But now it’s all coming out. He starts shaking as he reaches for me. “Please don’t do this, baby. Please don’t make me do this.” He pulls me into a hug so fierce it lifts me off my feet.
I cling to him frantically, like he’s all that’s left in the world.
That’s how it feels. Everything else that has made up my years on this planet have one by one fallen away. And all that’s left here at the end of it is him.
His strong body and warm heart and absolute devotion.
My strong tree with such deep roots.
“I’m so sorry,” I say against his chest. “I’m so, so sorry. There’s nothing else to do.”
“I might be able to think of somethin’. Please give me a chance. How the hell am I gonna let you do this?”
“There isn’t time to think of anything else. It has to be this. We just… we have no time.”
“Then let me walk out there instead of you and?—”
“Ben, stop. You know better.” I pull back, still held off the floor by his arms. “It has to be me.”
His face works as he inhales raggedly.
“It’s always been coming to this,” I say, desperate for him to be on board with this the way he’s always been on board before. “Why do you think I’ve been so scared of loving you? Why do you think you’ve been digging in your heels so much about my safety lately. You could feel it too.” When he lets me slide back to my feet, I lift my hands to cup his jaw. “It has always been coming to this.”
His face twists again. He makes a guttural sound akin to a sob. “Vella and Roderick are right. They don’t wanna negotiate. They’re only keepin’ Robin alive as a lure to getyou out in the open. They’ll shoot you as soon as you’re in range.”
“Maybe. If they do, they do. But I think there’s a chance they want to capture me rather than kill me, so they can parade me around as a conquered rebel.”
“That’s too slim a chance to bet on.”
“There’s nothing else to do. Do we really have to debate this again, Ben? You know I’m going to do it.” I swallow over my aching throat and then have to gulp again. “I’m the one who insisted on saving Vella and her brother in that village six years ago on the day that all of this started. I’m the one who led us here. That means I’m the one who has to carry this. Please let me.”
I can see the struggle on his face. I feel it in my heart. “I don’t know if I can. I don’t wanna do this, baby.”
“I don’t want to do this either. I want… I wanted a life with you.”
He makes another rough sob, trying to smother it behind his palm. “We’ve had it, baby. We’ve had a life together. And if this is all we get of it, then I don’t regret a single moment. Do you?”
I’m crying for real now. “No. I don’t regret anything. Just promise me that, if I don’t make it past today, you’ll keep the fight going. Do it for me.”
“I will. We will. No one is gonna forget.”
When my sobs become helpless, Ben pulls me back into a hug, holding me as I shake until all my shaking is done.
We’re both in control and silent when we finally pull apart. We stare at each other for a few moments.
“Okay,” I say at last. “It’s time. I’m doing this.”
“And I got your back.” With a featherlight touch, he brushes a few strands of hair back from my face. “Right till the end.”
We’ve stalled as longas we can to give any of our people time to return to help. Ryan has been on the radio this whole time, providing updates and instructions.
I don’t know how many will return. They accomplished their mission and were on their way to anonymous safety. Turning around to save a group of allies they barely know will be a hard sell. But some of our people will return.
I’m sure at least some will come back.
The guard units have been slowly advancing toward the Arsenal with the man carrying the parley flag at the front, so when I step out onto the road, they’re visible with the naked eye. In only a minute or two of walking, I’ll be in range of their weapons.
Ben wanted to walk with me, but I wouldn’t let him. It would only put two of us at risk instead of one. There’s nothing he can do to save my life out here. I’ll be entirely vulnerable.
