Claire gently pats my cheek to bring my gaze back to hers. “Let him decide.”
She brushes a sweet kiss across my cheek, then disappears out of the clubhouse without a word, leaving me alone with my own anxious thoughts. I clench and unclench my hands a few times, focusing on the feel of my tingling palms. Everything hurts when I stand up, my body rebelling against the last few days.
My bedroom is empty as always, devoid of any ounce of personality. I grit my teeth against the loud chatter in my brain as I painstakingly shower away my last client. When I toss myself into the bed, my heart hammers painfully against my rib cage.
I squeeze my eyes shut to imagine Beau, the springs, and the smell of cedar lingering on sheets made soft with time.
The memory of seeing Colby’s name come across the email assignment from Davis still shakes me to my core. I’d done the only thing I could in my anxious state. I passed Colby off to Eli in hopes that it would give me more time, spare me the idea of confronting Beau. Not just for him to know who I really am but the absolute awful thing I did to him by leaving without a word.
But I handed Eli off to Colby and now they’ve fallen in love. Thanks to Eli finding forever love with Colby, I’m finally heading back to Clay Springs. Can’t even get out of it either because that’ll mean more explanation than I’m willing to give. Anxiety like I have never felt before in my life has my hands trembling, mouth dry. I hate this, everything about it.
What if Beau’s found someone that he can make a life with? What if I have to see that… see him in love. Cool, great for him, but I think I’d rather die than see him with someone else. ButI’ll also die if he takes one look at me and decides I’m not worth playing for keeps.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Benji hisses while roughly manhandling me into Jackson’s G-Wagon.
“I think I’m having a heart attack,” I hiss back, completely serious.
Benji pauses, eyes frightened. “Wait… are you serious?”
“No!” I whisper-shout.
Jackson pauses at the driver side door, eyes calculating. “What’s going on?”
“I think Trevor is hyperventilating,” Benji says gravely.
Oh. Yes. Maybe that’s what’s happening to me. It feels like no air can get into my lungs despite my frequent intakes of breath. My body feels like it’s slowly dissolving into ash. I’m melting. I bang my head a few times against the door, only stopping when Jackson carefully tugs me away.
Jackson’s fingers grip my chin, forcing me to meet his sharp gaze. “Tell me.”
“Do I really have to go?”
“No.” Jackson releases my chin, folds his arms over his chest, and stares down at me with all the irritation he can seemingly muster. “It’s either come with us or tell us why you’re acting like a rabid raccoon about making the drive down to support Eli.”
Benji gasps theatrically, the little shit. “Are you in love with Eli?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose in irritation. “Okay, hard pass on talking about my emotions with you. Also, two, no, I’m not in love with Eli. That’s disgusting. Anyway, we’re both bottoms.”
“You’re vers,” Benji patiently and irritatingly points out, as if rooting for team Eli and Trevor.
I narrow my eyes. “I’m not in love with Eli. I’m in love with someone else.”
Benji gasps again, this time dramatically placing his hand over his heart. “With whom? Jackson?”
Jackson’s eyes comically bug out of his head in alarm. “Please say psych.”
“I’m not in love with any of you assholes. Jesus. It’s fine. Just get me in the damn car, start to drive, and I’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. Everything is fine.”
Everything isnotfine. My phone vibrates without ceasing for the first few hours of the drive and the contact ID saysPARENTS’ LAWYER - DO NOT ANSWER.Great. Benji takes the annoying phone from me with a frustrated growl. He huffs through updating my settings so that it’s totally silent, no vibrations or noise at all. But the screen still stares up at me as we drive, a haunting reminder of why I’ve stayed away from Beau for so long. Why I left to begin with. Why I don’t deserve a second of Beau’s time.
The closer we get to Clay Springs, the more unsettled I feel. Fear courses through me at the idea of being denied by Beau. Just the thought of him not wanting me could bring me to my knees, overpowering every other thought in my pea-sized brain. Scenery slowly changes, signaling the fast approach of our destination.
Benji turns around in his seat as we pass the sign for Clay Springs. There’s pity in his eyes and I loathe it.
“You look like you’re going to barf,” Benji announces, fear coloring his voice.
“Do not puke in my car!” Jackson shrieks on the edge of hysteria. The car even swerves a little.
“I’m not going to puke.” Most likely. Probably. I might.
