‘What did you need?’ she repeats. Her face is stony enough that even when I try to read it, I can’t. There was a time when I could tell what she was feeling from a single glance. That time has long since gone.
‘Charlotte … I’m not telling you that you aren’t allowed to spend time with your daughter.’ I swallow hard. ‘Because I don’t get to tell you what you are and aren’t allowed to do with your life.’
She leans back. Her narrowed eyes soften just a hint. Maybe they widen. I’m not sure.
‘But what I am telling you is that when we went our separate ways, we agreed to support one another in whatever we did after that. What we didn’t agree to do is dictate what that would look like.’ I think of Jordan’s persistence when I speak to her. I try to echo the conviction in her voice when she talked about facing our fears, together. ‘The last thing I want is for you to leave Tali’s life. I’ll do what it takes to keep you in it. But I need the space to begin to rebuild parts of that life. For myself, and for Tali. I won’t give up on getting over my fears and moving forward. I want to do that. To do that, I need to know what you want, though. I want to make sure that you’re treated fairly in all of this. I’m willing to work with that. If you’re willing to work with me.’
Charlotte’s eyes have definitely widened. It’s no longer a struggle to read her emotions. Her lower lip quivers faintly. We have, all three of us, been through a lot. Very rarely have I actually been able to see the toll it’s all taken on her.
It takes a moment before she speaks. ‘I haven’t … been fair,’she finally says. ‘I wantimmenselydifferent things than you, Rodney, but I want the same thing for Talise.’
‘I’m glad to hear that, Char.’
‘I know you are.’ She raises her gaze to meet mine. ‘I don’t know just what I want for you yet. I think that’s the problem. We left with such resentment after Tali’s birthday, what, four years ago?’
I could almost laugh. ‘Resentment might be an understatement.’
‘That’s accurate.’ Charlotte does ultimately laugh, a small chuckle. ‘Rodney, fear does such strange things to a person.’
I give her a small smile. I might know a thing or two about that.
‘I suppose I want you to know … I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for Tali. What I want for myself … it’s just that.’ Charlotte sighs. ‘You’ve allowed me to pursue my own path all these years. I’ve never given you enough credit for that. Now, I just want to know that whatever decisions you make, Rod, you’ll make sure that my daughter is cared for. That’s all.’ She looks up at the ceiling, then back at me. ‘I need to trust you.’
I’m not sure if the last part is more to herself, or to me, but I nod. ‘I’ll make sure of it. I promise you that. And Charlotte … wewantyou here every year. If I have ever made things feel any other way, that’s my fault, and I’m so sorry.’
She shakes her head. ‘I’m sorry, Rodney. To you, and to Tali.’
‘Charlotte, you made a choice. The choice that would make you the happiest. There’s nothing to be sorry about.’
‘Not that. The bitterness. I’m sorry that I drew a line where it didn’t belong. That I didn’t have more faith in you.’ Charlotte rolls her eyes, but there’s a tiny smirk on her face. ‘Even though you took Talise on the road with you. God, that kid saw Las Vegas at the age of two. You’re ridiculous.’
The teasing is so different from our usual spats that it takes me a moment to register and reply to her. ‘It’s what I live to do.’
‘You’ve raised a wonderful child, Rodney.’ Charlotte brushes something from her cheek so quickly that I don’t get the chance to see if it’s a tear or an eyelash. ‘You’re not ridiculous. You’re a fantastic father.’
‘She’s your child, too.’
Now, Charlotte’s laugh is more than just a chuckle. She closes her eyes for a moment before regarding me with the sort of smile I haven’t seen in years. ‘You don’t need my blessing for whatever comes next in your life, Rodney. I hope that’s freeing.’
It would be. It so would be, if Jordan were still here.
Charlotte stands up. I follow her, and then she does something else I haven’t seen in years. She gives me a hug, with those two little businesslike pats of hers that have been ingrained into her over time.
When Charlotte pulls away and heads up to her room to get her bags, I stay in the sunroom for a moment.
My compass, without whom I’m lost. Jordan guided me this far, to do the thing I’d been afraid of doing, to make the room in my heart to move on without fear.Sheshould have come next in my life. And I don’t know how I’ll ever convince myself otherwise.
Chapter Forty-Four
Filling the Silence
Rod
Afew days later, Colt calls me, letting me know that Montse knows where Jordan is. Which is great, until he proceeds to tell me that Jordan’s mother said she left very specific instructions. No one needs to know. Not even May. May, who’s pretty livid, he tells me. At whom, we’re not sure, but from what Colt relayed to me, she’s starting to calm down.
‘May knows better than anyone,’ says Colt. ‘When Jordan doesn’t want to be found, it’s usually for a reason.’
My conversation with Charlotte may have taken some of the weight off my shoulders, but it’s still that sentiment that sticks in my mind when I get away from the house for a while that afternoon, finding myself at the stables. There’s a faint breeze in the air, unusual for the thick, hot summer we’ve had this year, but it’s welcome. I crack open the gate to the back paddock,where Genny is trotting around the ring on Tiramisu. She’s been as preoccupied as me, probably trying to put the pieces together and figure out what the hell I must have done to run her favourite guest of all time off the property.
