I wait for more. For the questions. For thehave you tried…and thewell, just be happy.But it doesn’t come. He just sits there in near silence, his breathing deep and his breaths puffing out in front of him.
“Yeah,” I mumble. “Me too.”
Lila’s ears twitch as she makes little gulping sounds, and I chance a glance at Hunter. He’s watching me. I already knew he was. I could feel it, but… It unsettles me. Not that he’s staring at me. But how little it unsettles me that he is.
“Today feels different?” he asks, peering at me through his lashes.
My teeth sink into the inside of my lip. “Yeah, a bit. It’s like… It feels like… Ugh.”
He shakes his head, his lips turning up in a sad smile. “You don’t have to explain. Thank you for telling me.”
I want to tell him. I want to tellsomeone,and yes, Iknowthis is what my therapist is for, and we’re going to ignore the fact that I haven’t seen her in months. Some part of me just wants to tell someone the ugly truths in my head. And the reality is that I’ll be leaving in six more days. I’ll never see Hunter again. Why not him?
I shift, adjusting Lila in my arms. I look at the hay in front of us for so long that my eyes go a little unfocused and blurry. “You know how some people wake up with, like, a full tank of energy? That doesn’t really happen to me. I’m so fucking tired, like all the time. Just exhausted to my very core. Brushing my teeth? Exhausting. Feeding myself? Even worse.”
He hums, like he’s piecing things together, and my heart thrums because, fuck, why am I telling him this shit? But now that I’ve started, I can’t stop, and I’m not sure that I even want to. “I have better days. Like today. Today is better. But my base level? Never one hundred. Hell, barely even fifty.”
For a long while, Hunter sits silently. I pull Lila closer to my chest, focusing on the warmth of her body and her solid weight pressed against me.
“I’m really sorry. That must be so hard.”
My throat tightens to the point of pain. “It is.”
“I don’t understand it personally,” he continues, blowing out a breath, “but I bet it’s really frustrating to wake up and already feel like you’re behind everyone else.”
I squeeze my eyes closed as my throat tightens more. “It’s embarrassing.”
“Hey,” Hunter says softly. “No. It’s a real problem that affects tons of people. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“I was going to be a lawyer,” I whisper, even though I’m not sure why. “And then I met Damien.”
Hunter swallows so hard I can hear it. “There’s nothing that says you can’t now.”
A humorless laugh bursts from my throat. “I can’t even reliably show up at thegas stationI work at. No way I could manage law school.”
Silence falls over the barn again. Fuck. I can’t even have a normal conversation with someone. I hear air being sucked through the bottle, so I gently work it free from Lila’s mouth.
“You’re good with her. She likes you,” Hunter says as he takes the bottle from me.
Rubbing my thumb along her forehead, I try to smile. It doesn’t work. “She likes food, maybe.”
Hunter chuckles, standing up. “Yeah, that too. Are you ready for the chickens?”
I whip my head up. “You still want me to go?”
His brows draw together. “If you want to.”
If I want to. “There’s a difference between charity and someone actually wanting to be around you. You don’t have to feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t feel sorry for you,” Hunter says slowly. Carefully. “I just don’t want you to feel locked into anything. If you want to come, I’d love to have your help.”
Holding a hand out to me, he raises an eyebrow. I take it, feeling the callused skin against my own, and let him help me to my feet.
We walk outside in silence. The sun is sitting low on the horizon, and as we make our way across the field and to the barn that I’m assuming is the chicken coop, I can’t help but stare at it.
“Is now a bad time to tell you I’m afraid of birds?” I ask when we get close to the coop.
“Are you?” Hunter asks. “I can walk you back to the house and do this alone.”
