The question was so innocent, so routine. But in refence to her and Benji it was anything but. ‘On and off for almost twenty years now,’ Sierra replied.
Skye looked taken aback. ‘Really? I had no idea. I thought it was new …’
Instead of changing the subject or blowing it off, for the first time ever, Sierra said those words out loud. ‘We lost our baby a year ago, and things between us kinda … stopped.’ The words hurt to say. But they were the best she could do. She couldn’t say ‘We broke up’, because that wouldn’t have been true. You broke up with someone, understanding that they would most likely never have that same role in your life. She and Benji hadn’t broken up. They had just … not been together.
When she risked a glance at Skye, the other woman’s blue eyes were huge and glassy. ‘I’m so sorry I asked,’ she said with a small shake of head. ‘Nobody told me.’ She momentarily closed her eyes. ‘Oh my God. That’s why you don’t ride?’
Sierra nodded. ‘I can’t …’forgive myself. She was too ashamed. Too sad. Tooheavy. Because even if riding hadn’t been what had done it, her body had. It had failed her, giving her life even as it took the life that she and Benji had created.
‘I … I’m so sorry,’ Skye repeated. ‘I’m always putting my fucking foot in it.’
‘It’s okay.’ But sensing Skye’s mortification, Sierra nudged her. ‘Should we get this show on the road?’
‘Are you okay? Doing this – helping me? If I had known, I never would have asked.’
‘I’m fine,’ Sierra replied. ‘It’s been nice actually – to be around the horses again.’ When Skye still seemed unsure, Sierra called, ‘Benji! You ready?’
‘Yup!’ came the reply.
As Skye moved out of the way, giving Benji and Smokey space, Sierra took a huge inhale.You’re fine, she reminded herself. And instead of that slippery panic she usually felt when something reminded her of Baby Girl, for the first time ever, she believed it. Shefeltit.
She moved and stood next to Skye, who took the little stopwatch from her hand as Benji lined Smokey up and came to a halt on the back line. ‘Watch how he keeps Smokey in the frame but pushes her out a little if she needs it’ Sierra instructed as the horse started prancing in place, her excitement clear.
Sierra’s heart pattered as she watched Benji hold Smokey on the spot, and when he took his seat and pushed the horse off the start and into a gallop, her heart lurched. But not with fear. With excitement.
Benji approached the left barrel first as she’d instructed him to. He checked Smokey, took the turn in three strides, his pocket perfect, and when he pushed the horse out of the turn, Smokey accelerated impossibly fast in one huge drive forward. The second barrel he took in two strides and kept it close, and by the time he reached the third, Skye was staring at the stopwatch and jumping up and down, yelling, ‘Go! Go!’
Benji and Smokey rounded the third barrel perfectly and shot down the straight. He grinned at Sierra as he passed the line, sat back in the saddle, and said, ‘Woah.’
‘Holy shit!’ Skye held up the stopwatch, showing Sierra a seventeen-five-five time.
‘I told you!’ Sierra laughed when Skye pulled her into a spontaneous hug. ‘And Benji has a hundred pounds of weight on you,andhe still took the barrels tighter than I would have liked.’
‘I haven’t raced in over a year,’ Benji reminded her as he brought Smokey abreast of them.
He started to dismount, but Skye stopped him with, ‘One more! Please. I was so excited I forgot to actually watch what you were doing.’
Sierra laughed. She looked up at Benji, waiting for him to decide, but instead of his agreement, the unspoken question ‘Wanna give it a go?’ bounced between them.
Her stomach flipped with excitement. For one long moment, she stared at Smokey and imagined the air whipping her face and the sound of galloping hooves filling her ears as she ran the pattern. Her sensory memory was so powerful that her thigh muscles tensed as if gripping the saddle, and terrified by her new desperation to say yes, to ride, Sierra took one sudden step back.
She wasn’t ready.
She was too afraid of what that step would mean – for her, for Benji, forthem. For so long, she had deprived herself of the two things she loved most in the world because she didn’t feel like she deserved to be happy. And, now, when happiness was beginning to break through anyway, she didn’t trust it.
She didn’t trust that it was real.
She didn’t trust that it would stay.
And, worst of all, she didn’t trust herself not to ruin it when the grief rose next.
‘Try to take the first barrel a little wider this time,’ she directed.
Benji smiled gently, understanding. Always. ‘Okay.’
He walked Smokey back to the starting line. Again, the moment the horse realized that they were going to run, she started pulling on the reins and moving sideways, pulling against the bit, desperate to go. Benji held her back for a few seconds, letting Smokey’s excitement build, and this time when they shot off the starting line, there was no stopping them.
They took the left barrel first and in three strides. The second barrel they managed in three again, but the pocket was perfect. By the time they were approaching the third barrel, Sierra’s heart was racing. Her grin was huge. ‘Go, Benji!’ she shouted, cheering him on as the excitement within her bloomed into pure joy.
