Parker’s quiet and subdued, but still the comforting presence my humming nerves seem to need. I stare down at our shoes side by side, the custom-made murder shoes.
“You custom ordered murder shoes for me,” I whisper, feeling out of body after the events of the evening.
Parker chuckles darkly. “I guess I did.”
I turn my head to gaze up at him. “Do you want to kiss me?”
A bittersweet smile lifts Parker’s lips. “Yeah, I think I do.”
“You’re straight,” I point out, heart pounding in my chest.
“Maybe not as much as I thought because it’s never hurt me so badly before at the idea of going my entire life not touching someone.”
Oh god. That’s simultaneously the sweetest and saddest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“I want to kiss you too,” I admit, a rock stuck in my throat.
Parker’s eyes darken in the heavy night that surrounds us. I’ve never felt this level of attraction for someone before. Half of it is Parker’s looks, how beautiful he is, how attractive I find him, but the other half is because of how careful he is with me. He’s not careful out of fear, but careful out ofrespectfor me, which makes all the difference in the world.
“Not tonight though.”
Parker grins. “Of course.”
“But maybe you can sleep in my bed with me?”
“That sounds great, Mace.”
“And keep calling me that. I really like it.” I can feel theflush working its way across my cheeks and down my neck. Parker’s eyes only seem to darken more at my admission.
“You better take your shower before I do something neither of us is ready for. I’ll meet you in your room.”
The clear order in his tone has my feet moving before my brain can catch up. He follows me up the stairs, but we go to our separate rooms. I stand still in the bathroom for a moment, reorienting myself to my new reality. I turn the water up as high as I can take it until the room is filled with steam and my skin is dewy from the humidity. Gritting my teeth, I stand under the scalding hot stream of water for a few seconds to acclimate myself to my new reality. Finally I shake myself free. It takes me fifteen minutes to scrub my body pink with my antibacterial bodywash.
Once I’ve dried off, done my evening absolutions, and dressed in a pair of sweatpants and an old T-shirt, I open the bathroom door to find Parker lounging on my bed. My body goes cold and hot at the same time, emotions warring inside me. I feel like Parker belongs there, but he also terrifies me. What if I can’t give him everything he needs and he casts me aside?I am loved and worthy of love, I remind myself, surely making my therapist proud if she knew.
I slowly join Parker on the bed, lying on my side to face him. We’re two closed parentheses, our hands between us, not touching, but almost. And if I had courage, and if I wasn’t so afraid of everything, I’d close the scant space between us to touch my pinkie finger to his own. But I don’t. Instead, we lie there staring at each other in the muted darkness of my bedroom.
Parker slowly lifts his hand from between us to dance it over my face in the mimicry of a touch. If I close my eyes, Ican imagine the pressure, soft and kind, like he’s gentling a wary, unbroken horse.
“I want to touch you one day, like this,” Parker murmurs, voice full of desire. “Your skin against mine will be the closest I’ll ever get to God.”
“Parker…”
“Sorry, I just…” Parker makes this confused, worried sort of face that I find way more handsome than I should. “I wonder what you taste like.”
“Probably toothpaste. I brush my teeth, like, five times a day.”
“Mint, but behind that, I bet you taste sweet. Like a Shirley Temple.”
I close my eyes tight and dip my head to avoid his gaze. Parker rests his hand back between us, seemingly catching on to my sudden shyness. He’s too much. He’s going to kill me before I even get the chance to try kissing him.
“Is me on the bed too much for you?” Parker asks.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Good,” Parker says gruffly. “We should try to sleep.”
I get under the covers with a contented sigh and snuggle into the familiar comfort of my bed. Parker’s gentle breathing lulls me to sleep without a worry for the murder I committed earlier this evening.
