The lady moose must be happy to see you coming, with a johnson like that.Jesus.Talk about a third leg.Fifth leg?”
Urrrrggggghhhh!It lifts its head as it grunts, shakes its head again, and then lets out a long, guttural sound that's shockingly loud, echoing across the road.
"Ummm…" I rest a hand on the hood, taking a step backward."Maybe I should have stayed in the truck."
The moose takes a step toward me, and that step, despite the enormity of the thing, is silent and graceful.
"Uh yeah, yep, definitely should have stayed my city ass in the truck."
"Ma'am?”A low, rumbling male voice from behind me startles me so badly that I scream and leap a good ten feet vertically.A rough, huge, powerful hand clamps around my mouth as the moose dances backward, head shaking as it snorgles at me in obvious irritation.“Bequiet.Donotpiss off the bull moose, lady," the voice growls, sounding as animal as the creature in front of me."That motherfucker is seven feet tall at the shoulder and weighs damn near eighteen hundred pounds."
"Mmmm-mmm," I harrumph a negative sound from behind his hand."Mmmm-mmm-MMM!”
"Shut the fuck up, goddammit," he hisses.
The moose smacks a hoof into the blacktop and shakes his head.Trots toward us a few feet, rumbling.
