I think about Santi and his even temper and bright smiles. My amusement dims as I take a deep breath.
“I hurt him,” I tell her.
“Yup, I was there,” she confirms with a yawn. “But he forgives you, you have to know that.”
I hum in confirmation as my eyelids lower.
“I…” Blair hesitates for a second. “I know adding me in the mix complicated a lot between you two. I should’ve done better with sharing Santi and I’m sorry that I’ve been in the way.”
I snort with derision. “The only person who’s been in the way when it comes to me and Santi is me.”
Blair says nothing to this. I’m not sure if she agrees or not, but it’s the truth. Yeah, I can admit now that a part of me hasbeen jealous, but ultimately, I’ve been the one keeping him at a distance. I can’t blame Blair for that.
“You know Santi loves you, Rhett, right?”
I swallow hard as my eyes close. On a soft whisper, I admit, “Yeah… and that scares me.”
“What should scare you is that by killing yourself, you’d be putting Santi in your shoes: having lost someone and having been unable to help them in their time of need.”
The absolute agony of that truth causes my own body to flinch hard. Blair holds me closer and I swear I feel the brush of her lips between my shoulder blades.
“You lost someone you loved,” Blair continues, her voice so soft I have to strain to listen. “But you’ve gained three people to love in her absence. I know Ledger, Wes, and Santi aren’t Abby but I think they’re pretty great. Why not spend the energy loving them in return and proving that one mistake doesn’t define you? I think the hardest part about living is loving. I’ve only had my dad most of my life, but now I’ve got you guys and I can’t imagine losinganyof you.”
Some of the pain lessens as I listen to her speak. I suck in a shaky breath and mull everything over. She’s not wrong. In fact, she’s painting a picture so clear that I can’t believe I haven’t noticed it until now. I’ve been given a second chance at having a family and tonight, I almost squandered it.
I let out a huff of disbelief. Another follows as I come to another realization.
Blair is just as much a part of this family as the others and I’ve been taking her for granted too. She’s one more person who’s come in and accepted that I’m flawed, yet doesn’t loathe or push me away. Blair might keep her distance but I can’t blame her when I’ve practically shoved her away.
But there’s no space between us now and I’m so fucking grateful for that.
I’ve never been so appreciative for someone as I am at this moment. Blair’s dealing with the ugly and rather than making me feel ashamed, I feel understood.Listenedto. I want to roll over and hold her. I want to squeeze Blair against me and bury my face into her neck. If this isn’t Blair’s love, I wonder what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of it.
With Santi, his love feels like sunshine and rainbows—a reminder that not everything is doom and gloom. Wes’s love feels like laying in a canoe on a still pond—peaceful and steady. Ledger’s love is more subtle—a house to retreat to, to protect me from the world when it feels like it’s caving in.
Right here, in the darkness, I’m understanding why Santi is head over heels for Blair. I don’t know what she does for him specifically but I can feel a shift inside of me, a weight anchoring me to this world and to her. It’s not in a way that feels stifling and crushing, but rather grounding and has a calming effect.
Exhaustion tugs at my eyelids and slows down my thoughts until they feel like they’re coming in slow motion. My eyes close and I suck in a long, deep breath. As I begin to drift off I make a promise to be the brother Abby loved, starting tomorrow.
Chapter 30
Santiago
“Santi, wait! They could be sleeping—” Wes hisses as I throw open the back door and rush inside.
Wait? After what we all just witnessed on the security feeds on our phones? No fucking way.
“Santiago!” Ledger calls from behind me, a hint of fear in his voice. “The safe word is ‘cinnamon roll’—don’t go into that room without saying it!”
I dart up the stairs, not caring if I’m too loud, nor do I slow down to wonder about whatever Ledger is referring to. My feet carry me down the hall toward Blair’s room. I know they’re in there. I saw Blair guide Rhett in there over an hour ago through the security feeds as the alerts of their movement within the house kept coming in.
But seeing them with my own eyes is believing. Until I do, I’m not going to get the sight of Rhett stumbling out of the house, clearly shit-faced, before peeling off of Gnarly Pine’s property and Blair frantically giving chase out of my head. Nor willthe sight of both of them returning together a long time later, looking haggard and worse for wear.
We’d all noticed these alerts too late. By the time the three of us had climbed back into the work truck, ready to come home—Blair and Rhett had already returned. What if they hadn’t? What if they had needed us and we’d been too busy to notice? Thanks to the storm and cold weather and layers between us and our phones, neither Ledger, Wes, nor I had felt the vibrations of the notifications coming in.
My stomach rolls as I reach Blair’s door. I grab the knob, twist and with a careless shove, I throw it open. It bangs against the wall but I don’t wake them. Not because it wasn’t loud enough, but because Blair’s already awake, sitting up facing the door with her gun pointed directly at me.
That’s all I see before a bullet slams into the door an inch from my left eye. I yelp in surprise at the same time, Blair lowers the gun with a gasp of alarm.
