“Wanna have lunch with the guys?” Benji asks where his face is buried in my hair.
“Where?”
“Trevor and Beau’s. It’s Wednesday and I guess Beau is off, so Trevor said Beau’s grilling some fish he caught with Lee over the weekend.”
“So many words,” I tease.
Benji’s chuckle is warm and vibrates through me as I clutch him tighter. “Up for it?”
“Mmmm, I guess. I want to go back to the apartment first and change.”
Benji’s hands sneak under my hoodie, well, his hoodie actually, and rest against the cold skin at the small of my back. “I like it when you wear my hoodie.”
“’Cause you’re a caveman.”
“’Cause you’re mine.”
I sigh against his cheek, pulling away with a teasing smile. “Take me home.”
The drive back to the apartment is quiet, but Benji keeps his hand firmly on my thigh, squeezing every now and then to remind me that I’m not alone. He doesn’t need to reassure me though. I know in my bones, because he’s a part of me now, buried so deep that I think if we tried to extricate ourselves fromone another, the entire universe might implode. Stardust and all that shit, that’s what Benji and I are made of.
There’s a new car parked in front of Colby and Eli’s house when we roll by toward the mother-in-law suite. I crane my neck to look behind Benji toward the house, this weird, sinking feeling like lead in the pit of my stomach. Hopping out of the truck, I walk toward Colby and Eli’s house slowly, with Benji following along behind me.
The front door opens and Chris walks out, hand held to his eyes to blink at me in the bright sun. “Hey, kid.”
My heart falls out of my chest. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
Chris smiles slightly, but it’s off. “Let’s talk.” He glances behind me at Benji, I presume. “Bring Benji. Colby and Eli said we can sit out on their back porch for a while.”
“I was supposed to have lunch… with friends.”
Eli pops out around Chris with a pitying smile. “I’ll bring some fish back for you! Don’t worry about it!”
I turn around to glance at Benji to find him mouthingthank youtoward Eli. Benji lifts his hand and I tangle our fingers together, needing the strength of him more than ever right now. When I turn back, I stare at Chris, hoping maybe I can parse the reason he’s here just by the odd slant of his mouth, or even the absence of the glint in his eyes.
Eli bounds down the steps past us, squeezing my arm gently as he goes by to hop into the Jeep in the driveway. The crunch of gravel reaches my ears, but my gaze is caught on Chris as he walks back into the house. Everything feels heavy and slow as I follow him. We all sit down in the chairs on the raised back porch that overlooks the gentle hills beyond, but tension fills the air.
Chris sighs deeply, his salt-and-pepper beard the thickest I’ve ever seen. “I’ve been trying real hard the past few weeks, Nolan, to try to work out a deal that will be best for you.”
“They want me back on tour?”
Chris winces. “They wantatour.”
I rub at my chest. “I can’t go back on stage. It’s… what’s killing me. I can’t. I want to make music, I want to share it with the world, but I can’t tour. I just can’t. I own my songs, they can’t make me.”
Chris leans forward a little, eyebrows furrowed. “You’d still make music? You just don’t want to tour?”
I shake my head furiously, nauseous just at the idea. “I never want to tour again. I’ll make a million albums, I just can’t commit to a tour. Unless… they let me do dive bars. But the arenas and stadiums? Those days are long over. I want a quieter life. I want tolive.”
Benji squeezes my fingers tight and I turn my head to look at him. My favorite smile is tugging at his lips, and his cheeks have a splash of crimson on them. Maybe everything I said was more profound to him than anyI love youcould ever be. Just the acknowledgment that I want the life we’re building together, just us. Well. I can give him that, I think.
“I want to stay here with Benji. I’ll record music at a studio here, but that’s my line. No more tours. I don’t care if they sue me… if they say I’m a piece of shit. I don’t care, Chris. I can’t…” My throat itches with the urge to cry. I lean forward to brace my elbows against my knees as I cover my face. “Chris, I have to fucking stand up for myself one time in my life. You have to help me do this. I can’t go back, it’ll kill me. You know how much it kills me. I can’t, please.”
It’s not Benji’s arms that wrap around me, but Chris’s. Warm and solid and he smells like every good memory I’ve ever had since I started this terrifying journey. The only person who’s ever stuck up for me has been Chris. The only person who’s ever worried for me before Benji and my newfound family was Chris.I hold on to him as hard as I can, crying into his neck as he shushes me like he probably does his own children.
Once I stop sobbing, Chris pulls away to clutch my face hard. “I’ll make your dreams come true. I always do, don’t I? They can demand a tour all they want, but I’ll make it happen for you. Make you happy. I want to see you happy, so much. Nolan, I…” Chris clears his throat awkwardly as tears gather in his eyes. “You’re like one of my own. Seeing you… like that always killed me. And you look so happy here, you’re healing. I won’t let them take that away from you. I’ll get the lawyers involved and we’ll draw something new up. You’ll start a new life here, and you’ll be happy. Promise me you’ll be happy?”
I wipe my runny nose against my arm and give him a trembling smile. “I’m going to fucking try so hard, Chris.”
