Maybe, in another universe, there’s a version of myself where I don’t hold everyone away at an arm’s length. Where I’m not trapped between the feeling of guilt-driven despair and rage at the unfairness of it all. Maybe in that alternate universe, I’m actually living a life of peace and happiness—where I can allow myself to fully love the man in front of me. Out of all the men and women I’ve been with over the course of my life, Santi would definitely be the one I would’ve instantly fallen for if my past hadn’t corrupted me.
But that’s not my reality, and I’ve accepted the life handed to me.
“So,” he drawls. “What do you want from me?”
My head cocks to the side. “You know what I like, Santi.”
“Say it,” he counters, challenging me with a bigger grin. “I want to hear what you want from me tonight. You know, just so we’re both on the same page.”
My dick, already hard and waiting, twitches with anticipation.
“Get over here, you filthy, pathetic slut, drop to your knees, and choke on my cock,” I order, my voice controlled and even despite the rioting of excitement trying to flare up and warm me from the inside out. “If I have to tell you again, there’ll be consequences.”
I wish I could be softer with him. There’s an almost painful need to drop the axe in my hand and rush over to kiss him hard while I pin him up against that tree. If I could, I’d explore every inch of his body with my mouth. And between each kiss, or lick, or suck, I’d tell him how thankful I am he’s here in my life.
Thankfully, I don’t lend myself to impulsivity like that. It would be unfair to the both of us. I don’t have it in me to love Santi the way he wants, noneeds, to be loved. My heart has long since shattered, the pieces having withered away.
Santi pushes off the tree and saunters towards me.
“Can I kneel on the body?” he asks.
I snicker. “Absolutely.”
By the timeI make it back to the cabin, the sky is beginning to lighten.
It’s later than I usually return, especially before a workday. After cleaning up our kill and dropping Santi off at his place, rather than answer to the pull of sleep, I headed to my secret spot north of Caddawalk. There, off a dirt road, is an abandoned quarry. The pit had been filled with water quite some time ago, and the vegetation around the rocky terrain had overgrown fromlack of human interference. It’s a peaceful place where crickets and frogs sing, and wildlife meanders around harmlessly.
It’s a safe space for my darkest thoughts.
I sat on the edge of the highest peak, letting my legs and feet dangle down the side of the sheer drop, and shifted my gaze absentmindedly from the dark water below to the sky above. For hours I sat, testing my resolve. That little voice in the back of my head had been screaming, as it always does, for me to end this misery and join my sister. It was loud tonight. The desire to answer that voice warred with the need to continue existing so that I can continue to send monsters like Jonathan straight to hell.
By the time I got back into my truck, I was exhausted both physically and emotionally.
With a sigh, I slam the door to my truck shut, toss the butt of my cigarette to the ground, and walk toward the porch steps. Numb to the world and tired, I don’t notice someone on the porch until I’ve reached the top step.
“Have a good night?”
I flinch, caught off guard by Wes’s presence. That’s twice tonight that I’ve been unaware of my surroundings. I need to do better. Just because I’ve managed to gain my freedom years ago, doesn’t mean I’ll always have it. The need to be constantly wary is exhausting, but then again life is arduous—to expect any different would be ludicrous.
“What are you doing up so early?” I ask him, ignoring his question.
Ledger and Wes know what Santi and I get up to. In the beginning, Wes would even come to spectate, though he never participated in the activities that followed. That was a while ago, though. Now, Ledger and Wes just turn a blind eye to our activities. The less they know, the better. It’s the same way I know they have their own shit they hide from me, and I’mcontent never knowing what that is. The don’t ask, don’t tell policy here is pretty fucking strong.
Wes sighs as he leans his forearms on the railing of the porch and looks out into the backyard.
“Up early? No, I never went to sleep. I’ve been standing here just pondering my sanity while I waited to speak to you,” he admits after a moment.
I frown. “You waited up to talk? It couldn’t have waited until breakfast?”
“I was afraid that—” Wes pauses as he lets out another sigh. “I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to ask for help in the light of day.”
My exhaustion falls away as I give him my full attention. Wes and I don’t have much in common. He’s more than a decade older than I am, comes from a very different walk of life, and he strives to live in, and enjoy, every waking moment. Despite that, I like Wes a lot. Not only does he wake up every day, willing to fight his demons—unlike me who can’t push their insidious whispers away—but he’s dedicated his life to being better than he once was. Wes listens when you speak, and is always there to lend a helping hand. If he needs me for something, it’s serious.
“What’s going on?” I ask when he doesn’t continue right away.
There’s another short pause before Wes replies.
“We’re… we’re going to have a house guest for a while,” he starts, his voice so low that I have to take a step toward him to hear. “It’s Ledger’s godchild.”
