He doesn’t push me for answers, even though I can feel how badly he wants them. He exhales and rests his chin on top of my head. I don’t dare let go of him. Something about being in the midst of that family so full of warmth and love has suddenly sparked grief in me that I never got the chance to properly process. And for so many reasons, it throws up as much guilt as grief.
‘Ididn’t know,’ I cry into Darien’s shoulder. ‘That she was … dying.’
‘She was …’ Darien’s body goes still with shock for a moment, and then softens again when he holds me even tighter. ‘Don’t say anything. You don’t have to say anything.’
‘Darien, Iwatchedmy sister die.’ The once-unspoken words are poison, settling in my throat and shredding my vocal cords. ‘She was dying, and … we could have treated her, Darien, if we had known. But she did nothing, all so her baby could …’ I press a hand to my mouth. My fingers quiver, and I shake my head. ‘We lost them both.’
‘Oh, my god.’ The realization gradually enters his eyes as they widen with sympathy. ‘Shanni, I’m, I’m beyond sorry, I just …’
I know. He lacks the words, but so do I. In the depth of that terrible night, I had heard something crash in the kitchen. When I ran down the stairs, I had found Sonia unconscious on the ground. I was the one who called the ambulance.
We don’t want to remember people this way. We want to remember people the way they look in their best portraits: glowing, happy, warm … alive. She was already going cold when I found her. Dying. My sister, as always, had plannedfor everything, but as all of us except Rohit, her late husband, learned that night, the cancer had already decided her fate.
Sonia had been suffering from a grade-four glioblastoma, one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer, for seven months. With treatment, it was possible, if not probable, that her unborn child would not survive. Rohit sobbed as he recounted trying to convince her that it wasn’t worth it, but Sonia wouldn’t be swayed. The rest of us were told what had happened by the doctor after they tried to revive her for nearly twenty minutes.
Seven months. My sister quietly endured that hell forseven monthsjust so her child could live. I think that was the worst part about it, that everything she put herself through was in vain. Sonia’s son – my nephew – didn’t survive, either. We tried to stay in touch with Rohit for a time after, but eventually he slipped away, moving on to build a new life for himself. I didn’t entirely blame him.
‘The night before, Darien, she’d just been sitting with me, just talking and reading, and I remember her saying, “Don’t waste your time in making everyone else happy, Shanni. You’ll end up walking on hot coals for the rest of your life.’’’ I force the next sentence out, something I’ve never told anyone about my sister and her decision. ‘And that was the first time I heard anything from her, anything like a complaint. Then I found her and … and I realized that there was a slight chance that she … she didn’t do it for herself, that she was just … doing what everyone wanted. They wouldn’t shut up about kids. Get married, have kids. That’s how it goes.’
There’s so much I want to tell him. So much I want to come clean about. All those things I’ve ignored about my own future, about possibly following through on my plea to my parents after this season is over, that I’ve pushed aside to continue living inthis world where none of it matters except the two of us. I am so selfish. It hurts both of us, and he doesn’t even know it.
So how do I tell him that? How do I tell him I’m scared I won’t be able toliveagain, that everything I promised I would do, just like Sonia, is to make everyone else happy? How do I tell him I’m scared I won’t get that happiness for myself? That as much as I’ve fallen for him so, so hard, I could possibly become my sister, and becoming my sister, of all things, is both my greatest duty and fear?
Chapter Forty-Seven
Darien
‘Dar, I just, I can’t …’ Shantal tries, but she can’t finish the thought. The burden of it all is so heavy that I feel it weigh on me.
‘I hear you.’ I do. I hear her almost too well. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.’
We stay as we are for a few long moments. My arms circle her as if shielding her from the invisible slings and arrows of stabbing memories. I know exactly what those kinds of wounds do to you, and I’d take them for her in a heartbeat.
‘I’m sorry. I woke you up,’ Shanni murmurs. ‘It’s going to be a race weekend, and you need to sleep …’
‘What do you mean?’ I lean back and brush a tear from the corner of Shanni’s left eye with total concentration. I’ve been awake for mere minutes, but I’m completely aware of every detail. ‘I don’t mind. I’m staying with you,mina. There’s no other place I want to be right now.’
I know there’s nothing I can say or do to fix this for Shantal.For a human being to carry around that kind of pain for so long is punishment greater than any broken bone or torn tendon.
So I just try to be there. I stand there with her at the balcony door. I’ll stand there as long as she needs to.
Her voice cracks as she tells me, ‘I just … I just don’t know what to do any more.’
I trace circles on Shantal’s arm with my thumb, worry creasing my brow. ‘How come?’
Shantal lifts her head so her eyes meet mine, a curl of her hair sticking to her cheek. ‘To a degree, I resent her for it, for keeping that from me. And then I feel terrible when I think that way. Because maybe … Sonia did what she did to satisfy everyone else. She never got a chance to love, and now … what if I don’t either?’
My heart pounds double time as her words sink in. Who expects that kind of sacrifice from a person? It twists my gut just to think about it.
‘Love …’ I swallow hard. The words are difficult, but I try my best to put them together. ‘Love isn’t a currency, Shanni … that’s what’s so great about it. You don’t owe anyone anything to be deserving of love. Loving someone doesn’t have to be any harder than we make it.’
Shantal doesn’t move her line of sight from me. Only her lower lip quivers slightly. ‘Meeting your family last night … it was beautiful, Dar. You all show your affection so easily. I wish it were that simple.’
‘I do, too.’ I don’t know, I just want to take away everything that’s hurting her and make it mine, so I don’t have to watch her fall apart like this. Except that I can’t. I’ve never felt more helpless than when all I can do is reach out and fix that piece of hair that won’t let go of her cheek. ‘But it’s always gonna be your right tolove, as much as it is anyone else’s.’
‘And if it isn’t?’
Love hard, or not at all, Mãe always told me. Same way she loved my father, even when people told her to get over it, that he wasn’t coming back. No matter how hard the world tried to take the right to love Nico Cardoso-Magalhães from her, she never let it.
