Ruby leant over to plant a soft kiss on Heather’s forehead. Even that made Heather’s knees weak. ‘If I didn’t have someone …’ Ruby kissed Heather’s cheek now ‘… keeping me up …’ a peck on the lips ‘… all hours of the night …’now Ruby was pressing her lips into Heather’s neck ‘… I might be able to get a decent night’s sleep.’
Ruby was steadily moving south, and any jitters of stress about getting to the studio before midday melted from Heather’s mind.
‘You need to stay still.’ Ruby’s voice was a low purr. Heather tried to comply. Biting down hard on her own lower lip to try and contain herself.
When Ruby moaned with the satisfaction of pleasure given, it vibrated through Heather’s whole body, causing her to shudder. The tide began to retract, and with it her body braced, the force of the crash building steadily into a mounting wave. Breaths held in anticipation of the break. And then, Heather was tumbled by the whitewater, and for a split second suspended in oblivion.
Ruby was waiting for her when she made it back to the shore, with arms outstretched. They lay together in the bliss of uninterrupted morning for some time.
‘I can’t wait for you to meet my sister. She’s going to love you.’ Heather’s eyes were closed as she spoke, and she was hardly aware that she’d voiced her wandering thoughts until Ruby tensed beside her.
‘Does she live in Glasgow?’ Ruby’s voice was tight.
‘Yeah, right down the road from me with her husband, Lee. He’s all right – you know for a man.’ Ruby didn’t respond and so Heather continued, slowly becoming aware that she’d expected a different reaction. ‘Her name is Amanda, and she looks nothing like me. She’s only twenty-two, but she knows her own mind, you know, and she’s got a real job, teaching at the local primary.’ Heather hoped that if she kept talking, she could convince herself of the insignificance of Ruby’s silence.
‘She was the one who convinced me to take up Gareth’s offer. I was really on the fence about it, but obviously I’m glad now that I did come, otherwise I wouldn’t have met you …’ Heather petered off as Ruby pulled away and sat up on the edge of the bed. Heather watched as her shoulders hunched and she wrapped her slim arms around herself.
‘Heather,’ she began, as though apologising, ‘I’m not sure about all that. Glasgow is averylong way away.’
Heather felt the rise of panic in her throat, but she couldn’t stop talking. ‘We’d make it worth the trip. I could introduce you to my mates. A couple of them aren’t complete wankers. You might even like Rick actually, and I’m sure my mum would like to meet you.’
‘Your mum?’ The words came out spiky and hard from Ruby’s mouth, laced with contempt. Heather gulped, and finally quietened.
‘That’s all a bit much, don’t you think. I mean this …’ Ruby turned slightly, and Heather pulled the sheet over herself as she watched Ruby speaking in profile. ‘This has been fun and everything but we’ve only known each other for a few weeks. I live in London and you’re all the way up in Scotland. Fuck, I mean I’ve never even left England before.’
‘It’s only a train ride away,’ Heather said, almost inaudibly.
‘Yes I know that, I just …’ Ruby stood up and reached for a T-shirt, as though their nakedness, which only a moment ago had felt beyond notice and comfortable, suddenly felt too exposing. ‘There’s just no way I can introduce you to my mum. It would break her.’
‘I see.’ Heather understood; of course she did. Her own mother had taken years to come around to the idea, and herfather still insisted on wilful ignorance about her ‘preferences’ as he called it. And Heather had heard that it could be difficult with black parents. Her friend Sally had been completely disowned by her Guyanese mother. None of knowing this, though, made it any less painful to hear. ‘You don’t have to tell her, you know, that we fuck; you can just say you’re visiting a friend you made while you were here.’
Ruby shook her head. ‘You want me to lie to my mother?’ She sounded angry.
Heather was exasperated. ‘You’re trying to tell me that you tell your mother every lurid detail of your sex life with all these gormless men you shag?’
Ruby flinched. It had come out sounding more accusatory than Heather had intended, but she was angry now too, and it felt satisfying to get a reaction.
‘That’s what you think of me? Some slag who goes around opening her legs for any dick that comes my way?’ Ruby reached for her trousers, pulling them up roughly. ‘That what … ? Until I meet you and suddenly my world is complete and I’m supposed to uproot my life and move in with you in fucking Glasgow so we can go out on double dates with your sister and her all right husband?’ Ruby was almost shouting now.
‘I never fucking said you had to fucking move. I suggested you might want to visit and you just lost your shit!’ Heather was on her feet as well now, clutching the bedsheet to her body with one hand and gesticulating with the other.
‘Because you make me feel fucking trapped. It can’t ever just be fun. We can’t everjustshag. Every single time, you’re trying to wrap me around your finger, or get inside my head.’
Heather thought about the accusation for a moment. It seemed nonsensical that they would share each other’s bodies so intimately and then erect arbitrary barriers around which other parts of each other they were allowed to access. Where were all these red lines that Ruby felt had brazenly been crossed? They had talked about their families, their art, their dreams. What else were lovers supposed to discuss?
‘At least with Johan it was simple; he never expected to have any claim over me. He was just happy to have my company whenever he did. Why can’t you just be grateful for the time we’ve spent together? Instead of demanding more all the time?’ Ruby was shaking now, but her voice was cold.
Heather felt her words like a punch in the chest. Ruby was determined to run away, and the tighter Heather held on, the more she would struggle to get free.
‘In that case why don’t you go back tohisbed?’ Heather had hoped that this would be the last word, that she would feel triumphant as Ruby slammed the door behind her, but in the silence that grew out of the sound of Ruby’s retreating footsteps, Heather only felt empty. She found herself wishing more than anything that it hadn’t been the last thing spoken between them.
Heather headed to the studio and worked well past midnight, suddenly possessed by the dread of the fast-approaching deadline for the final showcase, now only six days away.
And yet, part of her still hoped that Ruby might knock on her bedroom door and find it empty, and another part listened out for the sound of someone walking over gravel and approaching the studio. When she finally did go to bed, she tossed and turned, and slept terribly.
Chapter 43
It was Adam’s idea to go to dinner. If Noah had it his way they would never eat again, never create again, never even leave this bedroom again. He felt like he no longer needed anything for his sustenance, apart from Adam.
