Crap. Shantal.
I wonder if she’s as wounded as I am. In the end, part of her job relies on my performance. She needs Heidelberg to show up this season, to win the title and, like she had said, there is a degree of responsibility that she assumes for us. There’s also the strange new tension growing between the two of us, which I suddenly resent when I realize that tension may only be hurting her further.
‘What’d she say?’
‘Not much. She’s freaked out. What did you do to take up this much real estate in her head, Darien?’ Diana’s tone is just slightly teasing, an attempt at lifting the mood. I try for a smile, but all I can think about is ‘freaked out’. About the state she’s got to be in right now. She didn’t bargain for all this drama when she chose to come to Brazil.
‘Exactly what do you need from me?’ Diana finally asks, pressing a reassuring hand to my covered leg. ‘I want to help, wherever I can, okay? But the way back from something like this …’
‘I want to race. I’ll do whatever it takes.’
‘Yeah.’ The sound of the word doesn’t even come out of her mouth. She lowers her gaze.
‘Just tell me you know of some way, something I can do. Please.’
She looks back up at me.
‘Listen, Darien, no one wants to take options from you.’ She sucks in a breath. ‘But you have to consider the position Celinais in, as your trainer and as your friend. She’s got to be terrified. To push you to the limits you want to be pushed, that’s a risk for everyone involved. You’re going to be inextremepain.’
‘It’s a risk I need to take, Diana. You know I need to take it.’ I look up at the cables, exhale hard. ‘What about Shantal?’
‘Well, she’s shocked, like I said.’ Diana gives me a matter-of-fact look. ‘But bless that girl’s heart, she doesn’t seem like she’s willing to settle on you just “not racing”, either.’
I let that sink in. I’ve always thought there wasn’t a soul in the world who sympathized with the fact that I didn’t have any other option beside the race. I never have, not even as a kid. Driving is my only direction. If I don’t drive, I could lose this entire training facility and the partnership, the chance to give kids like me a way into the sport. I could lose my shot to make my father proud.
But I think Shantal understands it all, even though she has fears. I’ve never told anyone everything about my dad, about how my mother recuperated, to anyone. Never even told her, and yet, she seems toknow. So maybe I won’t have to say anything to her about why I need to race. Maybe she requires no explanation as to my adamance. Somehow, she’s already gotten it.
Diana closes her eyes. She sits down on the side of the bed and gives my good hand a squeeze. There is a deep guilt in my chest when I realize that as much as Diana being here helps, I want it to be Shantal. I wish it were as easy as touching her. Stroking her hair, her face, holding her to me.
‘I know,’ Diana says quietly. ‘Take the risk. That’s all you can do. This kind of recovery will be hell, but push. And Darien, you had better know that for reasonsfarbeyond my comprehension, that woman standing outside is willing to take your side through all of it.’
Chapter Twenty-Six
Shantal
Afshin Demir is of the unfortunate yet firm belief that Darien will not recover to finish out his season, meaning that Henri will drive the rest of it.
‘You areyoung,’ Demir said to Henri. ‘I know it seems daunting, but you can adapt. It’s your time.’
‘My time?’ Henri was still reeling, but this sentiment had him in awe nonetheless.
‘Your time,’ repeated Demir, almost proud. He’d probably have been fully proud if not for the situation.
I just worry, you know, as I watch Henri. We’re back in Rio for a week, putting him on the sim to try and do the best we can so he’s ready to race. Darien’s recovering in Miami, with the doctors insistent on not moving him until they’re sure he’ll be stable. On this front, we’re readying our Plan B, and on another, Darien is still fighting for Plan A. I’ve heard the rumours, that he’s not going to sit with the six-month recovery time. Diana had been the first to get to Miami Dade Medical the day after the accident,when Darien woke up mid-quali, and I heard even her mention something about trying to push the timeline. It worries me.
‘Shantal?’
‘Hmm?’ I snap back to the current situation.
Henri looks up at me, concerned, gripping the steering wheel, screen paused. ‘I asked if you thought I took that corner a little faster than our last try.’
I want to tell him he did, because it’s probably true; he’s been doing so well on the simulator over the past week, so well that you can tell he’s already improved in a matter of days. But that would be a lie. I’m not paying enough attention to know if he’s gone faster or slower. I can’t bear to lie. He deserves so much better. My mind is just elsewhere.
‘You took thathellafast,’ Miguel answers for me from the next simulator. He takes his eyes off the road for just a moment to flick a grin Henri’s way, and it means all the more to me. ‘It’s a brilliant corner you did.’
Henri beams. ‘Thanks, mate.’
I shoot Miguel a smile full of gratitude before turning back to our youngest driver with a sigh of disappointment in myself. ‘I’m sorry, Henri. I’m just shook. Things are moving fast here. I don’t know what to focus on.’
