He disappears up the stairs without a backward glance. A moment later, the front door slams shut behind him. I stand still for a while, watching him disappear for the second time today.Glancing behind me, I notice that Colby’s Jeep, along with a very beautiful classic Mustang, is parked by the garage.
Well, no better time to bother Eli than now.
I rap my knuckles against the perfectly white front door. The noise of dog claws tapping on wood echoes through the door and a soft bark is let out by Whiskey.
“Damnit, Whiskey. Some guard dog you are. You only tell me someone is herewhenthey announce themselves,” Eli complains as he hurriedly opens the door.
His hair is a wet mess atop his head, and he looks perfectly adorable. His eyes narrow at the sight of me.
“Aren’t you supposed to be downtown at an appointment?”
I brush past him into the house, ignoring the frustrated sound he makes. “Ended a while ago. Nolan is napping.”
Eli deflates instantly. “Is he okay? Really?”
I don’t really know how to answer that question. Is he okay? I can’t tell. He didn’t jump from that balcony, but I still feel like he’s not yet in my grips. It’s terrifying and makes my chest feel tight. Kind of feel like I could cry, really.
“Oh, Benji, love. Come here.” Eli tugs me into his arms, swaying us back and forth as I cry silently. Jesus. I never cry. It just feels like the past few days have finally hit me. Everything feels sobiginside me. “Shhhhhhhh…”
Eli pulls me toward the living room with an arm wrapped around my waist. We fall together onto the plush sofa, and Whiskey climbs into our laps to lie across us. She smells like outside, but it reminds me of being a kid, so I don’t mind it so much.
“Tell me what’s going on, Benji.”
I sniffle and rub at my runny nose. “I just… ugh.”
Eli just stares up at me, all doe eyes and sweetness. How the fuck do I just blurt this all out? Whiskey wiggles in our laps as I scratch just behind her ears, the spot all dogs seem to love.
“Nolan tried to kill himself, right in front of me… and I think it broke something inside me. I don’t… talk about things much. I know that. My legal name is Sunshine for fuck’s sake. I can’t be sad or whatever.”
“Benji,” Eli says softly. I turn my head toward him as I wipe away another tear. He looks so fucking sad that it kills me. “You can tell me or the other boysanything. We want to know how you feel and what you think. We want to know anything you’ll tell us. Anything! But if you’re sad, we want to know so we can try to help.”
“I know… I just feel like I have to put on this act all the time. Be what everyone expects. And now Nolan.” I stop talking for a moment and take a deep breath. “I have to be strong for him because he’s going through so much shit. My mom,” I whisper quietly, tearing my gaze from Eli. “She attempted suicide when I was a kid.”
Eli gently rests his hand on my arm, but I keep staring at Whiskey. “How old were you?”
“Eight. I grew up on that commune… you know? I think my mama took Mom there in hopes it would help her depression and mental health issues. It did in a way, like the community was good and they’re all weird but they’re family. But Mom just… she’s built differently. She took a bunch of pills and I found her.”
“That must’ve been hard to see.”
“Yeah and then afterward I felt like I was always walking on eggshells to keep her happy, to make sure it never happened again. She’s open about her struggles. I keep thinking about,” I whisper so low I can barely hear myself, “how I almost saw Nolan jump. I think I love him.”
“It’s okay to love him, but it’s also okay to be scared about what he’s going through. It’s hard on himandyou, love.” Eli scoots closer until he can rest his head on my shoulder. “I’m soglad you came here. How can I help you? What do you need? Don’t tell me what Nolan needs, tell me what Benji needs.”
I run my hand through Whiskey’s auburn fur as I think over Eli’s question. What I really need is just my friends. I need their time and love and to not feel so alone. I need their help in supporting Nolan through whatever this journey is we’re now on.
“I just need to know you’re there.”
“Oh, Benji,” Eli says softly, a little sadly. “We’re always here. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Do you want some cookies? Colby made some last night and we have ice cream too, we can have ourselves a little sweet treat.”
“I won’t say no to dessert…”
Eli stands and looks down at me with a gentle smile. “No, I didn’t think so. Up you get.”
Whiskey and I follow Eli into the kitchen. Climbing into a chair at the island, I watch Eli scoop ice cream into bowls and then crush some cookies on top. Actually, dessert fixes everything now that I think about it.
