“Then it was a foolish reason. I’m not the important one here. You are.” He raises himself up on his knees so he’s closer to my eyeline. “Annabelle,youare. Take the emotion out of it and tell me the truth. Which of us two is more important in this fight?”
I swallow over a hard, painful lump in my throat. His words and the truth behind them silence me. I still don’t like it, but there’s nothing I can say.
Because he’s right.
I’m in charge. It’s my vision, my leadership, and my plans. I’m not a particularly dictatorial leader, but no one has ever had as much success in acting against the Central Cities government as we have, and that’s because of me.
If I die, all we’ve gained in the past years is likely to fall apart.
The same won’t be true if Ben dies.
And right now it can’t matter thatI’llfall apart if I lose him.
“It was instinct,” I say at last, a thickness in my voice I don’t like.
I’ve never been a particularly emotional person, and I shouldn’t start now.
“I know. I get it. But you’ve got to restrain that instinct.You can’t put yourself in danger for me. Promise me you won’t.” He’s holding my gaze. Won’t let it go.
“I… I don’t know if I can make that promise, but I understand what you’re saying. I really do. This is too important, and I’m not going to throw myself away.”
He nods. He believes me.
He’s still got my foot in both his warm hands, so I carefully pull it back toward me. “Okay. Now please drop it because all your angsty brooding is distracting me.”
He gives me a leisurely smile, still on his knees at my feet. “Yes, ma’am.”
4
A few hours later,I should be resting but I’m coming back to the main building from a quick circle around the perimeter.
My ankle isn’t great, but it’s been walkable since Ben wrapped it. And I couldn’t sit still any longer.
Waiting has always been harder than anything else for me, ever since I was a little girl. I’m a doer. If I get an idea, I waste no time in accomplishing it. Whether that’s retrieving a ball from the walled yard of the village administrator when I was six or launching a large-scale rebellion against the greatest power in the known world, I always want to get it done. And the higher the stakes, the more pressing my need to take action.
So I limped around the perimeter from post to post, checking in with the people on duty and confirming that all is quiet. Ben didn’t argue or try to stop me. He knowsbetter than that. He simply got up, picked up his big shotgun, and followed me the whole way without speaking.
He’s been my shadow since Chad first hired him as my bodyguard in the Capitol. A lot has changed in the years since, but that never has.
When we return to the command station, he nods (very bossily) toward the plain sofa against the far wall. I frown at him, mostly on principle, but I try not to be obstinate for the sake of obstinacy. I go to the sofa, toe off my shoes, and stretch out my legs. I review my notes once more and then try to rest for an hour so I’m ready at dawn for the military response.
Ben comes over after a minute with a blanket from the storage room.
I narrow my eyes as he approaches. If he thinks for even a moment I’m going to let him cover me up with that thing…
He shakes his head, appearing amused as he rolls the blanket up tightly and tucks it under my injured ankle. “It’ll do better if you elevate it.”
Oh. He’s right. Of course.
I’m not normally so prickly with him, but our kissing ruse earlier and then him almost getting shot seem to have rattled me.
As long as no one but Ben notices, it will be fine. I can pull myself together as I rest.
“You gonna try to close your eyes?” Ben asks. He must recognize I’m prickly because he keeps his tone relaxedand conversational. Like he’s asking for information rather than ordering me around.
“Yeah. Pretty soon. Sorry I’ve been in a mood.”
“Doesn’t bother me one bit.” His mouth twitches slightly. I’m more used to seeing him with thick stubble or a short beard, so his clean-shaven face is still startling. But his eyes are warm and amused, and he’s looking more grungy than he did before. There’s a smudge of dirt on his forehead, like he wiped off sweat with a dirty hand, and his thick hair is rumpled messily.
