Curse my pathetic life.
Stop it!
I sounded like my mother, and I never wanted to beanything like her. I shook the whiny, doom-and-gloom vibe away before Pippa sensed it.
I’d made a choice the night Ciro told me to go ahead and leave and never come back. It’d been the most painful decision I had ever made. But he had been so cold and arrogant, like he didn’t think I would do it. And I almost proved him right when I’d stopped at the door.
But I’d found my strength to walk away and never look back.
Except with Ciro Remotti, nothing was ever easy. Four weeks later, I’d peed on a stick. Six months later, Penelope Giovanna arrived, fighting for her life.
There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my baby girl. I’d work ten jobs to provide for her. Go without sleeping to give her everything she needed.
I’d even make a deal with the devil, so I didn’t have to ask her father for help. With Ciro, there would be strings attached. Expectations. Which was why I hadn’t touched one penny of the money he’d deposited into my account. At times, it wasn’t easy knowing I had half a million dollars, but I feared using any of it would bite me in the ass later.
Unlike my mother, I owned my shit and would make sure my child was cared for and loved.
It wasn’t easy, but I was doing my best, being both mother and father to my child. I prayed I would be enough for her, so she never felt unwanted like me.
I smiled, crouching beside her. “Love you, lovebug. Mommy will be back soon.” I swallowed hard, feeling as if my lungs were collapsing. It completely gutted me to leave her.
“She’ll be fine,” Alba cooed, patting my shoulder.
I stared at my baby girl. Selfishly, I didn’t want her to befine. I wanted her to be miserable without me, as I was without her.
But I nodded just the same and forced a smile. “I know. It’s just hard, you know?” I ghosted my hand over the top of Pippa’s head, desperate to caress it. If I touched her, she’d cry for me to hold her, and I couldn’t. I’d be late for work if I picked her up.
“It’ll get easier. We should do something tonight. Dinner. Maybe a movie. My mom can watch Pippa. You know she’d love to.”
“No. I’ll be too tired to do anything. She hasn’t been sleeping well.”
Pippa watched me like a hawk as I talked about her. It was like she understood what I was saying and felt bad for keeping me up. I wished my sweet girl could tell me what was waking her at night.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” I told Alba. “She starts to fuss at one o’clock on the dot. It takes me an hour or two of walking the floor with her until she settles back down.”
“Poor baby.” She made a sympathetic face. “And poor you, babe.”
“It’s fine. Babies do this…” I eyed her, envious of how she worked from home and could be with my baby. She was doing me a major favor, caring for Pippa when she already had a full-time job as a medical transcriptionist. She charged me next to nothing and I appreciated her help immensely. There was no one else I trusted more with my lovebug, especially not my sister.
“True, they do. And that’s why you need a break.” She wasn’t wrong but I couldn’t afford to take ameday.
“I better go or I’ll be late for the second time this week.” I quickly kissed Pippa’s head, breathing in baby lotion mixedwith her natural scent. Her sweet essence was so intoxicating. It took everything in me to walk away.
Pippa whimpered, and I sensed she was reaching for me. I didn’t have to see to know because I’d seen her do it more than a dozen times.
God, it hurt.
“No cry, baby. Momma will be back soon. Momma will be back soon,” I told her in a soft voice from the door. I opened it, our gazes locked, then I dashed out as she started to wail.
Covering my ears and closing my eyes, I died inside. I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling. Only a few seconds though, because in the end, I was confident we’d both be okay.
We were strong.
Fighters.
Resilient.
It just sucked that we couldn’t be together twenty-four seven like we wanted.
