Again.
The sky is blue. The birds are singing. The grass is warm.
My heart is loud.
“Do you remember my first panic attack?” Bowen wasn’t moving, but somehow, his body becomes more still after my question reaches him. He looks off to the lake and tucks his hands into his pockets. Just when I think he’s going to leave me hanging like he loves to do, his mouth parts.
A shrill ringing cuts the silence before his voice even has a chance to. He pulls his phone from his back pocket and flicks his eyes from the screen to me.
I’m not interested in seeing whether or not he’ll pick whoever is calling or stay in this moment with me.
Me.
I keep my head down, moving up the stairs, and don’t look at the door when I open it to get inside.
“Never mind.” I say with a self-deprecating chuckle.
I don’t wait to see if he’ll respond.
I already know he won’t.
Bowen
“Hi, honey.”
The door behind me closes softly, and I let out a slow exhale. My head is pounding. “Hey, Ma.”
“How are you today?” she asks, cheery and chipper. Completely normal, reasonable question to ask. Except I’m not stupid, and I’m her son. I can hear that sliver ofotherin the question.
“I’m good. How are you? Did you get the package I sent?”
She snorts. “You mean the grocery delivery order you have sent every week? Yes, Bowen. I got it. And just like last week, I will remind you that I’m old, not decrepit yet. I can still manage the store just fine, baby. You don’t have to keep doing that.”
“Just like last week, I’ll tell you I’ll do what I want. And you’re not old.”
This makes her laugh. The sound eases some of the burning in my chest. I rub at it absently and turn to take in the cabin door. The thing is old. I was going to replace it completely but thought I would see if I could salvageit for now. I try to relax my jaw when my temples throb with the pressure of my gritted teeth.
“Haven’t you always? My stubborn boy. Which reminds me…”
“Here we go.”
My mom sighs after a second of silence. It hangs heavily down the line, and I hold the phone with my shoulder, bending over to put away the pressure washer.
“Why didn’t you tell me Kit showed up? Pat and Mary called to tell me.”
I roll my eyes. “Why are parents so nosy?”
“Because we love both of you. This is important, Bowen. That boy has been through enough.Youhave been through enough. But I know my son, and I know that you’re brooding.”
I scoff, wheeling the clunky machine down the steps. I cringe with the creek of the wood on the last one when it thunks down onto it. “I am not brooding.”
“Please.”
The grass is wet from the water running off the porch, and it takes a little extra pull to get the wheels moving through the muddy patch. I leave it off to the side and make my way back to the porch. I’ll figure it and the rest of the door out. Later.
“Just say what you want to say, Ma.”
“Fine. Kit coming home is a huge deal, Bowen Lee. Wemisshim.” Her voice thickens, and she cuts herself off long enough to clear her throat before continuing calmly. “Promise me you will try. If not for you, then for me. For his parents. For…”
