If he thinks I’m just going to surrender without a fight, he has severely underestimated me.
Game on.
Chapter Fifteen
Leo
Archie’s retribution for the rap battle is swift, creative, and delivered with the smile of a man who has all the time in the world to plan while lying on a sofa with his leg elevated.
It starts with theJurassic Parktheme song.
He sews a speaker into the lining of my Snugglesaurus suit and calibrates it to play every time I take a step. For forty minutes, I waddle through a dinosaur party to a continuous soundtrack I can’t turn off because my arms are twelve inches long. Archie maintains a look of angelic bewilderment throughout, occasionally telling the children that Snugglesaurus must be so happy he’s playing his own theme music.
I smile inside my mesh window. The thing about being underestimated is that it gives you time to plan.
My retaliation is to tell the birthday boy that Captain Giggles has a secret tickle spot and that he should tell his friends. Information travels through a group of seven-year-olds at roughly the speed of light. Archie endures twenty minutes of small fingers prodding, poking, and jabbing while trying to lead musical statues. At one point, a child jabs a finger into the calf of his good leg and he makes a noise I will remember fondly for the rest of my life.
After that, it escalates.
Archie gets creative with my sidekick personas. A mermaid-themed party introduces Sandy Bottomsworth, and I spend two hours in a sequined tail. The construction party brings Brickhead Barry, complete with a hard hat covered in glitter that Archie definitely added himself.
I counter each one. I tell the mermaid-birthday children that Captain Giggles does amazing celebrity impressions, and Archie has to spend thirty minutes attempting Elsa, Spider-Man, and the Queen. For the construction party, I announce that Brickhead Barry’s boss, Inspector Giggles, needs to personally inspect every LEGO structure and that Inspector Giggles absolutely loves being repeatedly asked “why?”
I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that this afternoon I became Bumblesnort the Garden Fairy. My outfit included gauze wings, a tutu, and a wand that makes a tinkling sound when you wave it.
I spend two hours flitting—there is no other word for it—around a living room in Dulwich, making tinkling noises with a tiny bell while Archie narrates Bumblesnort’s “magical journey” from across the room with barely concealed glee.
The parents remain blissfully unaware that the cheerful entertainment is actually two grown men engaged in psychological warfare. The children think it’s all part of the show.
After the fairy party, we’re in the back of an Uber and I’m holding my phone up so I can use the reflective camera to pick glitter out of my eyebrows.
Archie’s got his clipboard out, pen already uncapped. His expression is focused, giving off the energy of a man about to ruin someone’s week with great enthusiasm.
That clipboard is where my dignity goes to die.
“This Wednesday is a pirate party in Clapham. I’m thinking Barnacle?—”
“No.”
“You haven’t heard the full name.”
“I don’t need to. Any name you give me that starts with Barnacle is going to end with me in a barrel.”
He makes a note on his clipboard. I’m almost certain it says barrel.
“I’m out on Tuesday night,” I say. “Andrew invited me to a dinner at Vintners’ Hall.”
“Vintners’ Hall?” Archie’s eyebrows shoot up. “Which livery company?”
I blink at him. “You know what livery companies are?”
I’d never heard of them myself until I Googled after receiving Andrew’s invitation. Apparently, they are old London guilds of trades like goldsmithing and clothmaking, dating back to the Middle Ages.
“Yeah, I quite like how the British treat history like it’s a subscription service they forgot to cancel. They don’t actually use half of it anymore, but they can’t bring themselves to get rid of it.” He twirls his pen between his fingers. “Like, they’ll fight to the death to preserve a medieval ceremony where a man in tights presents a fish to the Lord Mayor.”
I huff out a laugh.
“Anyway, which livery company have you been invited to?” Archie asks.
