Unsurprisingly, that didn’t make it any easier.
I also usually bring Tali to these dinners. This time, it wasn’t even a question. I couldn’t. Something vile clawed at my brain and reminded me that this wasn’t for ever – and neither was the connection Tali and Jordan had made.
I chase my pasta around on my plate with my fork. I tried to replicate one of Bianca’s recipes with Genny’s help, and I guess it turned out pretty good, because the contents of the big aluminium trays are steadily disappearing. I do my best to focus on the chatter from the kids around me as they snarf down whatever was left in the nearest tray with the help of Scout and Boo, to whom Theo is sneaking leftovers under the table, but as always, I inevitably end up at Jordan.
She’s at the complete opposite end of the ridiculously long table we set up in the gazebo, which is just a walk from the community soccer-lacrosse field. She looks as flawless as she always does. She wears a simple white tank top that shows off her strong, tanned arms, and a pair of jeans that fit as if they were made just for her. Chocolate-coloured boots peek out from beneath the hems, and a pale straw cowboy hat sits on her head, over perfect waves of black hair, providing some shade from the sun filtering in directly from the right of the gazebo. The kids love that hat. I think it was being passed around the table at some point this evening, though I couldn’t say for sure. I’m pretty sure everyone’s worn that hat at least once at this point, even the middle-school girls.
But the closer I look at Jordan, the more I notice the puffiness under her eyes, or the tired dullness in her face, or the exhausted slump of her shoulders. Little chinks in her armour that she hides well. Parts that she’d have let me see a couple of days ago; except since then, I managed to throw the beginnings of something beautiful in the dumpster and set it all on fire.
For just a split second, her eyes flick towards me, and we meet in the middle. Just for a moment.
How are you feeling?she asks me silently, a small crease forming at her brow.
Okay, I reply with a flat smile.
That moment ends abruptly when she turns to fully face Stephanie, to her right, concealing her whole face beneath the shade of her hat.
The emptiness in my chest throbs pointedly.
Genny and I work at the sink in silence. We scrub our way through a mountain of post-camp-dinner dishes, mostly Tupperwares and serving spoons. I handle the dishwashing liquid and the sponge, and she rinses. She doesn’t press me with any questions, despite the fact that she was the only other person who was there when everything went to shit.
I pass a massive glass container off to my left, but instead of Genny, another hand takes it. She crosses her arms and stares me down, despite being significantly shorter than me without her evil business heels.
‘Seriously?’ Bianca sighs exasperatedly.
Genny grabs the Tupperware from Bia’s hand and then looks at me like,sorry, I had to, before very cleverly fleeing the scene to leave me with our eldest sister.
‘Everything … is so messed up.’ Even my voice sounds empty, like I’m reading off a script.
Bia clocks it right away. I can see it in the way her shoulders go heavy, and she shakes her head. ‘When will you realize you deserve better, Roddy?’
‘I don’t know.’ One of the dogs scampers over, and from the gentle brush of fur against my leg rather than a jump attempt to take me out, I deduce it’s Boo. I give him a soft scritch behind the ears. My dogs are really the only ones I didn’t mind having around in the past few days. Every so often, they give me those disappointed looks, but other than that, they don’t complain, and they never have anything to say. ‘Honestly, Bia? It feels like Charlotte could leave and never come back and I would still just have this … this doubt eating away at me. It’s easy to blame Charlotte for everything. But what if it’s just me? What—’
‘That’s also easy to say,’ Bia puts in with a pointed finger. ‘There are a lot of factors that affect what you do and don’t feel, Rod, you know that.’
I do, and Bia probably knows better than me. She was the one who, along with Genny, decided it was time to get help. They roped in a friend of theirs, one of the best psychiatrists in Massachusetts, and that was the year I first met Dr Ruby. She’s excellent at her job – that much is not up for debate – but she warned me the medication wasn’t a magic bullet. I’d also have to stick to therapy, which I hadn’t been great about … ever. Looks like I might be paying the price now.
‘But that said.’ She screws her mouth to the left slightly. Hershoulders fall just a bit more. ‘You really should have let her in. She understands. I know you might have felt lost, but she’d have been the compass. If you’d let her.’
Bia’s words are the first thing I feel in a while. Jordan would easily have been the compass. She’s endured things as rough as any, and as much as she had her own pile of issues to work through, she still would have stopped to help me with mine.
‘Do you think it’ll affect the kids tomorrow?’ I ask instead. Bia just lets out a laugh.
‘Rod, if you think it won’t affect the kids, you’re lying to yourself. The kids will suss it out. Maybe they didn’t know there was anything going on between the two of you before—’
‘They made us have a camp wedding.’
‘Never mind. It will definitely affect the kids.’
‘Fuck.’ I run a hand through my hair. What have I done? It’s like wiping a layer of the fog on a window to see outside of it in the winter. Just a little bit of clarity, and everything starts to look a hell of a lot worse than you thought. The pressure comes down on my chest, hard. Best thing I had in a long time, and I screwed it up. I can navigate plenty of down-to-the-wire-type situations when I’m on the field. I can get you a ball that looks like it’s going to go long, and make sure it ends up in the goal. But it’s the wild Tilt-A-Whirl of feelings that depression throws at me that I’ll never completely be able to navigate. That, I need my compass for.
I brace myself on the island. My legs feel like they’re turning to slush. I make it to the couch with Boo alongside me before I collapse onto the cushions.
What have I done?
Chapter Forty-One
Mask Off
