I move closer, my body betraying me as my arm has a mind of its own, snaking around him and pulling him into my side. He softens in my arms, laying his head down against my collarbone as I hug him to me.
I feel him shake but I don’t comment on his crying. I just hold him, at a loss for what I can do. I don’t know. I just know I want to make this better. My hand runs up and down his arm. “Can I go first?” I whisper into his hair.
His head pulls up to look at me. His eyes heat.
My arm drops and I back away, desperately needing air. “Are you excited about reopening your bakery with the event? A light and a dark.” An easy one.
He thinks for a moment. “Of course. I’m really excited, though I didn’t expect the response online. I’ve also realized how amazing my friends are... not that I didn’t know before. It’s just nice having help, and I was always afraid to ask for it. If nothing else, that’s helping me a lot. I have great friends. I have a great family.”
I swallow hard. “And the dark?”
“I think... I didn’t expect people would want to do this because I didn’t believe they’d want to come for the things I made. I know I’m good at what I do. I am. But when you get half a dozen customers a day and only two buy something, it’s a huge hit to the ego.”
“You need more confidence. Your food is incredible.” I offer a small smile, just a tiny one. “I still think about those brownies.” And I do. More than that, I can’t stop thinking about him when I’m alone. Okay, enough. “My turn.”
He looks at me. “Are you happy with where you are in life right now? Light and a dark.”
Jesus christ.“Wow.”
“I know. Deep,” he teases, waiting for me to answer.
“I uh... I’m not really sure if I have a light and dark.” I swallow as the truth comes to mind. I almost swallow it, but with Sawyer I don’t want to lie. “There are times when I feel less miserable than others.”Like right now.“I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy or will notice if I even am.”
Sawyer’s brow furrows. “Holy shit, Aiden.”
Why did I say that? “That’s just how I feel.”
He shakes his head then slides his fingers into my hand. I think he’s going to squeeze, but instead he laces them with his and holds on tight. I can’t stop staring at our connected fingers.
“My turn,” he says softly, still holding my hand as if I could source my happiness from him directly.
“What is one memory that you would want to go back to?”
“For my eighth birthday, my mom made a birthday cake. It’s what we did every year. We would try and out-decorate ourselves every time we made a cake. She wasn’t the best decorator, but I became very good. Every year I got better. That particular birthday cake came out amazing.”
“What’s the negative?” How can that memory have a downside?
“Earlier that day I’d gotten mad at her. I asked her about my father, and it upset her. We fought about it. I was so mad, and seeing all the other fathers participate at school, I wanted to know why mine was never around. I wish I could go back and tell her I never needed anyone else. She was enough.”
He swipes his eyes quickly.
“Wow.”
He looks at me and I drink in his face. He’s sad, but there’s a spark of something alive about him right now. My arm still tingles from the feel of him in my arms. Our fingers are still linked. My eyes drop to his lips. Plump and red, they look really soft. His tongue pokes out, wetting the bottom one.
“What’s the matter, Aiden?”
“Huh?”
“You keep looking at my lips as if they have something for you.”
“I’m not—I mean I?—”
I drag my lower lip between my teeth, this heat and tension pressing down on me, and I don’t know... there’s this pull, and I want to kill it. I need him to kill it. Just once. I don’t even know what I want, but it’s like this instinct guiding me.
“Do you want to kiss me, Aiden?”
My eyes flick to his lips then drag up to his eyes.Yeah.I want it. “No.”
