I shake my head and tell them successful chinking requires eye contact.
‘Why? So, you don’t spill the drink?’ Kai asks.
I’m already regretting this line of conversation. ‘If you don’t do it properly, seven years of bad sex might follow.’
‘Seven years of it?’ Kai’s eyes widen, before he rips Eva’s mask off her face and smashes his bottle against her glass. Understanding his message, she looks like she just won the lottery.
‘Of course, some people aren’t that great at sex to begin with,’ I say under my breath.
He turns back to me. ‘I think Eva will confirm I am. Why haven’t you come back to work?’
‘Because I quit? Or did you not get the memo?’
He turns to Eva. ‘Did you tell her about my offer?’
‘She told me you’re in charge of Magik Kube now and will be making a ham-fisted attempt at opening another hotel, probably without ever being there to take any responsibility for it.’
‘I’ll be there, taking the responsibility and the credit. And hopefully the profit eventually. I’m self-grounding from now on,’ he says.
‘Too old and unsuccessful to make it in Ibiza? Comin’ home to get real?’
He shrugs. ‘Something like that.’
‘Returning to claim your inheritance more like.’ When he doesn’t contradict me I continue to needle him. ‘Which, lucky for you, involves a million-pound hotel from Daddy? Oh no, sorry, the hotel is in Kensington, so I should probably add a nought to that figure.’
‘Keep your blood-soaked wig on– “Daddy” hasn’t died, you know. And the new hotel will need to go into the black before I can become master of the budget motel universe. Anyway, you inherited property, didn’t you? Which also makes you one of our generation’s privileged few. We are the same.’
I prickle. ‘We are not the same.’
‘Tell me, what have you come as tonight– the corpse of Sleeping Beauty?’
‘I’m Carrie.’
‘Who’s Carrie?’ I forgive him because the film is old and he’s not likely to be into musicals. But I’m not interested in any more small talk.
I turn to Eva. ‘Want a go at the bucking bronco? Try and regain last year’s title?’ Every year they dress the machine differently; last year it was kitted out as Freddie Kruger. She totally wiped the smile off Freddie’s face with her vice-like grip on his evil neck– ten years of massaging backs and shoulders priming her for the job. No one was sure who to be more afraid of as she walked away with the trophy.
She replies she won’t waste her energy till the weaklings have dropped out. Meanwhile Kai decides to waste more of mine. ‘Eva seems to think our new hotel might be right up your street.’
I throw her a look for talking about me behind my back, before reluctantly engaging. ‘It’s in Shepherd’s Bush?’ It seems this area is suddenly all the rage.
He gets excited by the fraction of interest I’m expressing. ‘On the green yes, but I didn’t mean literally up your street. We bought a guest house after the manager did an overnight flit and the owner bailed. It’s huge but the structure is sound, and planning’s been in place for a while. We just need to redecorate and rebrand. I’m thinkingemojis– a new fun concept in hotels for the under forties, targeted at backpackers, Aussies, that kind of thing. Similar concept to Magik– pack ’em into small spaces for a low fee. If they book a long way in advance or last minute they get a better deal. No hour-long bookings though. The temp had a breakdown cleaning all those bedrooms when you left. And two other agency workers didn’t fare much better.’
‘You got three people in to do my job?’
He nods. ‘And none of them could handle the workload. That’s why I want you back.’
‘I’m not coming back.’
‘But what do you think?’
‘About what?’
‘Happy faces, sad faces, great big purple aubergines?’ He puts the question to us both but he’s looking at me. I’m guessing Eva’s been in on the conversation for a while. I look him over; I don’t like the guy, but he’s asked my advice. I concede it’s a good idea and elaborate on how I’d brand it for the Insta and Snapchat generation. ‘Paint the whole thing white and use symbols everywhere as signposts. Maybe have smiley face traffic lights outside the toilets to let people know when cubicles are free. Headphones emojis for your quiet spaces, heart-shaped pillows in your honeymoon suites, and fire pics outside the sauna.
‘Themed rooms; maybe using social media icons like the Instagram camera and the Twitter bird– lots of Insta-friendly photo stations. The trick will be to get your branding on everyone’s socials and then you won’t have to spend any money on marketing. And perhaps call it an “emojitel” to play on the American motel thing?’
‘Invite influencers to the launch and show them a really good time?’
