“Thomas is the birthday boy, give him a cheer!”
“Thomas!” the children scream.
“He’s turning six years old, everybody say, ‘Yeah!’”
“Yeah!”
I’m sweating now. The pith helmet is slipping. I have no idea where this is going, but I can’t stop because stopping means admitting defeat, and I refuse to let Leo win. Then I have a moment of inspiration.
I point at Leo again.
“But wait, what’s this? Snugglesaurus wants a turn?
Does he have some sick rhymes we need to learn?
Come on, everybody, let’s hear what you think,
Should Snugglesaurus rap? Everyone blink!”
Twenty-two children blink furiously at Leo.
It’s a terrible rhyme. Blinking doesn’t even make sense in context. But I’ve just turned the tables.
I watch as the realization that I’ve just volunteered Leo for a rap battle in front of twenty-two children and their phone-wielding parents dawns on him.
“Rap!Rap!Rap!” the children start chanting again, but this time, they’re looking at Leo.
“I don’t…” Leo starts.
“Snugglesaurus is just getting inspired,” I say sweetly, echoing his words. “He needs complete silence to summon his creative genius.”
The children fall silent. Waiting.
Leo stares at me through the mesh.
I smile. It’s a smile that says, “Your move, dinosaur man.”
For a long moment, nothing happens. Leo stands there, inflatable and immobile, and I wonder if I’ve actually broken him. Is this the moment where the great Leo Brennan admits defeat and surrenders to the chaos of children’s entertainment?
Then he clears his throat.
And Leo Brennan, Fortune 500 consultant, TED Talk veteran, starts to rap.
“Yo, my name is Snugglesaurus and I’m here to say,”
His delivery is stiff. Wooden. Like a man reading a quarterly report aloud.
“That Professor Giggles thinks he runs this day,
But I’ve got news for him, check out these moves,”
He does a little wobble. The suit jiggles.
“Even with tiny arms, I’ve got nothing to prove.”
It’s objectively terrible. His rhythm is off, his rhymes are predictable, and he’s rapping with the natural flow of a GPS navigation system.
The children love it.
