Me: yeah, okay
I sit up, brushing stray carpet fuzz off my shirt. Brett peeks over from the couch and raises an eyebrow. “That Jude again?”
“Yeah.” My voice is a little hoarse. “He asked to hang out.”
Brett watches me for a beat, then shrugs, smile faint. “Nice. Change of scenery might be good. You’ve been around us too much anyway.” He tries to laugh, but it comes out uneven.
I glance at him. “You okay?”
He waves me off. “Me? I’m fine. Just don’t let him bore you to death. Or murder you. But mostly bore you.”
“Thanks, that’s so comforting.”
He stands up with me, nudging my shoulder gently. “Come on. I’ll walk you down.”
We head through the kitchen and out the sliding back door. The sun’s starting to dip lower, golden light slanting across the backyard. Bowen and Tucker are shooting hoops; Tucker’s shirt is already soaked through with sweat. Delaney is perched on the edge of the deck, sipping soda, one leg dangling off the side. Shefits.It doesn’t even phase me anymore when she shows back up after only a few days of them having broken up. I don’t think anyone takes them seriously anymore, anyway.
Brett cups his hands around his mouth. “OOOOOOO, Kit has adate!”
Tucker drops the ball,panting. “With who?”
“Jude, obviously, Tuck. Did you somehow miss the whole…” Brett tilts his head, looking at my big doofus of a brother. “Ya know what, big guy? Never mind. But Jude!”
Tucker grimaces. “Ew.”
Delaney looks over with a raised brow, suddenlyveryinterested. Iknowin my bones she's not dumb. Girls seem to be way more observant than guys, especially when it has anything to do with their guy. I know thatsheknows. She watches me with sharp eyes sometimes. It was worse when Boe was always finding reasons to touch me. He’s better about that now.
Bowen doesn’t react to the news. Not that I expected him to. He just catches the ball when Tucker bounces it back, then pivots and shoots. It hits the rim, bounces once, and rolls across the yard. Still, he doesn’t look at me.
Brett elbows me, grinning like he always does. “Go get ‘em, lover boy.”
I try to ignore how it's dimmer this time. A little hollow.
I force a smile, giving him quiet thanks before heading to the front to wait for Jude. I shoot my mom a text that I’m hanging with a friend for a while. The perks of being a kid who never gets in any trouble is she doesn’t keep me on a tight leash.
I try to pretend I’m excited, but I can’t help but feel like I’m running away.
Dear B,
The world doesn't make sense without you. I can't understand how life is moving on for everyone else and I'm stuck here in this revolving door of hell. You wouldn't be proud of me, B. I know you wouldn't be, but I'm helpless to stop. I don't want to stop. It's the only thing that makes me forget for just a little while. The only thing that isn't him.
It's been eight months without you.
I can't look at him.
I learned a few weeks ago that the first two shots are the worst. They burn all the way down to my stomach, and no matter how often I drink, the taste makes me cringe. But I lost my best friend, so vodka will have to do.
I learned that if I drink enough, I can actually speak to my mom.
If I drink enough, I don't want to destroy Dr. Martin's office.
If I drink enough, it blankets my thoughts until I feel hollow. Numb. The relief is unreal. Now I chase it like it's my lifeline, that numbness. I chug the liquid relief every chance I get. I thought they wouldn't notice.Or if they did, I thought they would be happy enough that I've found something to bring me out of my room.
But my mom cries more than ever. My dad got rid of his beloved liquor cabinet. My brother frowns every time he sees me stumble down the stairs.
And he…he doesn't come every night. Like he knows when alcohol has consumed me. He won't come near my room, let alone my bed. It's my punishment for being so fucking weak. So, so weak. So weak I can't stop.
Bowen
