"So where was he?" I ask, not really caring but enjoying the company. Out of all my co-workers here, Tiffany is my favorite. Her flair for dramatic storytelling keeps me sane during the long, quiet hours during the nightshift.
Our voices don’t drift much further than just beyond the nurses’ station. The rooms around us and down the hall remain silent, unbothered by our soft chitchat.
"Oh, I'll tell you where that asshole was!" Tiffany shoots me a dark look from between those super thick, superficial lashes of hers. "He was in his car in the back of the parking lot hooking up with Miranda! Mybestfriend!"
I shoot her an incredulous look, as if I couldn't believe the news I just heard. The thing is, from the few months I've known Tiffany, picking losers seems to be her MO.
"I know, right? Well, it turns out?—"
She keeps talking and I'm left to just nod along. I don't mind Tiffany’s ramblings. She doesn’t require a lot from me when she dives into her long-winded but entertaining stories. So while she talks, I work and listen.
“—and then he had the nerve to attempt to finish inside her. Turns out he was raw-dogging her on top of everything else!”
Raw-dogging? I grimace. Who comes up with this terminology?
Tiffany sees my expression and laughs. “Yeah, I know, right? I mean, don’t get me wrong, you and I both know it feels better without a condom but he was seeingme!”
I frown at the shift in her tone. She might be outraged right now but I can hear how Tiffany’shurting. Looking up, I meet her gaze and frown. “I’m sorry Daryl did that to you. You deserve a lot better than him.”
“Thanks, hon. And yeah, I know, but pickins’ are slim around here these days.” She sighs dramatically. “What about you? You got anyone out there? You don’t really talk much about your life outside work.”
Immediately, I look away, turning my attention back to the work at hand.
“No, there’s no one,” I admit. “It’s kind of hard to date when I travel so much.”
“I mean, yeah I get that.” Tiffany nods, I can see the movement in my periphery. “But it’s not impossible. You should be out there exploring your options.”
My fingers fumble with the files as heat creeps into my cheeks. It’s not that I don’t want to date. The idea of being flirted with, wined and dined, and growing close to someone soundsfun. But there’s the whole inability to be completely honest with a partner that kind of ruins dating for me. If I can’t share who I really am with someone I care for, if the very foundation of the relationship is based on a lie, then that relationship is doomed to fail. Any attempt at anything serious would be fruitless.
When I don’t reply, Tiffany pushes. “You’re telling me, out of all that traveling you’ve done, that there’sno oneyou’ve liked enough to even consider something serious with?”
I hesitate as I consider her question, the heat in my cheeks intensifying.
“I, well, there wassomeone,” I add, deciding on a partial truth.
The whole truth is that I’m still head over heels for someone so completely off-limits that I should honestly go to therapy given how long this crush has been going on.
Tiffany’s face lights up. “Oh? Tell me more.”
I would rather kill myself.
“There’s not much to tell,” I admit, then grimace. “My feelings weren’t reciprocated and I found that out the hard way. I’ve been a lot more cautious since then.”
The instant humiliation I’d faced still haunts me all these years later. Looking back, I can clearly see where it all went wrong. First, falling desperately in love with a man nineteen years older than me was simply idiotic. There was no chance in hell that would’ve ever made sense. Second, falling for my dad’s best friend—who just happens to be my godfather. His loyalty would always have been to Dad first.
Yeah, no… Looking back, I could see there was no way a relationship would ever come to fruition. I’d believed differently at the time—naive to the fact that love did not conquer all.
The only time I’ve ever gotten the nerve to throw caution to the wind, it went horribly wrong. I try hard to never replay the memory of the sloppy, stupid kiss I’d pressed against Ledger’s lips. Why I thought to kiss him there, in that moment in the midst of a job that had gone sideways for both him and Dad, is beyond me. The look of utter horror and disgust that twisted up his face when I finally broke the one-sided kiss had been a gut punch. But it was his words that ripped my heart to shreds.
“You’re achild, Blair. I might be a fucking monster, but I’m notthatkind.”
I’d been twenty-two—hardly what I would consider a child. Yet, Ledger was right. To him, I’d always be a kid. He watched me grow up, going through all the awkward phases a person can have, and I suppose to him, that made him feel paternal toward me.
It took his words, cutting through my lust-clouded mind, to see what my dreams were when it came to him: a fantasy.
“Well, that’s a damn shame. I can tell you’re a good person,” Tiffany says. She stands and reaches up to stretch. After heaving a sigh, she groans. “I should go do my rounds. When I get back I’m going to tell you all about what I did to Miranda when I found her with my man.”
I give her a smile. “I can’t wait to hear about it.”
