‘I’ve called Conquest. They had it set up so I was second-half optional for the season, so I’ll still be able to deal with most of the sim stuff remotely. I’ve done the bulk of my job. They’ll send someone else if you guys have any outstanding issues. You’re familiar with the system. The trainers are familiar with the system. The team just needs to come through. And I’ll be doing whatever I can to continue helping with that. I mean, my job depends on it. Yours, too. Our jobs depend on it. I won’t justleave you all without any help. I swear to it, I won’t.’ The words cascade from her lips at breakneck speed.
It’s too much for me. I shake my head, trying in vain to comprehend it all. ‘Shanni. Shantal, what’s going on?’
‘I-I just … I have to go.’ She runs her hands across her face, up into her hair, and only then do I see the suffering hidden behind the guilt in her irises. ‘My mum’s found a guy. They want to plan the engagement.’
What the fuck?
Now I can’t just walk it off. I freeze in my place. I look straight at her. ‘You’re playing, Shantal,’ I repeat.
She just shakes her head, pursing her lips. She’s already blinking furiously to hold back her tears. ‘Both of them … my mother just called me. Just told me.’
It’s too much for me to process.
I move to turn away, to head in the opposite direction to Shantal so I don’t let all my anger out at her, but it’s in vain. I can’t leave her when I hear her start to speak.
‘My mum said I wasn’t the same after Sonia passed.’ Shantal brushes away a tear and continues walking at a pace so clipped I can barely keep up. ‘I guess I thought this would solve it. I mean, back then, when Sonia had just … died, I think they thought it would solve their problems too. Our house used to be full of noise. My parents couldn’t stand the silence.’
‘Did you know?’ I manage.
‘No. No, god, no, I had no idea something would come through.’ She smiles a forced smile, tries to hold it. ‘On the tram that day … I guess this was what some part of me wanted so badly to tell you. When I suggested it to my parents, I thought … I would do whatever it took to bring some happiness back into the house. But now I’ve met you. And now … Darien …’ The tears are flowing down her cheeks as she struggles to formwords. ‘When I heard my mum’s voice, Dar, I just, I felt … I didn’t think I’d hear her so happy again, ever. To be thereasonfor that …’
My hands uncurl themselves from fists, all the momentary fire in my gut fizzling out as I take it all in. If I had the chance to make my mother as happy as she’d been before my father died, would I take that? Would I do whatever it took?
‘You gave me back so many things that I didn’t think I would ever experience again.’ This time, it’s Shantal’s turn to stop walking and face me. ‘But Darien, you tore my lies apart. I can’t pretend I’m numb any more. Because I’m not. I just, I have no idea what to choose. I don’t know how to break their hearts and tell them I want to try to make some space in mine. I don’t know if I can.’
I steady her by the shoulders, though I’m struggling to figure out what I’m supposed to say. Something selfless, or something selfish?
‘Shantal, tell me you won’t—’
As if she’s read my mind, she grips my hands tight, presses her lips to my knuckles. ‘You gave me backsomany things,’ she repeats, drawing a deep breath. ‘I just need time to figure out where I go from here. I’m not going to stop working for Conquest. I just … I think I need to go back to London.’
‘Shit.’
‘Yeah.’ Her lower lip quivers just slightly, and that’s enough of a sign for me. I bring her close, and I feel her hands press against my back. I try not to focus on the quiet sniffs as she cries. Damn quiet crier, Shanni. Part of me just wants her to sob out loud. The quiet hurts me more.
I know it’s no one’s fault. It’s poor timing, it’s fate and destiny, and all the stuff I’ve never believed in. But when she’s falling apart in my arms, it’s hard not to feel guilty.
Chapter Fifty
Darien
Iglare at my trophy as I drag it through the door of my dark room, setting it on the island in the small kitchen with athump. Even though it’s first place, it’s nothing but a consolation prize. One that makes no difference to me after everything I’ve heard this afternoon. Partying, dancing, all of it felt like an obligation that I couldn’t take a shred of delight in, not when my days with Shantal could be numbered, and I still don’t know quite who to be upset with about it.
The anger falls away as I see a flicker of something just past the sitting room, beyond the door to the master bedroom and the terrace it leads out to.
The open terrace provides a rush of hot air that isn’t combatted by any air-conditioning system, just the chill of seeing her out there on the balcony.
Shantal lights candles just like she did back in Jaipur, tens upon tens of them, maybe a hundred in total. Her eyes glisten with the glow of the lights and something else. She tucks herknees up to her chin, the hem of her flared white pants dancing around her feet as she rests her cheek against her arm and lights yet another candle.
I take a tentative step forward, past the dresser and onto the terrace. It smells of vanilla and cherry blossoms – the candles. Shantal’s hair is wet, freshly washed; I can tell from the shadow of damp fabric it has left on the back of her T-shirt.
‘Shanni?’ I almost whisper.
She turns just slightly, just enough that her eyes can catch mine and hold on.
‘You don’t need to light this many.’ I search her face for any semblance of the happiness I’ve been so privileged to bring back to her, and all at once, I’m enraged at the fact that someone has been able to snatch that from her in one fell swoop.
‘I do.’ She cups her hand around the candle she’s just lit as it flickers. ‘I don’t ever want them to go out.’ When she looks up at me, the tears in her eyes spill over. ‘I’ve got to go tomorrow.’
