I spurt a sarcastic breath between my lips."Not well, I guess."
"Exactly.There are no expectations, Morgan.None.We're just…here, together.Enjoy the fire.Relax.Breathe.Nothing is happening other than two people enjoying each other's company."
I had been expecting, perhaps more subconsciously than anything, for him to want to get right down to it.I should have known better.
"Sometimes, Noah, you seem too good to be true."
He nuzzles behind my ear, rumbling a laugh."Flattery is entirely unnecessary, Morgan.I'm a sure thing."
"No!"I protest, half-laughing."I mean it."
His right thumb finds a particularly sensitive knot, and he digs in, eliciting a ragged moan from me.I feel myself sagging back against him, feel the tension bleeding out of me.
He tugs my hair away from my neck and over one shoulder, tips my head forward; I let my head hang and he kneads my neck from the base of my skull down to my shoulders, loosening the iron bands of tension there.
"I think you've just had shitty luck with men.I'm not all that great, I promise."
I chuckle."That's kind of a weird take, Noah."I sigh, then groan when he finds another tight spot and works it loose."I'm not sure how much of it was luck, though, as much as just shitty decision-making on my part."
"You have to try to let that go."He kneads, massages."We all make shitty choices.We make excuses for people.My first year as captain, we had this lieutenant.He was a veteran and good firefighter.Good leadership skills.The men looked up to him.But it became increasingly clear that he had a substance abuse issue.He never drank or used on shift, but it bled in from his personal life.He was racking up debt and getting into trouble.But when he was good, he wasverygood, so I made excuses.Eventually, I had to fire him, but not after making excuses for months."
"Okay?I guess I'm not seeing the parallel here."
"Maybe there were warning signs, with the less-than-stellar guys in your past.Maybe there weren't.But most likely, there were.You just…ignored them or downplayed them.We all do it, Morgan.And you stood by your husband through more than just about anyone else ever could or would.You should be proud of yourself for your courage, strength, and loyalty.You should have left him sooner, but you didn't, because you were trying to honor your commitment.You were trying to keep your marriage intact, your family together."
"I wanted it to work," I whisper."So badly.I wanted him to get better.To go back to who he used to be.He was far from perfect, but there was a time when I believed he truly loved me.It's just…really hard to remember that, at this point.All I remember now is the endless nightmare of his verbal abuse and feeling like I couldn't blame him because it wasn't his fault.I felt trapped.I still feel trapped."
“You did everything you could have and so much more than anyone could have expected, Morgan."
"Yet it wasn't enough."
"Sometimes, in my experience, things just break.They fall apart and there's nothing we could have done to prevent it, and it's not even our fault.It's just a shitty thing that happened.I can't sit here and try to make sense of it for you, Morgan.I can't tell you what you should have done or not done.I just…I guess my wish for you is that you'd be able to eventually put that period to rest.A bad memory best forgotten."
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess, Noah.This isn't exactly the sexiest conversation."
"Doesn't have to be.If we get to the point where things get spicy, then great.But take the pressure off yourself, Morgan.Just…be."
I cackle.“Oh, just like that, huh?"
"Yup.It's just that easy."
I give him more of my weight.“This definitely helps."
“Try to just focus on sensations.Look at the fire.Watch the flames dance.Look outside and watch the stars twinkle and glitter on the snow."His fingers dig into my lats, his thumbs into the knots around my shoulder blades, and I let my head hang, focus on the fire as he suggested."Feel the warmth of the fire.Feel my hands.Feel the knots loosening."
I zone out, then, and it's delicious.Mallory, the game and my upcoming performance, my insecurities and fears and self-doubts, the pressure I'm putting on myself to retake my sexuality…it all fades as I let my focus soften and go lax.There's just the flickering flames and the heat and Noah's body behind mine and his strong hands gently erasing my tension.
My breathing slows and I let my head loll forward, let my spine slump, my shoulders sag.
“Good," Noah murmurs, his voice almost a musical croon."Just breathe, honey.Breathe and relax.I've got you."
"Never been gotten, before," I murmur."Always been the one to do the gotting."
He chuckles."I know what you mean."
"Even though that was gibberish?"
"Yup."
