It’s not that I’m not thrilled with my progress. I am. And God knows Charlotte is too. It’s just that things can be taken away so easily. I’ve done this before. Maybe not with medication, but I’ve had good days. Good weeks. Hell, sometimes I’ve had goodmonths.
It always leads right back to the same place. Me at the bottom. Barely able to drag myself out of bed to eat or shower or go to work.
It’s a vicious cycle, and while the medicine has improved a lot of things for me, I still worry. I can stillfeelthe depression. Like it’s in the back of my head instead of the forefront, but it’s still there. Still part of who I am. An insidious monster gnawing at the bars of its cage, waiting for the tiniest bit of give so it can force its way through and consume me again.
“And how are things going with Luca?” she asks, pulling me out of my spiraling thoughts.
“Fine, I guess.”
She frowns. “The last time we spoke, you had let him know you were back in town. Have you seen him since?”
I shake my head. “Not yet. I wanted to wait until I felt better. I got here literally at my worst.”
Charlotte nods. “That’s understandable. And what’s holding you back now?”
“Fear, I think. I pretty much ghosted him.”
“And you don’t think he’s interested in talking to you?”
The long string of unanswered messages in my phone from him would say otherwise. “I think it’s the opposite. I think he wants to adopt me into his little family, and I don’t know how I fit there.”
Though to be fair, I don’t know how I fit anywhere. It’s gotten easier here. I help Hunter with the animals. I help Millie around the house. I still need to find a job, though—at least if I’m stayinghere. Considering that we went and got the rest of my stuff from my apartment a couple of days ago, I think I am for the foreseeable future.
Silverpine has become home to me, somehow. Hunter has. And Millie. I’ve gotten used to waking up and helping Hunter outside. I’ve gotten used to riding Molls and playing with my chickens. Millie doesn’t treat me like a guest anymore. She treats me like a member of the household, and she lets me do things to help her. Dishes, sweeping, mopping. At first, she wouldn’t so much as let melookat a mop.
Things are better, and I’m more settled. But things with Luca… Thingsoutsideof this house and this bubble? Not settled at all.
“I hate to say it, Theo, but you’ll never fit in if you don’t show up. You have a lot of feelings about Luca. Guilt, jealousy. Maybe even some resentment, but if you want to have a friendship with him—”
My heart thuds. “I do,” I say, cutting her off. “I think it’s like… I’ve just put it off for so long that I don’t know how to open the door now.”
Charlotte smiles. “You don’t have to. Luca will. You just have to knock.”
I roll my eyes so hard I nearly give myself a headache. “I know that.”
“Then,” she says, turning more serious. “I suggest you show up. If he wants to have you in his world, then let him. You won’t heal in isolation, Theo. You know this.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “I know.”
“Our time is just about up for the day. Do you have anything else you want to discuss before we sign off?”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t think so.”
“Alright, then.” Charlotte smiles. “I hope you’ll visit Luca. Or let him visit you. And I’ll see you in two weeks. If anythingchanges between now and then and you need to get in sooner, call. We keep emergency slots open for situations like that.”
“I will. Thanks, Charlotte.”
We say goodbye, and I click the button to end the video call.
When I head down the stairs, Hunter is in the kitchen making lunch. “Hey, sweetheart. How was your appointment?”
“It was good.” I peer at the stove. “What are you making?”
“Grilled cheese.”
Fuck. That feels like fate. If I believed in something like that, I guess. “That’s what Luca made me the first time I met him.”
Hunter hums. “Maybe it’s a sign to go see him.”
