And if that woman ends up being Chelle, then that’s just fine. Good, even. It’sgreat. I wish them the best. Every happiness in the world.
I turn over onto my side with my back to the room so I can’t see what’s happening over there. They’re both on break, so they can sneak into a closet or out back for aquick fuck if they want. I’ve never once tried to control my people’s personal lives. I couldn’t care less who they’re with or who they do or don’t screw.
This weird possessive urge will go away. I can’t let it matter.
I lie stiffly, forcing my eyes shut tightly so I’m not tempted to turn back over and see if they’ve snuck away or if Chelle is still smiling at him.
Why the hell do I even care? I’ve never thought about Ben that way, and I can’t start now.
I’ve committed my entire life to a cause. There’s no room in it for anything else. I’ve made these decisions consciously, rationally, so I can’t resent not having the things other people have.
This is my life now, and it will be that way until I’m killed.
Nothing but the fight.
And, yes, I have people with me, beside me, and in my heart, but it’s not the same.
I’m alone. I chose it and I’ll keep choosing it because this is what I was born to do.
It doesn’t matter that sometimes it’s lonely. And it doesn’t matter if Ben fucks a woman who isn’t me.
I lie like that, my eyes tightly closed, and continue not caring. Several minutes pass, and I’m still not caring. I keep not caring so vigorously that I’m tense from it.
When I hear something moving right beside me, I jerkand roll over, startled to see Ben’s face only inches from mine.
He’s knelt down on the floor beside my sofa with his big pack. “You don’t mind if I rest here, do you?” he asks.
“N-no.” The word gets stuck in my throat, so I clear it. “No, of course not.” I peer across the room and see that Chelle is still over there, stretched out on the two chairs like Ben was earlier.
“Gave Chelle my chairs,” he says by way of explanation for his move.
He didn’t fuck her. He doesn’t want to fuck her. He had a perfectly good opportunity and turned it down. Now he’s stretching out on the hard floor on the mat he always carries in his pack. He lies on his back, his eyes focused up at me. “Y’okay?”
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Dunno. You’re lookin’ kinda shaky.”
“I’m not shaky.”
“Not outside, but inside. Everyone gets shaky inside sometimes.”
“I know that.”
“All I’m saying is I can tell when you get that way, and you are right now.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is I can see it.” He’s eyeing me so closely it feels like he can see into my mind. “Anythin’ you wanna tell me?”
My cheeks feel hot. I have no idea why this ishappening to me. I’m never trembly and uncontrolled like this. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“I sure wish you wouldn’t lie to me, Annabelle.”
He doesn’t actually say my name very often. Whenever he does, it hits home.
“I’ve told you everything I’m willing to tell you.” I clear my throat and can’t help but add, “For right now.”
He stares at me for another several seconds. But then he nods, his face softening into almost a smile. “Okay.”
