It’s too much. I have to tighten my grip, and it has to be right now.
“Yes,” I manage to say. “It’s going to get in the way. Italready has. So can you please back off a little so I can take a full breath?”
My voice isn’t mean, but it’s serious. Ben hears me. A series of reactions flicker across his face in fast succession—resistance, indignation, impatience, annoyance, hurt—but he restrains them all into a silent disapproval and steps backward.
Now I feel shittier than ever. “I’m sor?—”
“Don’t you dare say that again,” he says with a growl in his voice as he turns around, opens the door, and leaves me alone in the room.
17
So the nightisn’t good, and the morning is even worse. I’m still churning with that same angsty energy, but it’s coupled now with guilt.
I never should have let this thing happen with Ben. It’s messed up everything. Destroyed our partnership.
Blown up my entire life.
During morning updates, I’m in such emotional upheaval that I’m snippy in a way I rarely am. I have to apologize afterward.
My people aren’t particularly bothered and easily accept the apology, but it makes me feel worse than ever, like I can’t even function the way I’m supposed to.
The way I have to if I want to lead this fight.
I know it’s coming, so I’m not surprised when Ben corners me afterward, catching me as I’m on my way to walk the perimeter.
“Don’t even say it,” I tell him, trying to keep my voice controlled and thus sounding cold rather than annoyed.
“You don’t got any idea what I’m gonna say.”
“Yes, I do. I’m behaving badly. I’m snapping at people. I’ve been thrown off my game and need to get it together again.”
“No.” He’s giving me that same disapproving frown. The one that makes me feel worse. “That’s not what I’m gonna say.”
Blinking up at him, I ask, “Then what were you going to say?”
His expression softens as he stares down at me. The transformation floods my heart with warmth. “I was gonna say you’ll feel a lot better and be able to act normal if you let me… give you what you need.”
I gulp, hit with a sudden hot flash. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.” He tilts his head down and speaks in a soft, thick drawl. “You need to let me help you feel better.”
My pussy clamps down in excitement at the sound of his voice. “Ben, I told you?—”
“I know what you told me. But I’m tellin’ you that your problem right now is that you’re holdin’ out for no reason. What the hell do you think I’m askin’ for here? I’m not lookin’ to offer a life of domestic bliss. We were havin’ a good time fuckin’, so why the hell can’t we keep doin’ it?”
This isn’t what I expected. At all. All the intimacy thatdeveloped on our trip was threatening to drown me, and I thought Ben might be wanting to pull me down under the waves all the way. But he’s not.
He’s not.
“You said our fuckin’ couldn’t get in the way of our job here, but look at what’s happening. Younotfuckin’ me is what’s gettin’ in the way.”
My body is throbbing now—with growing excitement and desire and need.
Need.
But I fight through it so I can say, “That’s some ego, assuming my mood is because you haven’t given me a good fuck in twenty hours.”
“It’s not ego. I know you better than anyone in the world. You know I do. And you’re in a bad mood right now because you want to fuck me but you’re trying to compartmentalize that side of you away. But it doesn’t work like that. The only way you can be who you want to be is to beallof you. Even the part of you who really wants to fuck me.”
