‘You put something and crossed it out.’
I run my finger over the top line of my list, hoping he can’t tell I wrote the word ‘family’. Relationships are not my superpower. Who kills their own mother when she’s giving birth to them and then drives away their father when they should be bonding like Bostik? I know without a doubt I’m unlucky– but I’m still not sure whether I’m loveable. And a family of my own seems so far beyond my reach it isn’t even bucket list stuff.
He taps my shoe with his. ‘You want me to phone and call you awesome every day?’
‘I’d be OK with that.’ I smile, pointing at his number one priority. ‘Over seventy per cent of Americans put travel as their top bucket list item. Does “going home” mean a holiday for you?’
‘No.’ He speaks quietly, unable to meet my eye. ‘Not a vacation. I was thinking more of a new life. Or a continuation of my old one. But it’s a stupid idea.’
When he eventually meets my eyes, I can see the pain in his. ‘Why is it stupid?
He stands, pushes back his chair, prepares to dismiss me. Unwilling to let a breakthrough go, I continue to fix him with my gaze. Eventually, he caves. ‘Because I don’t believe you can ever go back?’ I wait quietly for him to say more. He looks at his watch, and glances at the door. Gives it another moment before he answers. ‘And because I don’t know where home is anymore.’
He sits back down and rubs his hands together as though trying to clean soil off them. ‘That seventy odd per cent that were interested in travel … where did they want to go?’
‘In the survey I read, it was Honolulu.’
‘I’ve been there for work. It sucked. Anyway, for the record, you do need a supercar in London. I garage mine in a better class of neighbourhood.’
‘I bet it’s red?’ He doesn’t reply, but the gleam in his eyes tells me I’m right. ‘OK, in the few minutes we have left we are going to look at Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs”. Otherwise known as his triangle. In honour of my flatmate, I’ve called it his Toblerone.’ I draw a pyramid shape on a spare sheet of A4, and label it in chunks with ‘physiological needs’ at the bottom, and ‘self-actualisation’ at the top.
‘I’ll show you it now and we can do some work on it next week. Have you seen this before?’
‘Well obviously I’ve seen a Toblerone …’
‘It looks at human needs and arranges them as a hierarchy. Think of it asGrand Theft Auto; you have to complete one level before you can move up to the next.’ I point to the bottom of the Toblerone. ‘Right there Maslow placed thephysiologicalneeds we all have– the things that keep us alive and functioning, like sleep, food etc. Then, he said, we move up a level and worry aboutsafety– enough money and a place to live– before we hop up tolove and belonging. Afteresteem, comesself-actualisation– that’s about achieving what we are capable of. Most people have to meet some of their needs at the bottom of the Toblerone, before they can move up the chain.’
I hesitate to say the next words before plunging in. ‘Broken people tend not to feel they are ever getting anywhere near the top.’ Looking for a reaction, I spot a slight flicker of his eyelids. ‘I wonder if in pretending to be awesome all the time, you’ve lost sight of who you are and what you need, or, more importantly, what’s lacking in your life. This week for your homework I’d like you to go through your Happiness 101 List and see where those ideas might sit on the pyramid.’ I grab my bag and he walks me to the door. ‘Same time next week? Oh, and, Vince, I hate to disillusion you, but no one can be forty-nine for ever.’
‘An actor can– with a few tweaks from a good surgeon. But while we’re breaking difficult news, I have to tell you unicorns never existed.’
I shake my head in exaggerated despair. ‘And I’ve wasted all that money at the hairdresser’s.’
Chapter 10
Back home, Eva is working at her laptop in the kitchen, while on Snapchat with Kai. He’s starting to be a regular guest at the table, hanging around on-screen while she cooks dinner, cleans up or takes the dog for a walk. I put the kettle on, and she turns him to face me. ‘Told Kai about Happiness Guru brand. Want to meet you for big storm of brains.’
I lean towards the phone. ‘You’re fine thanks, Kai. My brain was never engaged when I worked for you. Broken any mirrors lately while shirking work?’
He grins. ‘No, but we’ve now christened all the pods.’
Ew. Way too much information. I walk down the hall and pop my trainers by the front door, checking all the umbrellas are firmly closed. Annoyingly, he’s still there when I return, lolling around on his pillows, a sight I really don’t want to see, even through a small device.
‘Talk at Halloween party,’ Eva says.
I flash her a look for inviting him on our night out. ‘You two will be all over each other and I’ll be left hugging the bucking bronco.’
‘No kissing through gusset,’ Eva reassures me. Last night she cut the legs off a pair of tights and Wonderwebbed a luminous triangle onto the material to impersonate one of the masked security guards from the South Korean TV showSquid Game.
‘OK, how about we call the whole night my belated leaving do, and get smashed on your boyfriend’s expense account? And before you tell me that man-child isn’t your boyfriend, I heard you playing Truth or Dare at two o’ clock this morning and your challenges were X-rated.’
‘So did you hear it when I—?’
I cut Kai off. ‘It’s bad enough I had to suffer you being a terrible boss without hearing you trying to be romantic.’
He laughs and signs off to do an all-night gig.
Eva picks up Doodle’s bowl and refills it. ‘No sign of dog owner. OK to stay one more day?’
