He’s clearly not, but I don’t want to lose this connection I have with him. It’s already so small. Small moments of texting, phone calls, and FaceTime sessions. And they’re slowing lately, but I won’t lose them by pushing.
“I’m sorry. I just care about you.” I shrug. “Just wanna make sure you’re okay.”
He stares at me blankly, then sighs. “I have an appointment with my therapist next week.”
“Yeah?”
He nods. “Yeah, I’m… struggling a bit right now, I think. Decided I should probably talk to her.”
“First time since you’ve been home?”
“No.” His eyes dart away. “I had a virtual session when I first got home, and I’ve set a couple appointments since then.”
I nod. I want to ask if he’s actually gone to those appointments or if he’s just set them and cancelled. “How’s work?” I ask instead.
He still won’t look at me. “Tell me about the farm?”
“Tell me about work,” I say again.
He shakes his head. “No.”
“Why not?”
His head snaps up. If he had the energy, I think he’d be mad at me. As it stands, I don’t think he’s got it in him. “Why are you asking so many questions?”
“That’s how conversations work, Theo. I ask things about you, and you ask things about me, and we talk.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to talk about those things with you. Maybe I just want to know about the fucking farm.”
“And maybe I’m tired of this being so one-sided,” I snap. “You used to open up to me more.”
He sighs. It’s tired and quiet. “I’m sparing you, trust me.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me.”
For the first time in a week, something more than sadness flashes in his eyes. “That’s rich coming from you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Preaching to me about how I don’t get to make decisions for you, and yet you made so many for me.”
His words are like a knife in my gut. “That’s not fair.”
The fire in his eyes leaves, and sadness takes over again. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m finding that nothing about life is fair.”
“Talk to me, Theo,” I whisper. “Please.”
He opens his mouth like he’s going to, but then closes it and shakes his head. “I promise you don’t want to be in my head. I’m offering you a kindness. Take it.”
Before I have a chance to respond to him, he hangs up.
Sitting in stunned silence, I stare at my phone. Fuck. That didn’t go well.
I wonder if I should go visit him. I wonder if that would help. Would I be able to help him eat? He wasn’t like this when he was here. Sure, he had sleepy, sad eyes. But he also smiled. He laughed. I can’t remember the last time I saw him laugh since then. The last time I got to see a genuine smile light up his face.
Me
Can I come see you? Send me your address, and I’ll come stay for a couple days.
