ChapterFifteen
Morgan
Ican't believe I'm going to let this happen.
It was hard enough to believe Noah wanted to see me naked, that he wouldn't be turned off at the sight of me—of all the ugly, wrinkled, sagging, stretched-out parts of me.
It was even harder to let him touch me.Kissing, yes please.I'll take all the kissing.His big strong hands on my breasts?They may be small, but he seems plenty enamored by them, which does feel nice, both physically and mentally and emotionally.
But touching methere?All of the most awful things Kevin said to me were about my privates.
How it was blown out by the birth.
You should have had a C-section.
It looks like roast beef.
Do you even wash yourself down there?
Can't you do some Kegels or something?You used to be so tight.
Like, there were so many times that I was left literally speechless by what he’d said.My brain couldn't fathom that he'dactuallyspoken such a thing out loud to me.
I chalked it up to the injury, or tried to for as long as I could.But the psyche doesn't care about such things.Pain is pain, and that shit hurt.Left deep, ragged wounds that are still raw, mainly because they never healed.How could they?Therapy helped a little, but couldn't ever erase the trauma caused by his unfiltered cruelty.
And so here I am, with a man who cares about me, who is attracted to me, who desires me, who sees my body and likes what he sees.But I'm trapped in my head.Locked in a prison of cruel words and casual, verbal brutality.
He wants to make me feel good.Give me pleasure.He doesn't expect anything of me in return.My hope—my one, desperate hope—is that he'll find a way to soothe my terror and insecurity, dissolve my inhibitions again, and help me unlock the prison I've been in for nearly two decades.
I know it seems crazy; itiscrazy that it's been that long.But it was just easier to pretend that part of me didn't exist, except alone, in bed, at night, under the covers, still mostly clothed.It was easy enough to conjure a simple, clearly impossible fantasy, slip my hands into my panties, and relieve the ache.
"Morgan?"Noah's voice recalls me to the present, to the here and now, and I realize I've been maundering.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hating the leak of tears."I'm sorry, Noah.I just…I'm so fucking trapped in my head about this."I look down at him through tears."I want to let you.I really, truly, desperately do."
He rises to his feet, cradles my face in his hands."We can go two different directions here, honey.One way, we set the whole thing aside, have a drink, watch a movie, and just enjoy each other's company.And Morgan, please understand how truthful I'm being when I say that I'm one hundred percent good with that."
I swallow hard."Or?"
"Or, if you feel brave, and if you can find your way to trusting me, I'll see what I can do to help you get out of your head and into your body."
"How?"I ask."How would you—how would you do that?"
He grins."Bit by bit."
My heart hammers and my gut does a triple toe loop."I don't want to be held hostage by the past anymore, Noah.I trust you.I know you only want to make me feel good."
"Where would you feel most comfortable?"
I consider this for a moment."Honestly?Your house.But I know for you, that may be—"
"Don't waste a single second worrying about me, Morgan.This is about you and only you."
"But you have feelings about being with me there.I know you do because we talked about it."
"And I'm working through that.Being with you there…it helped."He tips his head to one side."Taylor, when we first found out the diagnosis and how long she had, she made me promise that I'd move on.She made me promise that I would let someone else in, someday.There's still a part of me that feels like I'm betraying her, betraying our vows and all that.But I know I’m not.I know that by being with you, I'm actually honoring my promise.It's just…" he snorts—it's not amusement or levity, exactly."Even that feels a bit like an excuse, y'know?"
I nod."I can see that."
