I feel a pang of jealousy. Everyone has someone, except me.
‘I’ve brought the stuff for that game I told you about. But we need to do our own watch party ofThe Walking Deadwhile we play. Which streaming services do you have?’
He sets up the series and the game. ‘Pick a random episode. The rules are simple. If you hear a name that sounds anything like Beryl then you shout Berylgeddon! and drink a shot. The other player loses an article of clothing of your choice.’
It turns out I am very good at Berylgeddon. And I’m also very drunk. ‘Did you know Jonah rhymes with boner?’ I say, as he sits in only his boxer shorts, following my successful response to a run of Daryls, Carols and Merles.
‘Now that’s a coincidence,’ he says, flashing me a lazy smile. ‘Because all the talk of Beryl has definitely had an effect.’ I place my thumb on his waistband and trace it downwards, putting light pressure on the thickening cotton fabric. ‘And if you carry on doing that, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.’
Remembering Eva’s words about grabbing happiness, I seize the moment, tracing kisses down his bare chest. ‘Then it’s also lucky that Joe rhymes with blow and I’m here to help you out.’ I edge the material down and he wiggles out of them.
‘Ah, but if the world is going to end, I want to be inside you when it does,’ he says, his fingers finding their way to my waist and working quickly on my button and zip.
‘Oh, you will be,’ I say, and then I don’t talk anymore.
Chapter 33
When I wake the next morning I’m alone. Looking at my phone, I figure Joe will be about done at the van, so I get dressed to surprise him with my company. Perhaps I can take him out for breakfast.
With a thick head from all the tequila, I put Doodle’s sausages around his neck and close the front door. Outside my house a huge rescue truck is trying to load a broken-down car, with double-parked cars either side. Even so close to Christmas the permanent roadworks are still here. They take up the pavement on our side of the vehicle, complicated further by my neighbour’s skip. And ahead of me, in the way, is a ladder. A double ladder, stretching up to the first floor of a house badly in need of repair.
Normally, I’d back off and walk all the way round the block till I reached the Tummy Mummies clothes shop, and outside it, the man who made last night so memorable. But Eva’s accusation is needling me. My bad luck rituals are not the boss of me.
‘What are we gonna do now, Doodle?’ My dog looks up at me with his big eyes. ‘No answers? I thought you were London’s canine problem-solver? Do I give it a go?’ I ruffle his head and he woofs encouragement. The door of the truck is open, and I ask the driver if it’s viable to move. ‘I’ll just be another ten minutes or so,’ he reassures me with a cheerful smile as he walks to the rear of the vehicle and starts loading.
My heart pounding, I gaze through the ladder. I haven’t walked under one since I was a child. Maybe never.
I’ve got this.
Have I got this? I look down. Doodle looks up. He woofs again. I take a step forward. My chest tightens as though someone’s put a band around it. Am I having a heart attack? I put my hands on my thighs and try to take deep breaths. I have spent so many years telling myself not to walk under ladders, I am smashing imaginary fire alarms and trying to run. There’s a keening in my ears and I realise it’s my voice. Focusing on trying to breathe, I squat down, my face next to Doodle who licks my nose. The drumbeat of my heart gets louder and I’m worried the ground is about to fall away and I’ll kiss the concrete. I let go of the sausages but Doodle doesn’t bolt.
‘Daisy? Daisy, what’s wrong? Let me help you up.’ It’s Joe, with an armful of very brown bananas. As he crouches next to me, they spill onto the pavement.
‘I’ll be fine in a moment.’ As I try to steady myself, I think back to my list, and the shadow side of me I wrote in dark pen yesterday. The ladders and cracks. The care taken with new shoes in case they touched a table, the endless search for black cats and counting of magpies. The horrible insults I whispered at babies. All the salt I have wasted by chucking it over my shoulder.
‘Take my hand,’ he says.
‘I’ve got this,’ I repeat, this time out loud. Getting to my feet I rest my head against the cool metal of the ladder, trying to ignore the pounding in my head. I take a step forward, and then two back. It seems I don’t have this.
‘You’ve totally got it. And I’ve got you.’ Joe’s voice is calm and supportive. I let go of the ladder and reach out for him. He feels steadfast and my pulse slows a little. Doodle barks encouragement.
‘Look!’ Joe points to the top of the ladder.
‘I don’t see anything.’
‘Exactly. There’s nothing there to fall on you. No man with a paint pot. No kid with a brick.’ He steps through the ladder. ‘But there’s someone this side of it you can trust. Look into my eyes and walk under the ladder, Daisy. You only need to do this once, with me, and you’ll be able to do it on your own after that. For all time. You can do it,’ he says again, his support unwavering. ‘Just keep focusing on me.’
My heart slows, and I take a step, then another. When I reach the other side, I stop holding my breath and almost choke on the fresh air.
‘That’s it. You did it. Nothing happened. Try again.’
I turn back. The sky does not fall on my head. Slowly as the turtle at first, then a tiny bit faster, I do ten thousand steps in ten. He follows me and I turn and fall into his arms, weak with the effort. His arms clasp around my back, holding me up. He’s strong and steady and my legs don’t feel so wobbly anymore. We weave fingers and I push my forehead against his, the adrenaline starting to recede. We stay this way a while. And when we pull away, I look up to the top of the ladder, where a windowsill lies in a state of disrepair. ‘I did it.’
He nods, scoops up the bananas lying on the floor and passes me Doodle’s lead. Then taking the rungs of the ladder two at a time, he climbs.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Proving something.’ At the top, he turns, steadies himself by digging his knees against a rung and chucks a banana at me.
