‘Sure.’
When he looked back up at her, his eyes were brimming. ‘Will it always hurt this much?’
She wasn’t surprised he’d asked. Other than Benji and Mav, who had been there, Markus was the only person she had ever talked to about losing Baby Girl. He knew everything that had happened After too. He just had a way about him that made a person comfortable.
Now, Sierra thought about lying. She even opened her mouth to say it: no. But she couldn’t voice the lie. Being without Benji felt like missing a limb most days. Like some vital part of her had been taken. The only thing worse than being without him was beingwithhim, because then she couldn’t avoid all those other emotions. The loss and grief and rage. ‘My situation was so different … Benji and I grew up together. He was my brother’s best friend long before we fell in love. And then he was my first, my only. Since I was twenty-one and had to sneak of out my parents’ house to meet him …’ Sierra sighed. ‘I guess, I don’t know.’
‘He still watches you.’ Markus leaned back in his chair. ‘At first, I thought it might have been resentment. His eyes are always so brooding. But now that I’ve been hanging around for six months, and I know him a bit better, I can see that it’s not that. It’s sadness.’ He tipped his head, smiled. ‘With a healthy dose of red-blooded yearning.’
‘We’re not talking about me,’ Sierra reminded him even as her heart tripped at the observation.
‘You watch him too,’ Markus added, ‘but only when you think nobody’s looking. And you know the damnedest thing?’ He shook his head. ‘Beneath that ice queen façade, you’re just as sad. Just asneedy.’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘It never is. And maybe it’s just because I’m on the other side of the break-up, but for the love of everything good, I can’t understand why you’d run from that.’ He sighed sadly. ‘God, Sierra, if Juan still looked at me like Benji looks at you … I would have no doubts about working less. I would give him anything he asked.’ Overcome with his own grief, Markus raised one hand and shakily swiped it over his jaw. ‘I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.’
‘It’s okay,’ Sierra replied. Markus wasn’t cruel. He was just sad and confused and scared. ‘You’re not wrong – about Benji and me.’
‘You still love him.’
‘No.’ Her denial was quick. Knee-jerk. When Markus only pointedly raised his eyebrows, she clarified, ‘I don’t know. After …’ When her eyes burned, she blinked once and steeled herself, refusing to give in to the tears. She cleared her throat, told herself:You’re fine.
‘I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t eventhinkabout it.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘And Benji … He pushed so hard. “Get help. Talk to someone. Make thearrangements”,’ she added hoarsely. ‘And the harder he pushed, the closer to the edge I got. The more out of control I felt. Until, one day … I snapped. And I ended things. I just needed …quiet.’ She whispered the last word.
‘And now?’
‘Now …’ Sierra thought about it. And maybe for the first time, she gave someone an honest answer. ‘I’m not who I was. And I have so little left in me to give that I’m terrified if we gave it another go, he’d realize that I’m not worth it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want him to be happy. More than anything else, I want Benji to be free of the burden of me. I want him to move on. I want him to have a family of his own,’ she managed, but this time she couldn’t stop the tears. They streamed down her face freely. ‘I just have to make him see that …’
‘Firstly,’ Markus reached forward and used a corner of his blanket to dab her cheeks, ‘you’re not a burden. Loving someone, committing to someone, means sticking through their lowest lows.’ His shoulders slumped. ‘And don’t you dread the day that you look on social media and he’s actually done it – moved on?’ He pushed back and, dropping his head, banged it lightly on the table a few times. ‘Juan and I have only just ended things’ – he groaned – ‘and I can’t getthatout of my mind. The fact that one day I’ll stalk him online and there’ll be someone else in his photos, living the life that I was supposed to.’
‘Yes,’ she replied honestly. The thought was enough to have a stab of pain slashing through the numbness. She could perfectly imagine some beautiful woman, a baby on her hip, Benji’s arms around them both, his smile soft and loving. ‘It’ll hurt. But I’ll remind myself that it’s my fault, that it’s what I wanted. And I’ll live with it. I’ll survive.’
‘Butwhy?’
‘Because letting him go is what’s best for him.’
‘And what about you?’
‘What about me?’
‘What will make you happy?’ he clarified.
Sierra actually smiled at the question. It was so sweetly naive. ‘Sometimes, it’s enough to just be alive. To have made it through the day.’
Markus shook his head, clearly dissatisfied. ‘No. Or, maybe for a period. But everyone needs to be happy.’
‘Everyonewantsto be happy. There’s a difference.’ But because she knew that he needed comfort just then, she changed tack. ‘If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that you are not me. Juan is not Benji. You, Markus, are going through it now. But one day, you’ll find someone else. And you’ll love them with your whole heart. And when you do stalk Juan online, it will be with your hunky new man sitting on the sofa beside you, shit-talking your ex.’
Markus sniffled. ‘Ya think?’
‘I know.’
He raised his coffee mug. ‘To future hunks.’
Sierra clinked her mug to his. ‘To future hunks.’
Feeling decidedly more forlorn than she had when she’d first woken up, Sierra pushed back from the kitchen counter and took her mug to the sink. ‘I’ve gotta run.’
