She shakes her head, toying with a button of my 3-button, long-sleeve Henley."No, it's nothing like that.It's…I…" she trails off, sighing.“It's about what happened at your house."
I grin."Which part?"I speak again before she can."Kidding.Talk to me, honey."
She looks away, then back to me."I have issues with…that."
"Can you be more specific?"
"Noah, c'mon.You know what I mean."
"Yes, I do."I lock eyes with her."But I don't find it anything to be embarrassed about, Morgan.We can discuss it in plain terms like grownups, right?"
She slides off the counter and strides away from me, raking her fingers through her hair.“It's hard to talk about, Noah."
"So let me start."I follow her into the living room; she's pacing anxiously, not looking at me.I let her pace, knowing she's listening."I wanted to go down on you, and you obviously have a hang-up about it.I'd like to understand why."
She faces the fireplace—wood-burning, empty, and clean, never used.Her shoulders slump."I have amajorhangup, Noah.And it comes from my ex-husband.Shocker, I know."A pause."That was never his favorite thing to do.He…" she shakes her head.“God, this is hard."
"I'm here.I’m listening."
A huff, and she starts again."I…I told you that I like…" she turns, blushing."You know."
I move to stand next to her."Plain terms, honey.It's just you and me, no secrets, no embarrassment, no judgment.”
"I like using my mouth.I always have.And I did for him…maybe not a lot, but plenty.I understood that he didn't like going down on me, and I never expected it.I never asked."
"Just for the record, that's bullshit."
"It was clearly communicated at the outset, so I was okay with the situation.I did what I did because I wanted to.Up until his accident, like I said, things were good.Or so I thought.Point is, he changed.I've made that clear.One time, we…I had this plan to try and spice things up.Get some of the spark back, y'know?"She pauses to think for a moment."It was a month, month-and-a-half before I divorced him.Things had been bad.Very, very bad.But I loved him and I was trying.I…I was trying really, really hard, Noah."Her voice wavers, breaks a little, and she sniffles, starts again tearfully."We had some wine and got drunk together like old times.I…went down on him.I…the intent was to get him going and then have sex, but he…finished."She grimaces at me.“Sorry."
"No apologies, Morgan.I'm not threatened or jealous or grossed out.Just keep going."
"I…I was pretty lit.Um.I was…I was horny.I wanted him.I hadn't masturbated in a while and we obviously hadn't been doing too well, so I was just…horny.And drunk Morgan is already horny Morgan.So I was double trouble, I guess you could say.Being drunk and horny, after I finished him off, I asked him if he'd return the favor.Just once.Just a little bit.I just…I wanted to feel good.I wanted…I just wanted to get off, Noah.And you know what he said?"
"Fuck me, I shudder to ask."
Her eyes fill with tears, and she turns away, ducks her chin to her left shoulder, hiding her face from me.Whispers her answer, broken-voiced, tearful."'Do you even how you smell, Morgan?You smell like a fucking fish factory.Who in their right mind would ever want to put their face anywhere near your smelly pussy?Why do you think I never have?It's gross down there.You're gross.Jesus.If I thought you were going to want that, I'd have just jerked off.'"She repeats each word slowly and clearly, enunciating each vile syllable in a way that tells me she relives that moment far too frequently.
I'm too stunned to react.I'm horrified.Shaking with incandescent rage."Jesus, Morgan.Jesus fucking Christ."
"It was a miracle I was able to let you even touch me.I couldn't touch myself down there for a long, long time.I…I heard his voice every time I tried.Those words.The horrible, horrible things he said to me.I…that accident, Noah…it ruined him.He wasn't always nice, before, but he was neverthatcruel.It was like…whatever thing was in his brain keeping those thoughts on the inside…it just broke.I…I don't know how I'll ever be able to let you do that, Noah.As much as I want to, I just…"
"Keeping those thoughts on the inside?"I repeat, incredulous."Morgan, having those thoughtsat allaboutanyoneis fucking insane.No matter what we fought about or how ugly it got—and Morgan, Taylor and I had some pretty vicious fights over the years—I would never, ever eventhinksomething that fucking vile about her.Shit, about anyone.Like, my god.That's…it makes me feel like the accident didn't so much break him or change him as it did reveal who he really was all along.Maybe he's better now, I dunno.I know TBIs can take years to fully recover from, and some people never do, not totally.Butthat?There is absolutely no excuse possible for eventhinkingsomething like that, let alone saying it to someone you were meant to love, or once loved.I wouldn't say something half so fucking disgusting to my worst enemy."
"I know he makes you angry, but—"
I reach her face, moving slowly in case she doesn’t want to be touched, yet."Morgan.I'm so, so sorry that he said that to you.You have to know he was just trying to hurt you, for reasons I doubt he even understood himself.Obviously, I'm not excusing or justifying."
"No, I know, but…"
I cup her cheeks, gently encouraging her to look at me."Morgan, listen to me, now.Okay?"
"I'm listening.I just…I can't promise that there's anything you could say that would erase how I feel.How he made me feel.How self-conscious I am about…about…" she trails off.
"I know I can't change that just by saying nice things.But I'm going to speak my truth anyway, because it’s important you hear it from me."I drop my voice to a low murmur."I smelled you, Morgan."
Her cheeks go red and her eyes water."Noah,fuck."
"I had my fingers inside you."I put my lips to her ear, whispering, holding her against me as she squirms with intense discomfort."When I left, you know what I did?"
