My heart may still be beating. But I know I'm dead. This has to be what death feels like. It's only a matter of time before my body realizes I can't survive a wound like this. I'll never survive it, and I don't want to.
They buried you with your keychain of me, your mom told me. Right in your hands. I'm sorry I couldn't go to your wake. I hope you understand, B. I hope you understand that I couldn't see my sun gone. I couldn't see you that way. I'm barely holding on.
I can't look at him. I can't look at him. I can't look at him.
It was a beautiful day. I fucking hated it.
Kit
Age 18
I haven’t slept.
My phone is face down on the bed beside me, but I still glance at it every couple of minutes like it might have changed. Like maybe I missed the vibration. Maybe Brett’s just…taking a while. Maybe he’s mad.
I sent four texts. Two were apologies. One was asking if he got home okay. The last just saidplease.
Nothing.
The house is quiet except for the low whir of the ceiling fan above my bed. My window’s cracked open, just enough to let the early summer air in, sticky from the warmth and humidity. I’ve been staring through the crack at the sky for hours.
Andthen I see it.
Red and blue lights flash through the crack in my blinds… Not the kind that roll past on the road. The kind that stop.
And stay.
No.
My body moves before my mind does. My legs are already tangled in my sheets, scrambling to get free. My heart is pounding so loud that I can’t hear anything else.
Not until I’m halfway down the hall, and I hear it.
Sheila’s scream.
It’s a sound I didn’t know she could make. Raw and inhuman.
“No.” I whisper it, then say it again louder, push the front door open with my whole body.
The porch light glows weakly against the dawn, but the scene is washed out in blue and red. There are people moving. Neighbors? Police? I can’t focus. I can’t hear anything over the rushing in my ears.
Bowen is there. Barefoot. In boxers and a hoodie. Holding Sheila like she might fall apart completely if he lets her go. His face is empty. Not blank…emptied.Like someone carved out everything human and left only the shell behind.
“Brett?” I choke on the name.
No one answers me.
So, I run.
I don’t think. I don’t look back. I don’t stop when Bowen shouts my name like it’s the only word he remembers how to say.
I run toward the street, the curve in the road Brett’s Jeep always disappears around, like maybe I can outrun this moment. Like maybe if I move fast enough, I can catch time by the throat and screamtake it back.
I don’t know where I’m going. I just know I won’t survive standing still.
Dear B,
I think I’ve found a balance. It’s hard though, like trying to tame a wild beast. Or leash a constantly thrashing ball of chaos. But I think I’m doing it. Learning to curb my drinking long enough to consider starting classes. And on the nights that alcohol just won’t cut it…well. Your brother got a townhouse. I go to him, B. And I feel awful about it. Because he makes me want things. He makes me want so many things, and I think…
