Previously those two things had felt mutually exclusive, and then in a single throwaway sentence Joshua had rearranged Adam’s entire world, and his standing in it. He wascapableof being loved. It would take many more years for Adam to feel deserving of it, but when he thought back now, the memory felt searingly poignant.
Adam got that feeling, just then – the one he’d had a few times since Joshua died – as though he were being watched. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling; in fact it was comforting, like the admiring gaze of a lover in a moment of domestic mundanity. When you catch them staring at the way you make a cup of tea, or the face you make in the mirror whilst brushing your teeth.
Adam felt as though Joshua was there with him, smiling proudly, just outside of Adam’s line of vision. As though if he could just find a mirror at just the right angle he might see Joshua standing there, arms crossed, hip popped, admiring this man that he had decided to love even more than a lover. Joshua had decided to love Adam as a son.
Looking over at his alarm clock, Adam was surprised to see it was already midday. He’d been finding it hard to get to sleep, and fallen back into his nocturnal tendencies. At night his mind would race with new ideas, costumes, choreography, new music he needed to source. Sometimes he wouldn’t notice the time until the sun began to bleed into his room around the heavy velvet curtains.
A light knock at the door. And he was suddenly once again filled with the panic of his adolescence. Adam scrambled out of bed, but managed to keep his voice calm as he called ‘coming’. He discarded the soggy briefs into the laundry basket, cringing momentarily at the thought that the cleaner who came a couple of times a week would encounter them on her next rounds.
Adam pulled a T-shirt over his head and a pair of plain jersey cotton trousers over his bare arse. He checked himself in the mirror. His hair was beginning to look a little too woolly for his liking, but he couldn’t imagine there were any decent barbers nearby. It would have to do.
Adam opened the door to Opal. She was wearing a brilliant red dress and holding a dry-cleaning bag in her hand. The pair took a moment to eye each other. Adam was surprised to see Opal looking so glamorous at this time of day, and he imagined Opal was having the opposite thought: that he looked unusually scruffy.
It was true that Adam had tried very hard to maintain appearances – it was one of the only commandments he’d retained from his strict Ghanaian upbringing. The fastest route to making a good impression was to make sure that your shirt was impeccably ironed. Up until that moment, no one had seen him look anything other than ‘put together’.
Opal’s eyes drifted downward, and her eyes widened ever so slightly. With mounting horror, Adam realised that the fabric of the trousers he was wearing was … indecently supple. That is to say that without underwear on he was almost certain that Opal could make out the outline of his not-so-long-ago arousal.
Opal cleared her throat as she dragged her gaze back up to Adam’s face. A flush of pink rose up her pale neck, and Adam felt thankful for the darkness of his own skin, which would never, so mortifyingly, betray him.
‘This is for you. I guessed at everyone’s size, but Martin’s tailor is popping by in an hour or so to drop off his suit so if there’s any alterations needed I’m sure he could help.’
Adam took the bag from her outstretched hand.
‘Thank you, Opal, that is very thoughtful of you.’ Adam had his own suit. It was already pressed and hanging on the back of the door. He wondered if Opal might be surprised to learn that he already owned an expensive suit. Then again, maybe it was easier to assume everyone would need to be clothed, rather than go through the painful conversation with everyone individually. ‘Howpoor are you exactly?’ would have been the subtext. Adam could understand why Opal might want to avoid that.
‘Guests will start arriving from around 3 p.m., so …’ Opal gave him another once-over ‘… not too long to go.’ Adam got the message.
‘I’ll get myself ready,’ Adam replied, grateful now to have something in his hands to hold in front of him.
‘Noah has been so kind as to offer to umm … “scent” the party and he has also set up some sort of sound system. Hesaid he might ask you for help with that, but I thought I’d relay the message in case he’s too busy. He’s down in the ballroom.’
The mention of Noah’s name made Adam tense, and then immediately hope that Opal hadn’t noticed. It was getting trickier to keep the Noah of Adam’s imagination and the real Noah distinct in his mind.
As Adam thanked Opal and shut his door, he imagined waltzing into the ballroom, pulling Noah into his arms and whispering into his ear: ‘I can’t stop thinking about last night.’ How strange it was that Noah wouldn’t know what he was talking about, that it could feel so real, and yet be so one-sided.
Adam showered and decided to wear his own suit. The black tail coat that Opal had left felt gimmicky, like he was in costume. He pulled the deep burgundy trousers up to his ribcage and donned the loose jacket. Adam admired himself. Feeling Joshua’s presence again, he was sure this was the right choice.
Chapter 31
The dress was purple and strapless, and unlike anything Ruby had worn before in her life. When she’d first opened up the dry-cleaning bag, the shiny fabric made her recoil. And so instead she spent an hour doing her makeup, heavy on the black kohl and the plum eyeshadow. She finally tried the dress on with every intention of ripping it straight off her body again in disgust.
But as she zipped up the garment, and the ruffles settled themselves across her collarbones, she couldn’t help but acknowledge the feeling of excitement. She looked glamorous, and she liked it. Pulling the accompanying sheer black stockings that Opal had left up her freshly shaved legs, she understood for the first time why women might wear lingerie. She felt like a present, ready to be admired and then unwrapped.
Out the window Ruby could see the guests milling around the garden. They were mostly dressed in deep jewel tones: reds, greens, purples and pinks. Ruby found herself wondering if that was Opal’s doing, and then smiled at the idea that such a theme would be in both their honour.
Officially the ‘gala’ had begun a couple of hours ago, but Ruby couldn’t bear the thought of being anything other thanfashionably late. Everyone in her line of sight was white, and she was partly dreading the curious-come-suspicious looks she would have to contend with all evening.
Now that she could faintly hear some music wafting from the ballroom, music she recognised no less, she downed the last of the glass of wine she’d been nursing and headed downstairs.
She walked through the house and in the ballroom she spotted Noah and Adam laughing together. She wondered if they were as aware of their sore-thumb status as she was.
As she crossed the room, though, she felt a pair of arms encircle her waist from behind. She swung around angrily to find Johan, his breath already heavy with the smell of alcohol. He smiled at her dopily.
‘I almost didn’t recognise you,’ he teased.
Ruby was annoyed. Since when did he think they had crossed over into the realm of public displays of affection?
She grabbed at his wrists and unchained herself from his grip. It irritated her even further to see the flash of disappointment on his face as he straightened himself back up.
