“Yes.”
Chris sets the now half-empty can down behind him. “That raises the risk of you being outed.”
I snort, as if I care about that. “The entire world can know I’m gay. I don’t give a shit. It’s just… if he goes on tour, I want him to be only mine. Just mine.”
“He’s not a toy, Nolan.”
Chris isn’t getting it. I jump off the island to pace around the kitchen. To his credit, Chris stays cool as a cucumber, leaning casually against the counter beside the fridge. His eyes follow me as I pace, but he doesn’t look worried, probably because I’m radiating anxious cat energy instead ofI’m about to do something that’ll get us on the front of a tabloidenergy.
“We both know the tour could kill me,” I say simply, hands buried at my scalp.
“Nolan—”
“Don’t!” I yank at my hair in a brief show of vulnerability before straightening back up. “I want Benji on the tour with me. The entire tour. You’ll do what you can to protect us from being found out. The band already has an NDA, so they won’t say shit, so does the stage crew. Just… fucking make it happen, Chris.”
“Alright,” Chris whispers quickly before I can say anything else.
Relief like I’ve never felt before in my life sweeps through me. Breathing slowly, I stand straighter, and stare out the back windows toward the hills illuminated by the sun. Maybe this will solve all my problems. Maybe this will cure me. Maybe, maybe,maybe.
7
BENJI
SEPTEMBER 2027
All of my friends are falling in love. Eli is all shacked up with Colby, and no one can fault him because Colby is aserioussnack. Then there’s Trevor with the giant Beau. Seriously, these guys are drinking something different from the rest of us. Now Jackson is all goo-goo for the snarky redhead.
Meanwhile, I’m hopelessly pining for the rockstar I can’t get out of my head no matter how hard I try. I haven’t even seen him since February. But those five days in Los Angeles are burned into my mind.
After a fun day at the autumn festival, we all gather at Trevor and Beau’s house. We shoot the shit for a while, and I fill Trevor in on the contract Chris and Claire want me to sign. A world tour with Nolan. Once Jackson heads back to the mother-in-law suite over the garage at Colby and Eli’s place, I corner Trevor in the backyard of Beau’s house.
“You’ve got to tell me if I’m making a mistake with Nolan.”
Trevor stares at me hard, gaze unblinking in that unsettling way of his. I do my best not to squirm under his stare, but it’s difficult because the man has a serious intensity.
“I can’t answer that for you, Benji,” Trevor finally says with a resigned sigh.
“Trevor,” I whine.
“Sunshine,” Trevor mocks.
I’m going to punch him. Reaching out to take a swipe at him, Trevor ducks with a dark chuckle.
“You’ve just gotta do what you think is best, you know? You’ve already been with him a couple of times, so you just have to figure out if you could do it for months on end. A world tour is a serious commitment,” Trevor says with all the gravity of a parent explaining something to a child. Which he kind of is, despite him being younger than me. Most of the time Trevorfeelslike the eldest of all of us. “And you’ve got to think about the cost that twenty-four seven with Nolan is going to do to you. Is it worth that? I can’t tell you.”
“I just want you to decide for meeeeeeee.”
“Can’t, sorry. But Nolan isn’t a bad guy, we both know that. He’s just fucked up.”
“A little,” I hesitantly agree.
Trevor leans against the back porch railing to stare blankly out at the forest of trees swaying in the gentle breeze behind Beau’s home. I scoot over beside him to also lean against the railing, pretending like I can see in the forest whatever he’s able to see. But after a few minutes it gets boring, so I straighten back up with a sigh. Leaning my back against the railing, I stare at the side of Trevor’s face until he turns to look at me.
“What was he like with you?” I ask softly, a little afraid of the answer.
Trevor’s mouth pinches, and he steals a look behind him to ensure Beau is safely inside the house. “Aggressive and mean. He always topped from the bottom, bit and scratched and egged me on until I got aggressive too. I never liked it much. I always left feeling worse, which wasn’t something I hated back then.But with Nolan it was always a little more difficult. Especially dealing with his emotions.”
“It seems he has a particular dynamic that he likes,” I comment, not wanting to confirm or deny to Trevor that Nolan’s the same way with me. Because while I think there’s similarities, I don’t think Nolan opened himself up to Trevor the way he has with me. Similar dynamics, but different approach.
