Vince is next and confesses his main source of income comes from a toilet roll advert. ‘Your bottom is our top priority,’ he says in his rich voice and several women swoon. I laugh as I realise why he’s gone down this route. ‘I think Sunny Delight yellow might have been her chosen colour, not a declaration of her sponsor.’
‘Ah right. Then my chosen colour is obsidian. Did you know only vintage vampires have truly obsidian eyes?’ His eyes twinkle in my direction as he steals the fact I gave him a few weeks ago.
‘A vintage vampire? Tautology surely?’ I correct him.
His grin widens from ear to ear. ‘You want me to bite you twice?’
There are a few titters in the hall as people realise the wellness chat might also be entertaining. I introduce the tantra guru who runs a love camp– she describes her colour as thunderbolt gold. Aurora is more matter of fact, explaining she’s an investigative reporter and columnist and her colour is red, like her hair. We start with our personal definition of happiness and the panel members throw out ideas on how to be a more rounded human being.
I kick off the suggestions. ‘Write yourself a letter of gratitude at the end of every day. Or keep a journal of what makes you smile.’
‘Surround yourself with positive people. Emotions are contagious. A conversation with a cheerful friend of a friend or a shopkeeper can make a real difference to your day.’
‘Give something away. If you can’t afford this, then volunteer– give someone your time.’
‘Be authentic.’
‘Be mindful.’
‘Take your head out of your ass and smell something more fragrant,’ Vince says, last but not least to comment. I scan the room. People are engaged and smiling, and on stage only Aurora is quiet, taking her bitten nails to the quick. I’m starting to think she isn’t worth her appearance fee. She’s so shouty in the paper I thought she’d be more entertaining.
Snapping back into the conversation I find Vince holding court. ‘Don’t be fooled into believing depression leads to alcoholism. It’s the other way round. Alcohol leads to depression.’ For a reason I can’t fathom, he gets up and moves centre stage. Crossing his arms and weaponising his smile, he tells the room he had the world on his shoulders for a while like an enormous black dog. ‘At my lowest point I went to the liquor store, reached into my pocket for my wallet and found a leaflet from today’s conference organiser, Daisy Blane. And let me tell you this woman should be rechristened David because she is truly a magician.’
Aurora looks up, as if engaged in the convo for the first time. I blush as fast as Vince gushes. ‘She wouldn’t let me off the hook. Forget your happiness journals and gratitude diaries, Daisy challenged me. Called me out on the bucket list. Made me see I was self-destructive and selfish while propping myself up with my best friends– whisky and bourbon.
‘She made me look into the darkness and from there I started to find the light. In increments. What really made a difference? She stuck with me. She came week in, week out, even when I was looking into the abyss, suggesting I tie yellow ribbons, pinch myself happy and separate what I craved from what I needed. She also showed me what real pleasure was, making me scale back things I thought were doing it for me but weren’t.’ He flings his arms out towards audience members like he wants to embrace each one individually. ‘We are all the same, aren’t we? All thinking the latest thing will fix us. My spirit was crying out for something more nourishing. And I found it, right around the corner from here in the Japanese Garden. I threw off my adult self on a concrete slide that looks nothing like Mount Fuji, after facing my ghosts at the crossroads and sending them off down a new road.
‘Daisy often talks about being weighed down by our pasts. With her help, I am focusing on living in the present, shaking off what has gone before and looking forward to the future. She also made me do something I wouldn’t do for anyone else.’ He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the white napkin I wrote on in the restaurant with Joe, that awkward night they were reunited.’ He holds it up. ‘If you can’t read it from where you are sitting, I am now a fully paid-up member of AA.’
I do a double take at his words, while reading my own on the serviette.
Quit drinking, Asshole x
He strides across the room to me and goes down on a knee. I panic he’s going to pull out a ring, but instead, he bends and kisses the toe of the Converse shoe Doodle tried to chew off me a while back. ‘I kneel at your feet, my awesome happiness coach.’
I reach for his hand to yank him up as there’s a commotion from the back of the room. A jealous beardoodle comes haring through the audience. Vince may have shaken off his black dog, but this black and white one is very determined to join in with the foot licking. Doodle swerves him, and goes for me, as plastic sausages skitter along the floor and hit a speaker. The audience laughs as I try and fail to calm him down. After he’s licked me in several places, and pushed his claws through my clothes, he lunges at Vince.
Eva runs up with doggy biscuits. ‘VIP surprise!’ She beams at me as she gets him under control. People are filming the incident and I’m imagining clips of the hot actor ‘cuddling a cutie’ will be on YouTube before very long. I apologise for the disturbance although I’m sorry-not-sorry as the audience is loving it and I’m overjoyed to see Doodle.
‘Buy him!’ I say to Eva under my breath. She raises her eyebrows. ‘Do it. He’s too precious to lose. Two and a half grand.’
As the room quietens down I try to get things back on track. ‘Aurora, I wondered if you’d like to get the conversation started again. As an experienced journalist, you must have come across many practitioners of wellness as well as theories about how we can balance our lives and achieve an optimal state of mental health.’
The journalist meets my eye for the first time and holds my gaze. ‘I have come across a lot of science yes. But also, a good deal of charlatans. People like you and your friend with the bells over there, who have no proper backgrounds in medicine or psychology. People who offer anodyne opinions, or pieced together theories stolen from other, more qualified practitioners.
‘Unfortunately, they offer their regurgitated waffle with such authority that people believe them. Or, like you, they package it up into hashtagged, bite-sized chunks to be liked and shared. People who promise the world and deliver nothing. Worse still, they mislead and misdirect.
‘How many of your depressed followers have you stopped from visiting a GP because they are slavishly lapping up “tips” for happiness, expecting rainbows and unicorns to appear and change everything? I have looked at your feed and it’s a scattergun approach of rose-tinting life. If someone like Vince is depressed and drinking heavily they need to visit a professional therapist or doctor, not reupholster their emotions. Because time will break down the thin fabric and what looked shabby chic is eventually revealed to be shabby.’
The hall falls silent. Several people are recording her speech on their cameras. Embracing her moment of fame, she’s on a roll.
‘What you and others do is irresponsible, yes, but I’d go further and say it’s immoral. You can’t spray a happiness deodorant and expect it to mask the scent of someone falling apart.
‘Following your musings on Twitter, I’ve compiled a spreadsheet of theories I suspect you pulled from books, online sites and podcasts. They are never consistent. You skilfully cobble together other people’s thinking into a series of easily digestible sound bites. It’s a talent, I give you that, but psychology is all about practitional learning and scientific testing. And while you bang on about being “true to yourself”, I’d go so far as to say nothing about you is authentic.’
I rub my eyes. Is this my live shaming after all? I try to process her words. Not qualified? But I have a degree. And a diploma in human behaviour. ‘Of course, we all know who your biggest client and fan is– I loved your new TV show by the way, Vince,’ she says. ‘We’ve heard the actor state publicly you’ve worked wonders with his mental health. But I suspect he’d have got the same benefit from a short holiday and ten sessions with a qualified therapist. How much are you charging for your services may I ask?’
I open my mouth and shut it again, but she doesn’t stop to notice as she races towards an unmarked finish line. ‘Your self-help hashtags are ludicrous. #CuddleACutie? I believe this invitation resulted in a child from Deptford almost getting mauled a few weeks ago. And the Daisy and Doodle advice column, where you dispense happiness prescriptions from the point of view of your dog?’ She nods at Doodle at the back of the hall, still in Eva’s firm grip. ‘Want to enlighten us about that?’
