I thought the hardest battle coming here would be against the memories waiting around every corner. From under every tree. I thought I would have to war with the memory of you sprawled out under the sun and the reality that you'll never be sun-kissed again.
I never thought I would come here and have to face a living, breathing opponent on top of the rest.
Your brother of all people.
B, I think he lives here. Or, at least has been here for a while? I'm not in any position to ask. I can tell he's barely tolerating me infringing on his space. All ticky jaw and grumpy as hell.
I want to simultaneously scream in his face and beg him to just forgive me. Pathetic, right?
I know if you were here, you'd have a simple solution. But right now, the only solution I can think of is broken down and currently trying to fry me alive as we speak.
What do I do, B? He's yourrrr twin. *eyeroll*
The water feels like bliss. Cool and crisp against my heated skin. It has to be pushing a hundred degrees out here today. I was stripping off my sweaty clothes before I could even see the lake through the trees. I didn’t even dip a toe in when I got here, just kicked off my shoes and dove right in.
The lake holds so many of my childhood summer memories. I could close my eyes and get lost in them for hours. Ihaveclosed my eyes and dreamed about those days more than once. When life was easy and death didn’t rule me. When Brett was real and alive and so full of everything good in my world. I’ve lost days to remembering.
My mom always used to harp about everything in balance. Too much of anything isn’t good, she would say. Mainly when we were little and questioned why we couldn’t survive on gummy worms and soda alone. But I’ve found that it pertains to so much more in life. As much as I want to live in the only places Brett still is, I’m missing out on so much of the now.
He’s gone, and he can’t come back. I’m still here.
I didn’t want to picture a life without him in it. I actively fought against making any progress in life for literalyears.Now I’m floating in the lake, wondering where I will go from here.
I could ask Bowen to take me home. I could suffer through an awkward two hours, then go to an empty house that contained me at my very worst moments. Or…
Or I couldtry.
The most terrifying option. The one that makes my guts clench and my breath hitch. The one that’s sure to hurt the most and leave me over analyzing at every turn.
A life without Brett is a reality I can’t change. I fought the inevitable anyway. A life without Bowen doesn’thaveto be my reality now. Maybe itwill never be what it used to be. Maybe I will never be his kitten again, just Meyer. And maybe that has to be enough. Maybe thatcanbe enough.
He deserves someone who will fight for him with the same vigor I fought for a ghost. He didn’t tell me to stay, but he never told me to leave either.
I canfeelhim here now. I heard him with Ian this morning. I heard him doing something in the shed a few hours ago. I saw a glimpse of him when I left for my run. He’s here, standing on the other side of a bridge that I tried to destroy one brick at a time.
Walking away may feel like the easier option now, but when I close my eyes and picture a future without Bowen in it at all? I swallow thickly and take a deep inhale, skimming my palms on the surface of the water. I turn my head, still floating. I can envision Brett right beside me. A knowing, sad smile on his face.
Where we are now, Bowen and I? It would have gutted him.Everythingabout the last five years would have. I may not have had enough balls if it were just for myself, but for Brett? For him, for me. For Bowen.
My arms strain with the effort it takes to pull myself up on the dock. I allow myself a few moments to dry under the sun before getting up. My shoes and clothes are discarded a ways away, and I move like I’m not suddenly super aware that I’m in nothing but my underwear.
A quick stop at the van to change, then I’m standing in the yard looking up at the cabin. Do I knock? Do I stand here like an idiot waiting for him to come out?
What will I even say?
“Hey, Briggs. I thought we could call a truce?”
“Yo, dude, wanna hang out?”
“What’s up, man? Just wondering if you still hate me today or…”
I can’t tell if the lights are on in the cabin with the way the sun is shining. I haven’t heard him in a while, though. Maybe he was up untilreal earlythis morning for his sleepover…
No.
Nope.
Not thinking about that. Bowen can have sleepovers if he wants to. Who cares if they happen to be with big, beefy hot dudes? Last time I checked, Bowen didn’t likeanyguys, beefy or not. Even if he does, it’s none of my business. What we shared in the depths of our grief doesn’t count. It was me grasping onto anything. Me being selfish, and Bowen trying to fix me any way he could.
