Josh exhaled. “You want to talk about it?”
I stopped in front of the window, my forehead almosttouching the glass. The city vibrated below, but all I heard was the echo of my own voice. “I didn’t mean to hurt her. That wasn’t the plan.”
“Nobody ever means to, Dean. That’s the problem.”
I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. I could see Brynn’s face, every flicker of hurt, every flash of hope. I could still feel every inch of her body, taste every moment of her sweetness. I could see her inside that ice cream shop in Dove Key, sunlight in her hair, looking like a future I never thought I wanted and was now terrified to lose.
“It was the morning after,” I said, each word pulled out like a splinter. “I woke up and everything felt—too close. Too real. And I said things I can’t take back.”
“Like what?”
“I told her it was just a fling. Fake. That it didn’t matter. She didn’t. That I didn’t want more.” My voice cracked, an ugly sound in the empty room. “I made her believe it was all a game. I didn’t mean any of it. I just… I didn’t know what else to do.”
Josh was silent for a beat. “Why’d you do it?”
I turned from the window and scanned the room. The pristine kitchen with a knife block still in its shrink-wrap. The living room with its single shelf of finance and leadership tomes. The espresso machine I’d never figured out how to use.
“She got to me,” I said, hating how weak it sounded. “In just a few days, she got inside my heart. I don’t know how to be a real thing anymore. I thought if I pushed her away first, it would hurt less.”
Josh gave a little snort. “How’s that working out for you?”
I almost smiled. “Like a charm, asshole.”
He let me stew in it. “You know, I never told you this, but Holly almost dumped me after our first semester. She said that I was so busy avoiding mistakes I never actually showed up for my own life.”
I pictured Josh, steady and even-tempered. Happily married. The idea that he’d ever lost his footing was comforting.
“You ever think about your ex?” he asked, so abrupt it cut right through me.
“Jesus, not if I can help it.”
He didn’t laugh or snort. I could picture him sitting there, dead serious. “She called you a doormat. Said you were too easy to please. And your answer was to build a whole new life to prove her wrong.”
I bristled, but Josh kept going, his voice quiet but relentless. “You got the high-profile Atlanta job. The apartment. You made yourself untouchable. You kept everyone at arm’s length because if nobody gets in, nobody can walk away.”
I looked at my hand. It was trembling. I clenched it into a fist, but it didn’t help.
“You ever ask yourself what you really want?” Josh asked. “Or have you just been reacting to what you don’t?”
I stared at the expensive apartment, utterly devoid of personality. “I don’t know.”
It was the most honest thing I’d managed since I left Dove Key.
“Maybe start there.” Josh’s voice was softer now. “You’re still letting your ex control your life, Dean. You’re not your job or your apartment. The only person making those rules isyou. You don’t have to prove a thing to anyone, including yourself. So call an audible—change the play. Stop running from something—Brynn—that might change your life.”
I nodded, though he couldn’t see it. The anger haddrained out of me, replaced by a dull ache. I walked to the fridge, opened it, and stared at a single can of seltzer. It seemed symbolic. “Maybe I needed to hear that.”
“It’s true,” Josh replied. “Call her. Email her. Hell, text her if nothing else. Otherwise, this will eat you alive, man.”
“Thanks for listening, Josh. I’m sorry I unloaded on all your newlywed bliss.”
A tiny smile lifted one side of my mouth at his laugh. “Yeah, well, you’re an asshole, right? Let me know how it goes. We’re worried about you two.”
“I will.” I ended the call and tossed my phone absently in my hand.
The next text I got was a news alert about a jump in shipping futures, which would’ve thrilled me a month ago. Now it just felt like someone else’s life. I scrolled to Brynn’s contact, hovered over her name, then set the phone down. I needed a minute.
I walked through the apartment, pacing tight circles. I thought about the dive shop, about the way the air in Dove Key felt thick andreal. I thought about Brynn’s laugh, the stubborn set of her jaw, the way she’d looked at me like she could see every one of my worst impulses. And might learn to love me anyway. Until I tossed it all away.
