‘What I needed.’ I heave a breath and swing myself out ofthe saddle, my boots crunching against solid ground. ‘Any chores I can be of help with? Repayin’ you is the least I could do.’
‘You don’t have to do anything.’ Genny smiles knowingly. ‘I can’t speak for my ridiculously complex brother, but my sister and I don’t need any repayment.’
I stroke the side of Hermes’s neck with a gentle hand, shooting Genny a look of gratitude. ‘I really appreciate it, Genny.’
The sound of little feet dashing over through slightly overgrown grass quickly approaches us, cutting into our conversation. We both follow the ruckus to the woman of the hour: Tali. And Rod.
He practically chases behind her with the widest, goofiest grin on his face. He looks at this kid like she’s the brightest star in the sky, crouched down, laughing as his daughter beelines right for the horses, clinging to the fence with huge, curious eyes. He swoops in behind her and lifts her right up so she can plant her feet on a post of the fence higher up. Maybe he doesn’t believe in true love, but it seems like what he has for his daughter might prove him wrong.
I’ve seen the two of them together before, the way he is with Tali; but this time, something in my heart has changed. Once you see enough of his games, you get to know the sort of intimidating he appears on the field, and it’s become clear to me that personal-life Rod is quite the opposite. And yet, this is new. I know I shouldn’t do this. Once I dip my toes into this pool of emotions, there’s no going back. That’s the reason I backed away, right? To avoid getting hurt?
Tali’s curly brown hair in its usual pigtails bounces wildly as she squeals, pointing to the two horses beside Genny and me. ‘Jordan! Is Hermes yours now?’
‘Still your aunt’s,’ I correct her. I can feel Rod’s eyes make their way from his daughter to me, and I conveniently duck his gaze. ‘Do you wanna come see?’
‘Yes!’ She literally jumps for joy, looking up at Rod with puppy-dog eyes. ‘Please, Daddy?’
Now, Rod does lock eyes with me. They’re more amused than anything else, but I detect a smidge of something different – something more emotional. He ruffles Tali’s hair. ‘Go ahead, champ.’
Tali smiles ear to ear. In that eager little kid way, she squeezes her itty-bitty limbs through the fence gate and runs right to me, kicking up dust with little pink cowboy boots.
‘Okay, so we’re gonna—’
She doesn’t wait for me to finish. This girl practically sticks to me like a magnet, wrapping her arms around my legs, big eyes squeezed shut. She says into my shirt, ‘You’re the bestest.’
I don’t even know what to say. I look out across the ring for Rod, who’s at the far post of the fence. He gives me a gentle smile, and then a small nod. Trust.
‘You’rethe bestest.’ I lean down, my hands on my knees. ‘Give me your hand, miss girl.’
Tali gleefully holds out her hand. Her fingernails are painted a bright pink. The same as my manicure. It could be a coincidence, but I hold back the biggest smile. I’ve never been ‘role model’ material. I stole a shopping cart to bring to high school on Anything But a Backpack Day. I get a little bit too lively during Black Friday. I design far-too-witty posters to hold at every country concert I attend. I admit it. I am not the one you want your first-grader imitating. But this makes it all the more pleasant, and all the more welcome.
I guide her tiny palm up to the side of the horse, and gently place it against his smooth roan coat. Her eyes get all wide again, totally flabbergasted, totally in awe.
‘Like this.’ I show her how to pet him, moving her hand, and Hermes nickers quietly, happily.
She gives me a smile that’s visibly missing a tooth, and I meet it with my own encouraging one. ‘He likes you, Tali.’
‘He’s so pretty,’ she gapes. ‘Do you know? Daddy doesn’t bring me out here so often.’
‘I think I know why.’ I can’t help but laugh, throwing a chuckle over my shoulder at Rod. Oh, this scary lacrosse attacker and his fear of horses. He rolls his eyes back at me.
‘Can I ask you a question?’ says Tali.
‘You certainly can, sweetie.’
‘Do you need a li-berry card?’
Genny practically bursts out laughing from the opposite end of the ring – no, howling. ‘Tali. What?’
‘To check out horses!’ she insists.
I watch Rod cackle with a, ‘You don’t check out horses, silly goose. You check out books. The library only has books.’
Her innocence is overwhelmingly pure. I would stifle a laugh, except tears prick my eyes instead. I see myself in this child, the daughter of a single parent.
But as this sweet girl clutches my hand in hers and pulls me towards her father, my soul twists into a pretzel. I love my mother so much, despite her stubbornness. She is one of a kind. She has given me everything I have today. Still, watching the two of them makes me wish. I would trade everything to have had a moment like that with my father. With a father who cared. A father I could really, really call my own.
Deep down, I know that’ll never be possible at this point in my life, of course. But maybe, just maybe, it’s why I’ve been doing the things I have these past few years. Never letting it get past surface level. Keeping every guy I date at arm’s length. Because what my dad did ripped the ability to trust right out of my heart, and I pretty much believed I would never get that back. That I would end up like my mother: no one to call ‘my own’, not even myself.
