I sigh. “I’m worried that he might be doing stuff for me out of obligation.”
“And what obligation would that be?” Charlotte asks.
Well, here goes nothing. “I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I almost jumped off the parking garage after our last appointment.”
For a split second, she seems shocked, but she schools her reaction quickly. “Okay, and are you still having suicidal thoughts? Are we still in the danger zone?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. But that’s what I’m talking about. I didn’t jump. Instead, I just drove straight to Hunter’s house. It’s a ten-hour drive. I just… I thought he would help me, and I was right. He did. But what if he’s only doing all this because he’s worried I might off myself if he doesn’t?”
She hums. “Has he given you any reason to think that might be the case?”
“No.”
“Have you talked to him about any of this?” Charlotte asks.
I shake my head. It’s not that I don’t want to. More like I’m terrified that the answer might be that he doesn’t feel the same about me. “What if I’m too fucked up to even know what I’m feeling?”
“Theo, I know you aren’t insinuating that people who suffer from depression are incapable of finding long-term, healthy relationships.”
I guess I kind of was. In a roundabout way. “Not really, but kind of.”
She purses her lips. “That’s a lie your brain is telling you. Many people with depression live long and happy lives with their partners. There are hard times, but that’s true for everyone. Iworry the biggest issue here might be thatyouthink you don’t deserve that.”
My eyes burn, but I’m not going to spend another therapy session crying. “I don’t know what I deserve. But I’d like to think I deserve him.”
“I think you need to have an open, honest conversation with him. You do well managing your lingering triggers from Damien, but you still struggle with your self-worth.”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “I know. Can I ask you something?”
She nods. “Of course.”
“How do I go about getting antidepressants?” For the second time today, she looks surprised. “I want to feel still. I don’t want to be a zombie, though, and I don’t want to lose my sex drive. I just… I want to be happy. Or at least not have to fight so hard just to be… a person.”
She sits forward in her chair, her eyes betraying her happiness with this development. I really have been fighting her over the idea of medication for so long. I want to do better, though. For myself. Hunter’s right. I deserve better.
Hunter’sbrushingMollswhenI make it to the barn after my appointment. When he sees me, a breathtaking smile spreads across his face. “Hey, how are you?”
“I’m okay. I talked to her about meds.”
Hunter’s eyes light up. “Yeah? That’s amazing, sweetheart. What did she say?”
Stepping in front of Lucky, I hold my hand out to him. I don’t think he likes me as much as Molls does, but he still presses his face into my palm and lets me rub his neck.
“She gave me a referral to see someone about medication. I have an appointment in two days.” I can’t look at him right now, so I keep petting Lucky. His ears twitch as I run my fingers over his strong neck. “You’re such a pretty boy,” I whisper. “Anyway, she said they have medication that won’t affect my sex drive, so that’s good.”
Just like last time, Hunter laughs. It doesn’t feel like he’s making fun of me for being concerned with such a trivial thing, which is nice. “That’s very important,” he says, not even a hint of mocking in his voice.
I happen to agree. Especially considering I’d very much like to be having sex again. Soon. With him. If he wants to. With a sigh, I turn to him. There’s no way he’s gonna let me get by with not making eye contact, so I don’t even bother trying.
“So, can I talk to you about something?”
Hunter nods. “Course.”
“Do you like me?”
He cocks his head as his lips twitch. “Yeah. Of course I do.”
Dammit. I should have asked that better. “No, I mean, like, do you—”
